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Surprising stand on a friendship
sunblue:
Wow Hopalong. Thanks so much for sharing. You shared an experience that I think many of us have had. I think part of it is that as recipients of NPD in our lives, we tend to be empaths. We're always there for everyone else when they need us....we're great listeners, advice givers, friends for life people. But too often, it is never ever reciprocated. It could be that these so-called "friends" are Ns themselves.....it could just be that they rate high on the selfishness scale. But I so applaud you for the way you handled it. That took real courage and I'm so glad you stood by your beliefs and standards that you deserved better. You are right of course. It's no surprise she never contacted you. These people, I truly believe, are simply not capable of friendship. They don't know what it is and are too selfish to want to try to understand, let alone reciprocate.
I have recently had a similar situation. A woman that I met through work several years ago always depended on me. She is an incredibly needy person which I understand. I stayed away from her for several years after an episode in which she invited me and another colleague for a labor day event to her home (about 1.5 hours away). Upon arrival, she got drunk (she is definitely an alcoholic), told us she would join us at the community event we were attending, but never showed up and indeed locked us out of her home where our belongings were.
We reconnected about a year ago and I proceeded to do what I usually do-----listen, advise, be there at all hours of the day and night when she needed someone to talk to. I did a bunch of pro bono work for her when she needed it. I realized that she had endured abuse as a child and adult and tried to keep that in mind.....But recently, she did what your friend did. She constantly asked me to call her to connect (which I did)...but she never responded. Instead, via FB, I see she has now turned to other "friends" to fill whatever void she is needing. She is at best a "fair-weather" friend who only contacts you when she needs you. I believe she is incapable of having a true friendship or relationship of any kind. So I stopped calling, stopped reaching out...Not surprisingly, it has been radio silence from her. But I have no doubt sometime in the near future, she will contact me when she is desperately needing someone.
So she is gone from my life. But I also realized that despite years of a lot of effort, I don't have anyone who reciprocated. You always hear that relationships should be a two-way street in order to be healthy....and they should. But no one talks about what you do when adhering to those standards mean you are alone.
In the end, I do think it's more healthy to let those kind of people go. Whether they are Ns or just extremely self-centered and self-absorbed, you will gain no value from a relationship with them.
Thanks for sharing. I think it's a good lesson to remember.
Sunblue.
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---You always hear that relationships should be a two-way street in order to be healthy....and they should. But no one talks about what you do when adhering to those standards mean you are alone.
--- End quote ---
I hear you, Sun. This is very poignant and painful.
I think there's a tussle between rigidity and faith, in a way. Sometimes I develop a rigid standard that will "prove" me right or wrong, worthy or unworthy, successful or "un." I wonder if some children of Ns try to develop kind of rigid expectations about others' behavior, since what was modeled was so confusing. Because at least if the RULES are made clear, one could learn those and then be okay!
But being alone isn't good for us. Not as a species, as beings, as people. We all do vary in how much we need to thrive....but we all ARE social animals. Even Thoreau, at Walden, walked into the village regularly to mail manuscripts or for supplies, and was warmly greeted by the postmaster and others. He was no hermit. And he attended church for a time, and received visitors. He valued simplicity and solitude but wasn't defined by them.
I retreat into judging...and I did feel judgmental of this friend until I finally released us both with my decision. I retreat into judging when I'm really really hurt. And when I really don't understand.
I hope that I can take that same desire to connect, befriend and be befriended--and put it into positive group behavior. Volunteering, dragging myself to church even when I don't feel like going, even political action. All of that is about my life as a member of a community, pitching in and being part of it.
Like training my default mode, which has been so isolated in ways, into being "I am part of this community, so sitting in a group or walking or helping within a group....." -- instincts so unlike my isolating impulse -- begin to feel more natural.
hugs
Hops
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