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Heist on Something....

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Hopalong:
Thanks, (((Amber))).

I don't have any judgement about living together. It's just that in my perilous old-age situation (if nothing in my life changes) I would be so out of luck if I moved in to a "permanent relationship" with none of the legal protection of marriage...and then the man (or his family) booted me at some point. Thanks, bye now!

I want that ultimate commitment or I'd live with anxiety. It's just the circumstances. I wouldn't want to risk spending my 70s and beyond with someone who didn't demonstrate that depth of reciprocity. I know how great the chances are of me becoming responsible for an older man who's unwell (this man's father, for example, developed Alzheimer's) -- but have to admit I don't have total faith that this sense of responsibility would be reciprocal. It probably would be, if I've chosen well (don't know this man well enough to know--just a hypothetical), but I've seen a lot of abandonment of the old. I HOPE my intuition and brain will gather enough info to assess risks wisely ... but I did that very poorly before.

The other reason is that at this point, I have literally no one else and minimal resources. No relatives to step up for me when I'm too old to step up for myself. So should I get into a committed relationship at this age, I want a marital commitment. It would mean I become family, and don't stay "the girlfriend." It's a way of expressing that I am equally important as the man and am worthy of this. (And it'd be my last chance to get it -- marriage -- right.)

All premature and all hypothetical. But that's how I'm seeing it, to whatever degree I might get to choose my future.

When this man and I talked about marriage it had a lot to do with our age, I think. We both know time is shorter than it used to be. I'm in my late sixties and he in his early seventies. I've had an ex die and he watched his wife die. Mortality is for real (as you know so painfully too) and I guess we were both on the same page about saying right up front, why are we dating. Why are we searching for someone. So we did.

For a woman only a couple notches above poverty, marriage does still offer some greater safety than I can provide myself on my own. I HATE that this is true, but after decades of unequal pay and banging my head on glass ceilings, and then taking on the career cost of elder care with no help from my brother, it just is my reality. If I were in your economic situation, with involved children, I might have no interest in remarrying. Perhaps a well-off man can "take it or leave it" but I have to be honest that for me, security would be part of that choice. Not "gold digging" security, just -- I am a spouse, and I matter. I want to be loved enough that he (He Whoever) would want to give me that feeling. Again, I'm not after a luxurious life. But I want to be loved wholeheartedly. And give Him Whoever the same. If a man suggested, oh I want you to live with me for the rest of my life (because I'm a loyal, affectionate, and very responsible companion) -- I'd feel, gee thanks. And what about the rest of mine?

Or...I'll just wind down my life in this scary path I've been on, however long I can walk it. (I've noticed already that the elder care I do for work is getting harder. My back hurts from heaving walkers in and out of the car and sometimes I wonder, can I do this until age 75? 80? My banker friend tells me she's concerned because my nest egg is so small, and in years to come, my social security won't be enough to keep me afloat if I need to hire any help at all.) A stinking Medicaid nursing home isn't the way I'd like life to end if I'm lucky enough to have another option.

So, for romantic AND self-protective reasons, if I go all in on a long-term relationship, I want a ring on it.  :shock:

Hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
Hops, I hear you, and what you've said is refreshingly honest, not only in terms of how you feel about it but accepting the reality of ageing and the financial side of that very real situation.  We'd all like to think we can go on indefinitely and that if we do need help it will be freely available but it just isn't the way it goes, as you know from your own experiences of caring for others.  Although my situation is different, I know I would only be living with a guy again now if we were married.  Not from a moralistic point of view but because I feel now that if I'm going to make the big adjustment that co-habiting would mean to me then I want a big commitment from him as well.  So I completely understand where you are coming from on that, and you put it so eloquently, as always.

You and your chap will have some fun times, I am sure, and as things progress I know you will be constantly balancing your head with your heart and keeping in mind the (very many, and often painful) lessons you have learnt in life.  We are with you all the way!  And we want regular updates :) xx

sKePTiKal:
Thanks Hops. Your thoughts on this topic help me process mine. I get what you're saying and think it's very sensible. I'm also aware that my financial situation can change in a heartbeat, so many of my projects that I'm taking on are forward in time projections... what can I do NOW, that will help me be secure in the future kind of thing.

That side of the relationship equation is something I can think about - and know myself pretty well on - too. It's easier than the smooshy romantic stuff. That's where I flail about... LOL.

Hopalong:
I'm finding the smooshy stuff a challenge too, but it's fun to be "back in the water", so to speak.

Small example: he's quite attractive and that is lovely. But he hugs too tightly. It's just how he hugs. I was startled at first because I thought he was in the grip of emotion, expressing intense feeling. But nope, it's just how he hugs. Picture a very large vise, clamp, etc. So my task is going to be (so silly to write this out but it took a lot of tension to mentally rehearse it) -- telling him this without hurting his feelings.

His moustache is closely trimmed but the hairs are like little redwood logs. Very scrapey.

I can live with the 'stache but I think the too-tight holding I gotta deal with. Almost gave me a "trapped" feeling. I just need to follow the rules I learned a long time back (just haven't had the occasion for a couple DECADES...eeek!). Like, always start with the underlying positive:
--I love being close to you. I feel safe and snuggly. There's something so comforting about your body.
(and then the thing I'd like to ask for)
--Could you hold me a little less tightly? When you pull me toward you so hard I instinctively pull back. It feels nicer for me when we both can move freely.

What I AM liking: He called me the other night just to say he'd been feeling lonely. It was real and I really liked it that he names it and shares it. I wrote him an email the other day to say how much it helped my cold because he'd written to ask if I felt better, that I'd gone back to sleep "with a smile on my face." He responded that me writing that made HIM smile.

Sounds small and silly, but that he can be even that expressive is a relief. We're talking about an engineer, ex Air Force, conservative guy. For his generation and personality type, he does seem in touch with some feelings. He also mentioned having been to a counselor, and also having participated in a bereavement group (in which he tried to help everybody).

We'll see. One date at a time...

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Have you had a chance to ask him not to squeeze so tight yet? I'm wondering how that went.

I ask, because I have known guys that would be a tad sensitive about the question at all - taking it as some sort of "performance critique". Yeah, it's kind of ego-based on their part. It's usually followed by an over-lengthy discussion about how they don't know their own strength, and a simple statement of my claustrophic (and very much triggered memory) feelings. Sometimes a joke gets the point across, but doesn't hit their ego tripwire.

"You're squeezing the stuffing (or pee, as the case may be) right out of me!"

Not that I've had occasion to even need to worry about that in a while. Just vicariously walking myself through some "what-ifs" while following your adventure. I'm really not entirely sure I'm brave enough yet to be "available" that way.

ETA: I think I like IDEA of it... but that's as far as I'm willing to venture.

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