Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Surprising stand on a friendship

(1/2) > >>

Hopalong:
Been wanting to tell y'all about this. Remember my frequent sorrowful posts about a dazzling Nish friend about whom I often felt so hurt? She would swamp me with affection and interest when she needed me, but just evaporate on actually making time for me? No maintenance of the friendship and very mixed messages all the time?

I felt chronically hurt, uneasy and confused. Over and over. Couldn't reconcile her attention with the confusion I'd feel in its wake. Triggered all sorts of stuff I couldn't get past. (We'd initially bonded very intensely over our Nmothers, felt sister-like, and played out a lot of my issues from early rejections from female peers.)

About a month ago, I got clarity. I had gotten more "Oh I want to get together!" messages from her, to which I'd responded two or three times: I work in your neighborhood and can come by most days, when's good for you? (No reply.) Later, in response to a different email (about landscaper question) -- I'd said, let me know when ftf works for you. (No reply.) And I suddenly stopped resisting what I knew. This is mostly a one-way attachment. She enjoys me mightily when the mood is right. But there's no there, there.

Another big thing that had been working in the back of my mind was Sea's brilliant observation that many Ns, or Nish people, are "high intensity, low commitment." That was such a powerful realization. And eventually I got to telling myself, I don't want to try to keep that kind of relationship going. The intensity is so attractive, but in this chapter of my life, reciprocity and the security of some mutual maintenance is more important to me.

And the other thing, that I've often missed in the years since learning about Nism, is that many children of Ns who are smart, educated and very able to discuss their own parents' Nism in a thrillingly astute fashion, can often become hidden-Ns themselves (even TO themselves). Not even their fault, but I realize that happened once earlier for me...learning more about Nism from a child-of-N who was actually manifesting Nstuff themselves, that I'd assumed from the amazing conversations that they could never of course possibly also have inherited the problem! Not their fault, not my fault. But a pitfall I need to be aware of.

So I had an occasion when she invited me over (book return) and chatted with her and her hubby (about their fabulous bday events) and then asked for a few minutes with her. It was very interesting--she instantly said "Are we getting a divorce?". I just told her how I felt about it all, that much as I loved her (and I did!) I had faced the truth that every time I thought about her I felt hurt/pain, and then I know she didn't need another person in her life expecting things from her, but that I really want to step out of that cycle and just seek out reciprocity in my relationships.

She cried and said something about, "I know, it's out-of-sight, out-of-mind." She knew. On some level. And I wasn't angry with her at all. We hugged. I said, consider it a separation, it's not divorce. But I haven't heard a word from her since and that's exactly what I expected to happen. She appeared devastated in the moment but I think she was honestly recognizing that she can't be a true friend...at least not to me. Not if I expect reciprocity. And it wasn't fair to me.

It was sad but on another level, one of the best decisions I've made in a long time. I actually spoke directly to someone who'd been hurting me and explained without blame or anger or unkindness that I wasn't going to participate in that dynamic any more. And she realized I meant it, and I have felt so much peace ever since. Relief, big relief.

I actually don't think about her often, but the key for me, is that whenever I do (say, when passing her street) I feel such a surprising sense of peace. I did the right thing for myself. And I am glad.

I hope the next time I'm drawn to an Nish personality...I remember this.

I truly am grateful for the years when we were so connected. But I do not regret one bit that I have ended it.

love
Hops

lighter:
Hops:

I'm glad you resolved that issue with compassion, sans judgements about you or the friend.  It's so difficult to do that, IME. 

Thank you for sharing it.

Lighter



 

Hopalong:
Thanks, Lighter. I was surprised.

I think what changed is I made a decision. Stopped being willing to feel perpetual hurt and did something to change it.

It felt like I took my power back. It was sad but I am convinced it was honest and right. I even said to her, mentioning all the background from my early years and so forth...I know if anyone could understand this, it's you! And she did.

hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
Wow, Hops, that's amazing!  Amazing that you saw it, recognised it and were able to talk about it so calmly face to face - but also amazing that she recognises it and didn't try to blame you for it (which is what I was expecting as I read, I was cringing waiting for the details of what she said and how she blamed the whole situation on you).  Very empowering and nice that you've been able to leave the door open so that if she does find a way to change a little and wants to drop in for a coffee I guess you'd be alright with it?  What an amazing story.

Your description of 'high intensity, low commitment' relationships (or I should probably say Sea's description!) rang a bell for me and I hadn't really realised that before.  I've had some very close friendships where we've bonded over our troubled upbringings and it is such a huge relief - and joy, in some ways - to be able to discuss things with people who really get it.  But, as you say, very intense and then nothing once you've no longer served your purpose.  I remember reading something about friendships once, something about only having one topic of conversation with a particular friend.  And I had a friend at the time who had a mum similar to mine and that was usually what we talked about when we got together.  So I experimented and tried to steer the conversation to other things every time mums came up - almost impossible to do.  Does make you think.

Your description of 'mutual maintenance' is spot on.  I am finding I appreciate my lower level friendships much more than my high octane ones, although I used to find the former boring.  But I enjoy the catch ups every few weeks and getting together when we can, rather than the 'full on one minute, not interested the next'.  It's nice to have that level of security, I think.  So I'm really glad you were able to address this situation and come out of it so well, and still with the option of being in contact at some point in the future if something were to change.  That was nice to read :) xx

sea storm:
Don't take scraps, Hops.  You deserve so much better. Scraps givers are a waste of time.

Please remind me of this if you catch me taking scraps.

Love Ya
Sea

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page