Hope for clueless sibs?

[catlover]

I am wondering if anyone has any experience/advice in dealing with siblings who are "held hostage" by an Nparent but are clueless to that fact.  

I posted on this board about a year ago, and am back because I just spent a bunch of time with my Nmother and 1/2 brothers over Thanksgiving.  My brothers are 16 and 19 years old (I'm 35) and they seem to be mouthpieces for my nmother.  Their father (my stepfather) divorced her about 6 years ago because he finally couldn't take it anymore.  He lives about an hour away and has remarried.  He sees my brothers two nights a week for dinner and every other weekend (actually, one of them has gone away to college).  My nmother loves to trash him to me and to them - everything is his fault, he's a terrible parent, on and on.  They still love him, but I can hear her in so many things they say and some of the ways they act.  I am so afraid that they will forever remain her loyal foot-soldiers and I will never be able to truly relate to them.  I am afraid that they, like her, will see my relationship with my stepfather (their father) as a betrayal of her.  And she seems to have set up her household in a way that will make them want to remain living with her for as long as they can.  (The brother who went away to college is thinking about quitting so he can go to community college and keep living there.)  

This is really a bitter pill - that not only did she deprive me of a childhood, but she may also end up depriving me of siblings in a meaningful way.  I have said some things to them about her, but it seems to only cause them to jump to her defense.  One of the things I said was that they do not experience the true results of her way of thinking and doing things, because they have their father to buffer it, which I didn't have.  I am afraid that my anger at her and desire to have them "see the light" will end up alienating them from me.  Has anyone else been able to get siblings (especially much younger ones) to "see the light"?  Conversely, has anyone made the situation worse in attempting to do so?  Should I just keep quiet?  Is there a time when they will be old enough to "get it"?

[Anonymous]

Welcome Gwyn,

I have 3 younger siblings and have very carefully thrown out hints about our mother. When the hints didn't go over well, I backed off quickly. Here was my reasoning.

--- I don't try to 'reindoctrinate' siblings against our mother as they are very loyal to her. It will backfire.

---  I don't try to get them to sympathize with me because mom was harder on me. This is a burden on them.

--- I no longer discuss mom with them unless they bring her up.

--- I assume that they will eventually see a more realistic portrait of our mother. If they don't, I can still have a relationship with them if we leave mom out of it.

--- I would always treat them as though there is a sibling relationship separate from our mom.

bunny

[LookingUp]

I can relate to what you're saying and I posted something similar a few days ago. I don't really have any advice, but I can completely understand where you are coming from. It can be difficult to be around people who refuse to acknowledge the negativity and abuse from the N.

[DJ]

Bunny, you made great points, and I agree.  
In my case, my 80-yr old NMom has always played her daughters against each other and still does.  My Nmom was divorced from my dad since I was 9 (i'm 52).   She robbed us of a relationship with him for many years.

I don't know who's manipulating who, but right now it appears, the 2 Nsisters are making sure they are taking care of my 80yr old Nmom's estate, will, etc.   They didn't even talk to her a few years ago, and now they go on vacations together!  Nmom doesn't see or even care if they are in it for selfish gain (estate) as long as they are giving her Nsupply.  And it appears, the 2 Nsisters are in it for control of her "will" and estate, which believe me doesn't amount to much.  
It's just they want to be IN CONTROL by leaving me (and my step sis) out of the picture.  It started in May when my dad passed away this May, and made his oldest daughter the executor (even though she was biologically not his).  My 2N sisters became the devil incarnate, and madeher position as executor MISERABLE, withholding documents they had, etc. and totally ignored any input I had, so I dropped out of the picture, sick of them.

Since then, they were DETERMINED to handle Nmom's affairs.  The even convinced Nmom to move back to the area where the youngest Nsis lives and the 2 Nsisters are weaving their evil web.   They continued to  verbally, & emotionally abuse me and our oldest 'normal" sister the entire few months she was trying to settle his affairs.  She could do NOTHING right in their eyes because they were so mad that dad made her executor.  They said he should have never made her executor since she wasn't "blood".  
So the oldest sister is FINALLY seeing how MEAN the 2N sisters and Nmom are because they finally were exposed when they got IN HER FACE.   I was the only one who saw it for years, and no one believed me.
Since my Dad passed away My older "normal" sister, my brother in law, and her daughter have seen the light, and I have FINALLY been validated, and vindicated.
I think my Daddy was pulling strings in heaven for me!      Thanks Dad. . I miss you.  He was the only one who ever validated or loved me in the family.  I have a great husband of 18 years though, and many loving friends.  
Thanks for listening, it's so nice to have a VOICE!

[catlover]

All:  Thanks for the validation and advice.  Clearly the Ns can be very adept at getting people to go along with them.

Bunny:  I'm going to follow your advice.  I think if I try to get them to see her the way she really is, they might turn against me.  I guess the only tools I have are positivity and setting a good example.  If I try to get them to see it my way by saying bad things about her, I'm kind of "playing the game" - I need to disengage from the game!!