Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
This and That
Twoapenny:
Oh Lighter, it sounds like so much hard work! Do you have to do so much of the work yourself? Or be there at all? Forgive my ignorance, I have almost no knowledge of refurbing properties in foreign lands. It sounds like a big hassle. As does dealing with the man who is like your father :) Lol.
I hope it starts to unfold okay and that you can get some downtime to process and think (and withdraw a bit). It sounds like a lot of work on all levels. I would be hiding under a bush by now, I think. I hope it is less problematic than it seems to be. Is it a month that you think it will take to get everything sorted? xx
lighter:
3 to 4 weeks is likely for the bulk of the big jobs. Then there's triage of smaller projects every visit.
There will be three of us working. I always work alongside and on certain jobs by myself. That's the deal, and I couldn't afford to do this any other way. I want to maximize value, and I enjoy the actual work.
Maybe will become a great rental as BIL has name of stellar property manager on our side of island. Maybe we'll all use it, and build happy memories before it sells.
I do think of this as opportunity to carve out some new brain pathways. I'll be channeling Zen mindfully, and with purpose.
I'm not content to deal with stress the way I always have. I'm highly motivated to make change, bc not finding better ways isn't an option.
This is sink or swim, and it might not be pretty, but I'm going to float and move forward.
I'm wondering what advice I'd give you in this case.
Probably....
Run.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Lol, Lighter, run is exactly what was going through my mind as I was reading it all, just the physical work and coping with the heat would have me running for cover, working on self as well - woo!! But yes, I can see how you can turn it into an exercise and I guess the good thing about physical work is that you can work out anger, frustration, resentment or anything else that comes up as you're going along. I get what you mean about needing new ways to deal with stress. I've had a lot of that going on lately. Maybe this will be your decluttering, of old habits and old ways of doing things? xx
sKePTiKal:
Someone's blood, sweat & tears is required for the magic to happen at the end of the project, where you can look contentedly at everything and say: Look what WE DID. You're making memories.
And you're missing the coldest March weather I can remember in years, here. Lucky duck you.
lighter:
Tupp:
I'm carving new pathways...... and riding the old ones like short tidal waves. I recognize them. Sometimes I can't get off when i want, but I'm aware of them......
and then there's a shift....
sooner or later....
to curiosity, and the emotions quiet into pure attention.
I begin wondering what happened to the other person..... enter compassion. I used to DO this quite regularly. Guess I didn't carve out deep enough grooves in me brain pan. Oh well. Will try adding again, mindfully, and seeing if it removes the triggers or stops the BEING triggered stuff. Wouldn't that be amazing.
When I write about it here I feel very connected to myself, and to you guys.
When I'm listening to you, and the others here, I feel very connected and in the moment. I wonder how I can channel that INTO my brain and being all the time, alone, with a group, or one on one. I know there's a very real shift INTO living in the moment, and then I'm DOING instead of thinking. BEING rather than cycling through anything negative.
As I move through the ZONE, I notice I have my clothes washing machine back...
::hugging clothes washer... putting in another load::..
I notice my lovely clean bedding, and the details that make it lovely.
I notice my lovely moss carpet..... it's CARPET GUYS! It used to be gun shot through with grass and weeds, but it's perfectly carpeting much of my yard now...... I wanted that so much. Now I have it. I'm enjoying it. It's enough, and I look forward to working in it, on it, with it. It brings me pleasure.
Looking up recipe for home ade pancakes this morning for youngest DD.... making the batter.... trading off that duty with oldest dd to take out her Pug...... listening to her happily stirring, and commenting and looking forward to making.
Walking the pug, who really had to go by that time, and so did her business with economy of motion..... very nice. I picked up sticks, looked at the large and small downed branches in my yard, and my neighbor's yards. Looked at the little creek bed I need to clean out. Thought about when I could happily return to that work.... it's a balm in the middle of all the renovation lists, orders, POs, and figuring out how to GET it TO the island. Consolidation paperwork is ongoing.... always adding new venders..... I worry I'll miss large and small things that set us back, and break my heart over and over on this trip. And WILL it break my heart?
I think..... I can always fix that. I shouldn't worry about things I can fix with money. I need to remember what's RIGHT in my life, and stay focused on that.... shift into problem solving mode during planned times only.
I want to LIVE and be PRESENT in a moment that is about abundance, and safety.
I don't want to live in fear, and worry about what COULD happen. IS there a snake under that twig? Maybe. IS there a shark in the water, or is that a different water creature? We're geared to anticipate danger so we don't lose our place on the food chain..... so we don't get crushed by large animals, etc.
I remember the divorce, and what came after.... it FELT like the devil was chasing me. RIGHT ON ME, just behind me, able to touch my shoulder. Other times it felt like I was teetering on a very high cliff, wind whipping my hair into my eyes, nose and mouth..... I couldn't see, and if I shifted at all, I might fall.
I think that was a very real personification of the droning anxiety buzz in my life ALL my life, perhaps most of our lives or all of our lives.... that watchful, fearful reptilian brain at work, hardwired for self preservation, but now unhelpful.... no.... now moving us away from homeostasis. Maybe making it impossible.
I will identify the droning, the buzzing, the teetering, the being chased, and I will calm it with attention, and tame it into calm.
I will identify that calm place, and claim it as my home, where I live, where I will teach my children to live, hopefully.
I can STOP and DO something when I'm overwhelmed. I can stop BEING overwhelmed. It's a revelation to KNOW that is true, even as I struggle, and it goes in and out of focus.... that's how new brain pathways are forged.
I suppose mantras are powerful bc they bring us back to remembering, to our tools, to our bodies, to making changes we've committed to making.
Mantras, meditation..... prayer.... whatever works for'ya..... you (general) put it in place, think about the things that are good and right and lovely in your life, and try to stay there... get back to THERE..... live there most of the time.
I'm grateful to have this board, and you guys... Doc G... as touchstones in my life, bc, truly, these are the kinds of things that ground me in my present moments, and body.
THESE are TOOLS for a good life.
::nodding::.
sKep:
I'm kinda sort near you right now, which means it's not so cold right now. I go back to the island this month, but much to do to get to that point.
Lighter
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