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Trough Times

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Hopalong:
I thought I'd take a cue from PR and Tupp who really do dig deep into what works and doesn't work in your lives, peeling back layers with such care. I'm needing a thread where I can write about the times when I do sink into a trough or a rut. Maybe in just describing what's happening, even if it seems repetitive, some kind of insight will appear. I sure hope so.

I'm not depressed right now. But I am way too sedentary during my days off. I've found that the old folks really do tire me quite a lot. I still am glad I'm doing this work and feel very comfortable with it (in the daily and the Right Livelihood way). But because, unlike at an office job, I am constantly "on" when I'm with them, I've been surprised by how exhausting it can feel. Four or six hours with them leaves me very tired. Sometimes I'm so wiped out I can't make it through the evening without a nap, and then my sleep clock (always screwed up) can get completely off. Last night I was awake all night, finally took another melatonin at 6am and slept until 1am. Meanwhile, I'm trying to stay off Ambien, but in the last week or so I've been dipping into quarter-tabs on top of the melatonin to just ease me into slumber. My mind races the minute I set down the book or laptop and goes into alert mode, jerking me back to wakefulness.

One trough is obvious to me just now. Good time to narrate it a little. I had a date. Decided to go online again because my time is running short, age-wise, to find a partner for the last third or quarter of my life. If I want to do it I have to extend myself, and because I have to work, I can't join a load of leisure activities in hopes of meeting someone. Online profiles (found an age-appropriate, tamer site too) seem the way to go.

So I met this very nice man who is smart, attractive, and lives over 3 hours from me. Not a huge obstacle but it feels that way. We've had one date, three hours of talk. I was on my best appearance/behavior, he was a gracious date and good listener. Thing is, he was smitten, and responded by emailing me some very nice remarks, and calling a couple times. (I'm seeing him again in a couple weeks, in a little town about midway.) It's my reaction that is my trough right now. I went into a spiral of depression, anxiety, desire AND...anger. I didn't show it but was extremely reluctant to accept his calls ("I just wanted to hear your voice" and "How was your day?") because it felt so INTIMATE and TOO EARLY. I felt threatened as hell, wanted to hide/run/avoid.

And yet, I don't. I hope he and I can have another conversation as honest as our first one. I'm almost scared that I'll scare him away if I keep my commitment to total honesty. (I told him dating is scary for me and he said, "Me too.") So I think the trough is an old one...insecurity and because of my painful failures in marriage (and with my daughter) a deep fear that I can't succeed in recognizing or building a happy relationship.

Back in my little house with the outside world far away, I wallow in my trough by doing very little and retreating into escapism. I don't think it's all bad but that scares me too. What if a man I might find (not saying he would be that one...waaaay too early) expects an adult woman who functions like one, with daily consistency? Can I do this?

That's the Trough o' the Day. Thanks for listening.

love,
Hops

Twoapenny:
Hops you had a date!  That is very exciting news!

I completely understand where you're coming from with this.  After many years on my own and some painful experiences I find someone seeming keen very scary and quite off putting, even though to many people it would be a wonderful thing and they'd be overjoyed to have a man calling and emailing nice comments :)  It is scary stuff.  However lonely we get, it does always feel easier to manage our own little pool of life without someone else in it.  But ..................... I would say, deep breaths.  Take it slowly.  Be honest if you need him to back off a little or go at an easier pace.  And yes, the honesty might put him off.  If it becomes long term, it may be that he (or someone else) is put off by your need to escape and have quiet days where you don't do much.  But that is who you are, and what you need, so you can't pretend to be anyone else and even if you could, eventually we always show our real selves and we do need friends and partners that can accept our messed up bits and our ways of coping with the bits of life that we find scary.  Something I am finding at the moment is that peeling away these layers - 'feeling the fear' is helping me to let go off stuff.  So maybe this little period of your life will mean you moving closer to a point where you don't need to escape as often, because life isn't as emotionally demanding with a loving partner by your side (or even just a good night out once a month!).  I can't imagine him seeing you as anything other than the loving, intelligent, thoughtful, creative and funny person that you are, Hops.  I think we get so used to being rejected AS OURSELVES, for whatever reason, that we forget all our glorious personality traits and the things that someone else might just find spell binding.  So I really hope that you'll be able to work through this little patch and scrape another layer away :)

As for feeling tired after your day with the older people - yes, dealing with people is infinitely more tiring than dealing with a computer or some sort of machinery.  I think people often underestimate how tiring caring jobs can be, particularly when they can trigger various things in us as we go through the day.  I don't think you're too sedentary on your days off.  If you need a rest, you need a rest.  We spent the day in London on Thursday (myself and son) and I spent almost all day yesterday on the couch, and I've not done much today, either.  Looking after someone else is hard work, particularly if you're not sleeping well.  I have been listening to meditation clips on YouTube and they seem to be helping me sleep better at the moment.  Jason Stephenson is one of my favourites - I just really like the tone of his voice and the content of his visualisations :) x

sKePTiKal:
Hugs Hops. We need to be persistent about these kinds of things, if we hope to change them. And I'm referring to the odd loose ends we still deal with about ourselves.

The anger reaction is curious. I think I'd be real explicit with him about taking things maybe slower than he wants. You're allowed to do that and still see him, I think.

Hopalong:
Thanks, Tupp. That's both kind and encouraging...I really appreciate it.

And PR, the anger makes sense to me in that it's only covering fear. I did tell him (twice) that my pace is sloooooow, and one way or another, eventually I'll find out who should be running the race with me. Maybe him, maybe somebody else. And maybe my own self alone, with a little bit of faith.

xo
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Well, hopefully he's willing to actually hear that and not hope that he can persuade you otherwise, Hops. Some guys are wise enough to not spook interesting women; some aren't. I don't think any of us would willingly agree to being "possessed" by someone. No matter their methods.

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