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I just did a terrible thing.... help

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sea storm:
I just wrote an email to a man I used to know a long time ago. He was up for an academy award for the screenplay to Money Monster.  In my insanity I  watched the movie Moneyball and thought it was brilliant. I wrote him a message saying that I thought he had written a masterpiece but it was not the right movie that I was referring to.
He thought I was psychologically kicking him in the shins in previous conversations years ago. Like when he said that he thought Hemingway was a great writer and I said ... Oh I guess he was alright for someone who typed standing up. This guy really bugged me because he idolized my husband and they were in some king of man love. Deeply.

So i wrote a message praising him and then pulled the rug out from under him by saying oh whoops I thought you wrote a screen play that I liked and then it was the wrong one. I am insane and my dark side just jumped out of the closet. Then I went on to say oh by the way.  The last thing he said to me was  I really love the guy. This really bugged me and I said that introducing him to cocaine wasn't love and setting him up with a sixteen year old wasn't love and where are you now that he is ruined? 

I am so far from being perfect and I don't know where that came from. I don't hate that guy but  I really verbally kicked him in the shins again. Oh f.....k.  All that was from a time when his friends thought I had nothing to say and was very quiet. Nevertheless. If I take my emotional well being temperature it is extremely feverish. I know you all are very understanding and I can be a hag sometimes. Once in a while it is ok to be called on one's bullshit and this is a time I deserve it. There is safety in sending a private message but I sort of went to far. It was what I consider the truth but I put it in a bizarrely wicked package.

I apologized to him about he movie mix up but not the other stuff. On top of all that he used the marriage between my ex and me in his ongoing tv series. I found out that my rich ex hired a big time lawyer to try to get full custody but the lawyer told him he shouldn't go ahead because of his nefarious dealings. It could not stand up to scrutiny. So it was good to know but such a weird way to find out.

I sound pretty crazy but this is true.

Sea
Ps they are both narcissists and they got off on the excitement of their illegal activities.



 

Hopalong:
I don't think you sound crazy. Really.

You stepped over an inner line, you were not okay with that, and you made appropriate apology for the part of your message that came from the a part of you you normally restrain. (We ALL have dark sides and wrong parts. And certain stresses --especially in family-- can blast them out of the coop in anyone.)

You apologized, while also maintaining your truth. Pretty true observations, I think.

I'm not sure why you feel so guilty, unless it's because the feelings you're weathering right now resemble bitterness?

If that's it, please don't judge yourself. Hurt can go in a lot of different directions sometimes, and really deep hurts can temporarily twist us out of shape. Dark-hurt is not WHO you are and it's not WHERE you'll be living. You're just weathering a really hard patch right now.

Maybe don't demand of yourself that you be perfect spiritual Sea, and acknowledge that every now and then, Buddha said something shitty to someone. Then he got back to his boring life under the tree.

love to you,
Hops

sea storm:
Well Thank God for Hopsy. I will read what you say over and over. This would make a good short story with peoples lives interweaving in strange ways over time.
I think I jumped into this never neverland because my ex husband, charismatic genius , part time crook and father of our child is dying. There is no escaping the past even though i try to be in the present moment etc. Try telling that to Katherine in Wuthering Heights. Or some character from Tess of the Durbervilles. One event or a short series of events can have a paralysing effect on the outcome of the whole thing. It is a worm from the past that I have to deal with . I have love it and tried to smash it and walked away in a huff, screamed and cried and it is Still THERE.

It really did pop out of subconscious and I stoked a very old fire. I feel bad for trying to shame this guy. I doubt he is any great searcher for truth and would want to explore it. Hardly anybody wants to do that but maybe I should gestalt myself and pretend i am him and he is me. That sort of thing.

Very funny about Buddha. Watch out for thunderbolts dear Hops. Very funny though.
I am so not perfect spiritual Sea and always thought I come across as the barbarian on this site. I would like to be accepted and all that especially because the people here are so caring and smart and psychologically astute but I am heavy booted sometimes. Not as bad as today though.

I think that guy had an affair with my husband and it was a big one. Maybe I am crazy though. If it wasn't overt, it sure was covert. It is hard to cross that line and it really rocks my world and no one is going to be honest with me about it. Really is alternate nostril breathing time. Like in those books where a secret takes a lifetime to be revealed but the secret  slowly destroys those involved.

THINGS CAN GO OPERATIC SO FAST SOMETIMES.

Twoapenny:
Sea, Hops always says what I think but in a much better way than I think it so I echo everything she says :)

I've not seen you be a barbarian on this site, quite the opposite, in fact.  The things you've written to me over time have been thoughtful, considerate, loving and helpful.  I know years of my mum left me with a very negative view of myself and it's taken me a long time of being around good people to see my good aspects as well.  So perhaps your self view is a little skewed and you see yourself more harshly than you really are?  I certainly don't see you in the way you describe xx

And with regards to not being too nice to that guy, I have found over the years that people who have hurt me in some way unleash some sort of devil in me.  Someone invited me to a party over Christmas.  I accepted and then found myself thinking about times they've let me down and found myself hatching a plan to simply not bother to turn up to their party.  That isn't me, I'm the one that will only not go if there's a flood or I'm in hospital.  But those old hurts unleash 'Tup who will get her revenge' and I don't want her out and about too much.

Give yourself a hug, Sea.  You're a good egg, you've apologised to your man there (and in my experience the thick skinned Ns among us don't even notice these slights or if they do they attribute them to the other person rather than themselves), you're not a bad person.  Time for Sea to be nice to Sea, I think xx

sKePTiKal:
My two cents...

"warts & all" means just that Sea. The dark side too. The things we WISH we weren't capable of, but have evidence that we are. If we are to fully accept ourselves - and learn to love ourselves in healthy ways - we have to include the dark side.

There is no profit or nirvana available for smashing those parts of us into oblivion. They don't go away EVER. They are part of who we are. And they aren't evil, negative, things to abhor - they are the necessary parts of us that used correctly, and only in those rare - very rare - circumstances when it's a life/death situation, keeps us alive.

It can be mortifying however - if while we're trying repress and hide and deny this part of ourselves - that it jumps out unbidden at inappropriate times. BTDT myself. I believe that the more we try to deny this part of our selves, the more it seeks the expression of it's desires.

Back way before I had any inkling of just what I'd survived, I went steady with a very intelligent, charming N of a boyfriend. I was 16 when the jerk decided to break up with me at his brother's wedding. I was totally shattered - again - and didn't start to come back up for air & sunshine for about a year after. It didn't help at all that his pastor father tried to say there something wrong with ME, that I took his son's tacky & tasteless timing so hard. Poor naive girl - at least he was right about that.

Since then, other friends (male & female) in that group from that time have related THEIR stories about him too. To say I hold a grudge against him is an understatement. The thought of castrating him on sight is just totally associated with all my memories of that time. Does that make me a bad person? Not to anyone in his former circle of friends who have had the same and worse done to them, that's for sure. He sure spread the hurt and broken hearts around - and laughed at people's reactions.

So, I don't judge that you did a "bad thing" Sea. I think you acknowledged old hurts and feelings that still exist - and expressed them in a meaningful way to the right person. It might be embarrassing for awhile - but the next time you encounter a person/situation like that - this part of you will engage sooner and defend you from the kinds of hurts that take a long time to heal. And probably not so dramatically. LOL.

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