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Heist on Something....
Hopalong:
Well now that I've been slinging relationship advice in all directions (like I actually know), ahem. I may be entering another situation where I learn even more about what I don't know.
There's a nice man I met when his daughter sent him my flyer and said, why don't you hire this person to help in your home office, Dad? He's a widower after a long marriage. Five years older. He's politically my opposite. But for some reason, there was a spark the first time we saw each other. He dragged out three transparently ineffective "job interviews" until he finally confessed he'd rather date me instead. (He found a nice lady--married, mother of two--a mile away whose schedule works better for filing assistance, and anyway...he wants to date me instead. Suited me, since his home office work is boring as HECK. And, he lives 30 minutes from me and I wouldn't have enjoyed doing that commute 2-3 days/week.)
Things are progressing. I'm feeling delight AND anxiety. I joked about getting a whiteboard so we can be sure to write down what we have in common because it's not much! He's tall, handsome and athletic. He's a well-off retired businessman, big house on golf course, football watcher, constant golf (ugh). All the stereotypical things I tell myself I couldn't be happy with. We did watch some football. Yup, still hate it. BUT...he's also intelligent, kind to me, very interested, and his wife was politically like myself. (I said, great, you've had practice!) So far, for the whiteboard we've got: dogs, food, some travel ideas, and a few TV shows we both enjoy. NOT much. My dog liked him a lot, though.
I dunno. Way too early to fantasize much, and I'm totally tiptoeing. I really do think we're so very very different it's an Opposites Attract thing. (I reminded him, you know, it's until six months later when the opposites drive you crazy...). Very hard to know whether my judgement's sound after two such drastically bad choices earlier in my life. I hope so. But I don't have full confidence.
Just thought I'd tell y'all. It's maybe a big thing or maybe a last hurrah before I go back in my little house and shut the door for good on those ideas. But if I can slow him down and we talk more (he's way less verbal and perhaps has done less introspecting) ... and we do continue to feel the spark and maybe more ... who the heck knows? We both laid cards on the table right off the bat. He has made clear that he wants a permanent relationship and I said I do too but for me, that's marriage and he said eek, and I said (as a joke because it was early-date talk) if that ever happens you get a prenup. But I meant it. The economic gulf is just too big and I would insist. First, I couldn't bear for any man (or any man's family) to think I'm after his wallet. Second, he's got grandchildren. (If someone I outlived had the resources to leave me a safer than I am now? Sure, I'd hope for that. Right now, I couldn't afford even a modest retirement home if I were too frail to be on my own.) But I have zero interest in big house, new car, fancy clothes, luxury for its own sake. Basic comfort and peace of mind, absolutely. But not luxury--not only do I not crave it but too much turns me off. Haven't downsized and frugalized all these years for nothing. I hate the $truggle but the simplicity side of it has meaning to me. Quite a lot. So that's the economic contrast.
He asked me (early, pre-attachment), why marriage for you? I said, because I want to love someone that much and I want to be loved that much. It's the ultimate commitment. And he responded well. Or, since he's taking me seriously and seems more eager, I guess he got it. (Or who knows.)
BTW, I really really really would not like living out there. It screams gated community isolation, and is a 30-minute drive from everything I love about where I live. So one day (NOT SOON) there would be a major compromise for somebody. And I'm not sure he'd be willing to make it. He's an engineer and very logical (just exactly the person who needs a poet?). And his own lifestyle (except for the lack of a woman) seems to please him fine. I can't visualize him living in a non-golfy-clubby kind of setting. And to be honest, I just loathe those kinds of developments. If we ever get to that level, it'll be a big challenge to find a compromise. (I can't sell my house, it's in trust for my D. But I could rent it out if we made a new home together.)
Anyhow, that's it so far. (House speculations are cart way way before horse...I need to stay present.) My poor T is going to earn his fee! I'm lucky you guys are here too.
love,
Hops
Twoapenny:
Aw, Hops, this made me smile so much! I'm so happy that this is happening, whatever and however it becomes :)
As I am getting older, I am realising that different views, opinions, lifestyle preferences don't matter; it's whether each person can respect the other person's views and choices, if discussion can be kept polite and detached, in a way (where things like politics are concerned). Personally I would find it very difficult to live in someone else's pocket and forever be in agreement with them (would it ever occur? It seems unlikely to me). So the idea of two people, happy in their own lives, used to being on their own but enjoying each other's company, being able to acknowledge their differences but to enjoy the things they do have in common and to have a healthy respect - not feeling the need to belittle or demean, as is sometimes the case when people have differing views - oh my days, that sounds so good!
I don't think we can ever know whether or not someone is a good fit for us until the early rush has subsided a bit and some of the annoying habits have surfaced :) What I do think is probably better in relationships as we get a bit older is that you don't have the demands of young children, a career to develop, elderly parents to take care of and that whole, who am I, what do I want thing. You can just be yourselves and enjoy your time together. I'm excited for you! I think this sounds great :) Does he know that, if things become more serious, he will be known online as Mr Hops? ;) xx
lighter:
I'm smiling ear to ear for you, Hops.
I have little advice outside... just have a good time, and don't think too much.
Pay attention to how you feel about this guy. Honor your instincts, and stay busy with all other aspects of your life. Don't let him take all your energy. People are interested in people who have things going on besides them, IME.
Eat, drink, and enjoy the companionship, Hops.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Tupp, thank you. You mentioned respect twice and that really is the secret I think. And just enjoying each other's company, not stressing over the earlier chapters. I like that advice! Respect is everything.
Lighter, you too, much thanks. Paying attention to how I feel and being sure to maintain independence. Both massive keys to sanity and a wiser life than I've led before when it came to relationships.
I may need these reminders -- and new ones -- again, and let me telegraph I welcome all advice plus reminders of what I'm ignoring! (Repetition's the only thing that stands a chance with this brain.)
Gratefully,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Man, we're all so different, aren't we? (That's a really good thing IMO).
I couldn't ever in a million years start out the gate talking about marriage - except in general terms. Not at this stage of life. The complications of location are a big one - as you've pointed out. Life long bachelors at this stage of life aren't lonely or looking either. So you automatically know, there's "history" with you both.
I don't have a problem with committed relationships that don't involve marriage or even living together all the time. Such things do exist, depending on the people - and the degree of success/satisfaction vary to a great degree. Trust has to be pretty high in those kinds of arrangements, I would guess. I've lived with all my husbands before marriage... and some others where the relationship didn't progress to that point, for one reason or another.
Remember, I've pretty much been a relationship with someone since I was 16. I was just totally hard-wired for that. So the things I miss... are like folding his laundry, ironing his shirts, making a home for someone in conjunction with myself. There has always been someone to "look after". Mike was probably the best at returning the favor - and looking after me too. Once I learned I had to let him. LOL.
I think my only advice for you Hops - is to enjoy yourself, keep your eyes/ears open, and just see what develops. Don't try to make it fit any pre-determined patterns and stay realistic about what you WANT, what is, and whether there's mutuality of give & take... and just have FUN.
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