Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Trough Times
Hopalong:
I know I'll find out, with this man should it be so, or with any other.
I'm mostly frustrated by what's going on in me, not in anyone else. This: insecurity and because of my painful failures in marriage (and with my daughter) a deep fear that I can't succeed in recognizing or building a happy relationship.
I don't trust my own judgement or "chooser" and I fight what I want. I find dating really scary and also really important, both of which make it too "charged" to be reliable evidence. What I need to know is there, in others and in myself, but I tend to panic and retreat. Self-sabotage.
Heading off to counselor right now so I'll dump it on the poor guy one more time.
Hops
Twoapenny:
Hopsie, for what it's worth, I don't think the situation with your D is down to any kind of failing on your part. From what you've written on here over the years it's clear that you love her dearly and that the situation you are in with her isn't one that's been created by you doing awful things. It seems like it's just very rotten luck that things have ended up the way they are. Perhaps the situation with the chap, however it may go, might help you release a bit of the blame you have towards yourself for past relationships? I completely understand the fear and the insecurity; I find the hurt of falling for someone and then being rejected by them very difficult to cope with so I understand why you feel that way (particularly as it can then trigger off past rejections and make that so painful again). I also find it hard to sift through the feelings and work out what is valid and useful, what is old stuff that is of no use now, what's a helpful warning sound and what's an over reaction based on past events. So yes, all of that does make dating scary, it's so much more than just going out for a coffee! I get why it becomes such a big deal. But I hope you might be able to chip away at it a little and get a couple more bricks down from the barrier. I hope the counsellor has some good advice for you, it always helps to come away with some words of wisdom, I think :) xx
sKePTiKal:
I understand Hops. I hope you'll be able to find a path through this.
Hopalong:
Thank you, Tupp and Amber--it's a comfort.
Tupp, I so appreciate the words of comfort re. my D...that loss has been haunting me more recently (more than the usual daily) because a friend of mine with a D the same age, who also has bipolar disorder, just lost her D to suicide. Not knowing (though I do check her Twitter now and then) how my D really is doing, is very very hard. So she's on my mind even more than normal. Thanks for the comfort. She's a resilient and resourceful person, so if she is in fact getting decent treatment and able to maintain it, there's as much hope for her as for anyone. It's just really hard not to be able to help support her.
PR, thanks. I am not so much fearing rejection (if anything, I'd reject first out of self-protection) but fearing going into irrationality. Not focusing so much on This Particular Man, but the whole idea. It's a challenging journey that calls on what wee spurts of emotional bravery I retain. No way to do this without:
1) CHANGE
2) VULNERABILITY
And I'm convinced nobody (well, me) signs up for those unless they really do have a dream.
I've got to reckon with my dream of a loving companionship. Embrace it and accept its limits.
love,
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on July 31, 2017, 10:09:11 PM ---Thank you, Tupp and Amber--it's a comfort.
Tupp, I so appreciate the words of comfort re. my D...that loss has been haunting me more recently (more than the usual daily) because a friend of mine with a D the same age, who also has bipolar disorder, just lost her D to suicide. Not knowing (though I do check her Twitter now and then) how my D really is doing, is very very hard. So she's on my mind even more than normal. Thanks for the comfort. She's a resilient and resourceful person, so if she is in fact getting decent treatment and able to maintain it, there's as much hope for her as for anyone. It's just really hard not to be able to help support her.
PR, thanks. I am not so much fearing rejection (if anything, I'd reject first out of self-protection) but fearing going into irrationality. Not focusing so much on This Particular Man, but the whole idea. It's a challenging journey that calls on what wee spurts of emotional bravery I retain. No way to do this without:
1) CHANGE
2) VULNERABILITY
And I'm convinced nobody (well, me) signs up for those unless they really do have a dream.
I've got to reckon with my dream of a loving companionship. Embrace it and accept its limits.
love,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Hops, I can't imagine how hard it is for you to not be in contact with your D, particularly giving that your friend has just lost her daughter. So I think your fears and worries with regards this/any man (or just relationships in general) are justified and far from irrational.
It did remind me of a conversation I had with a lovely therapist many moons ago. My son was very young and I was struggling with depression, abuse flashbacks, my mum (who I was still in contact with at that time), my son's dad being very unpredictable and unreasonable and just generally not having a great time and not, therefore, being the perfect mum that I wanted to be. My T said lots of positive things about my intelligence, resourcefulness, loving nature etc etc and said that it might well be in years to come that, given the choice, my son would rather have a mum with those traits and some spells of depression and rough patches rather than someone who plodded through life with no up or down.
She phrased it much better than that but it always stuck with me; that idea of us being a package with wonderful bits and other bits that are overshadowed by the wonderful. I do think with the sort of families we've been brought up in that we're taught to really focus on the less than perfect bits and our gifts and amazing aspects are often ignored or ridiculed.
So I think what I'm trying to say, without in any way diminishing what you experience and how it all feels (I really get how tough that is, I struggle with similar myself) that your wonderful bits massively outweigh the bits that you (very understandably) struggle with at times. I think an emotionally intelligent, grounded, confident man will understand that your situation with your D has broken your heart and that there are times when you just need to be by yourself and put it back together again. In fact, I think it would be weird if that wasn't the situation; you've had so much heartache to cope with, alongside practical problems with work and money. I think there are people who look at someone coping with adversity and admire them, and people who see 'problems' and run for it. I think we all need people who fall into the first group, not the second.
I'm not sure if that makes sense. It does to me but it's early and I've not had a coffee yet :) But yes, I get it's scary and there's a whole basket of stuff that might start falling out but maybe you can keep putting it up on here so we can mirror back your amazing bits so that the other stuff doesn't become the only thing that's there? I know it's hard to keep sight of what you do well when things seem to be falling apart. I'll stop waffling now before I get more confusing, lol, but in short, I don't think what you experience is irrational. In simpler terms it's like being scared of dogs if you've been bitten by one. Seems sensible to be scared of it happening again, just a bit more complicated to deal with than finding a friendly one to pet :) xx
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