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I just did a terrible thing.... help

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sea storm:
Wow.  thankyou for your kind and deep thoughts that are so helpful.
Yep that dark side is a well of information both good and destructive .  My fears live there and at a primitive level of kill or be killed in an adrenaline fueled unconscious way. I am shaking just thinking about what went on with my ex and his big man crushes.  These crushes would result in some big adventure that left me out. I am able to see this now. He would be gone for weeks and didn't really miss me and with no explanation. Or we would spend huge amounts of time living around or with the latest wonderful guy. I don't think that is normal. At least it was not good for me.

Since my ex is not well and looking into the abyss I think, I am reliving my life with him. This has a life of its own and grief is like that. Someone said being in grief is like being thrown around as a dinosaur has you in its mouth, whipping you around. It is also trying to integrate my time with a narcissist. Twelve years is a long time to be in sphere of a narcissistic mate. I have spent years and years trying to understand narcissists and their impact on the people around them. The books and articles are really helpful but the emotional and psychological damage is barely touched by that knowledge.  Every narcissist is unique in their disorder. Some are blundering, bombastic, self centred idiots like Trump but some have much more finesse and even a kind of peacock beauty. Some are brilliant, charismatic, funny and attractive with stunning courage and bravado.  None of them are safe for me. Or anyone else. My mind insists on trying to make sense of behaviour that was cruel, thoughtless and selfish. I wish I would stop it. Something will trigger it and I get obsessed with HOW could he do that to me. Just throw me away.  And then I see that he fell in love with several people and he got them to fall madly in love with him too, male and female.  Well, who cares, its none of my business, leave it alone, hang on to the good people, walk dont wobble.
Nevertheless, I dragged up a big old hurt and went after it like a banshee.
If I imagine something good coming from it,, it would be that I would finally get honest answers to what happened between those two men. What could change a fisherman who was pretty much ok to a big time dope dealer who set this aspiring writer up in the most elaborate and expensive ways ie setting him up in a classy restaurent, buying a mansion with him, etc. This writer had nothing before my husband set him up. What he had was charisma and ambition.
God I am still ranting about it.  I can't change them and they sure as hell arent going to take a minute to illuminate their relationship. I got dumped and that is it.  I was so lucky to get dumped. I could not stand the chaos anymore but I was too insecure and broken to crawl away.  I am sorry for that person I was and sort of pissed off that I chose all that. Then I continued to live under his shadow because of all his money and my daughter.
Maybe I am finally getting angry. It is not pretty.

Oh I know ..... We could sit down and do a role playing gestalt about it and it will all be resolved and a great light of understanding will wash over us. I would be up for that.  However, that is not going to happen.

I am completely wrapped up in myself.


Sea

Hopalong:
When an injury is re-injured, you HAVE to be all wrapped up in yourself, dear Sea.

That's how you heal.

Still think you're judging yourself really harshly, hon. You deserve to roar and roaring here's really safe.

This too shall pass and ultimately you really will be free of that history and the pull to try to change it.

Facing the cold reality of Ns Don't Care is brutal, and revisiting it hurts. A lot. So does being unable to get acknowledgement or justification or understanding...ever. From Ns.

love,
Hops

lighter:
Sea:

Do you really care what this guy thinks?  Really?

Process your pain the way you need to and don't worry this guy..... he's a big boy.  Who maybe had an affair with your husband.  And introduced him to cocaine.  And the 16 yo.

Maybe he deserved what you gave him?

Light

sea storm:
A few days have past and I have recovered somewhat from sticking a stick in the works by getting pissed of and acting out by first unconsciously criticizing this guys movie by praising another one which I thought he wrote but didn't. Why that happened was pretty unconscious and downright strange. I scared myself with the pettiness of it.  I have thought of apologizing several times because I think that anger is a destructive force. I just wasn't rational about it and more at the f....  off level.

The narcissist husband is dying and although he has had a turn for the better healthwise, I realize he will never say he is sorry and he will go to the end not giving a thought to the damage he did to my life and if confronted would only make things worse with his arrogance and contempt. All this has pushed me into a downward spiral of guilt and self loathing. I imagine people don't like me and I am a flawed person. I take on the old shame. So I am trying to take care of myself, meditating and realizing that I have a life to live and can't let anyone ANYONE destroy my peace of mind. I am getting there slowly. What this shows me is that the experience of being intimate for years with a narcissist goes deep and is difficult to completely eliminate. It pops up and like PTSD  it feels like I am reliving the terrible times again with no rock to stand on. In my body lies the memories and they have come back with a vengeance. At least I can look at this with some detachment. Thank God for this board and all the years of learning about narcissism.

Blessings dear ones
Sea

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: sea storm on October 14, 2017, 01:28:23 PM ---A few days have past and I have recovered somewhat from sticking a stick in the works by getting pissed of and acting out by first unconsciously criticizing this guys movie by praising another one which I thought he wrote but didn't. Why that happened was pretty unconscious and downright strange. I scared myself with the pettiness of it.  I have thought of apologizing several times because I think that anger is a destructive force. I just wasn't rational about it and more at the f....  off level.

The narcissist husband is dying and although he has had a turn for the better healthwise, I realize he will never say he is sorry and he will go to the end not giving a thought to the damage he did to my life and if confronted would only make things worse with his arrogance and contempt. All this has pushed me into a downward spiral of guilt and self loathing. I imagine people don't like me and I am a flawed person. I take on the old shame. So I am trying to take care of myself, meditating and realizing that I have a life to live and can't let anyone ANYONE destroy my peace of mind. I am getting there slowly. What this shows me is that the experience of being intimate for years with a narcissist goes deep and is difficult to completely eliminate. It pops up and like PTSD  it feels like I am reliving the terrible times again with no rock to stand on. In my body lies the memories and they have come back with a vengeance. At least I can look at this with some detachment. Thank God for this board and all the years of learning about narcissism.

Blessings dear ones
Sea

--- End quote ---

I think the comparison to PTSD type symptoms is very accurate, Sea.  I find it's like waves; I have a calm bit, all is well, life works itself along and then something or someone pops up and I find I'm struggling again.  I did eventually get to a stage where I no longer needed or had any hope for any kind of apology or recognition from those who have harmed me.  I wonder if it's very unusual for someone who has done someone else harm to actually get to a stage in life where they see it, accept it and acknowledge it?  I would guess the level of delusion?  if that's the right word, that they employ in order to justify their behaviour in the first place is unlikely to shift?  Or maybe their own damage means they see the world in such a way that balance and fairness just aren't a part of it?  I don't know.  It's very hard to be knocked down again and again and not have anyone say sorry.  I remember someone I know (who had an awful relationship with her mother, very cold and abusive throughout her life) telling me her mum said sorry on her deathbed, but that even that didn't help because she knew she was saying it to get what she wanted (she wanted her daughter to hold her hand and my friend said she just couldn't do it, she'd always hurt her so much that she just couldn't pick her hand up).  It's a tangled web and one we're all slowly unpicking!  I sometimes wish there was a fast forward so you could skip the painful stuff and just get to the good bit :)  Lol xx

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