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The wide, wacky, wonderful world of "TRUST"

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Hopalong:
I sure am asking all those things...(I might snag that juicy paragraph over to Heist and chew on it there...).

I trust you pixel people here, because:

1) I have risked vulnerability, writing for years about my deepest hurts. VESMB people have been generous, patient, and kind. I will never forget how alone I felt and terrifying it was to battle my socioNbro in court, and later (repeatedly) my Nboss and the bully at work....even my own D when she was raging. Coming here at 2am and pouring out fear and hurt and anger, over and over....and there would be someone, sometimes multiple someones, who'd offer comfort and counsel. I felt listened to. People didn't always have the "right" answers either. Just knowing somebody cared enough to offer some gentleness and courage, was amazing.

It was those repeated experiences that built trust for me. It's not always that way and in early days even here, there were some folks who were maybe shredding others out of their own pain or confusion. I think that's why Doc had to close VESMB in the first place (he wouldn't have time to moderate the board if it went the squabbling way of many other online forums). Way back when, he had to boot a couple of folks who lashed out hard and couldn't seem to stop.

My sense of trust has grown here because of others' goodwill. And patience. And restraint from cruelty or contempt when they disagree. And gentleness. And humor. And their own courage and struggles -- when I respect people for how they've conducted their own battles, and can see those flashes of compassion (doesn't gotta be on billboards) and respect I just learn.... I'm safe here. People are basically good and kind and we are members of a social species that needs other people.

It's almost like this is an old-fashioned place (i.e., "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."). No contempt or rage, yet folks will buckle up through some challenging convos too. Maybe not as much as specific "interest groups" but we do share minds along with hearts, imo.

Some people are inspired by tough love. I prefer smart love, that's what VESMB feels like to me. If I respect others' dignity and vice versa, then I know nobody's into tearing me down recreationally.

I also think that people choose trust because it's a survival need. To affirm our humanity and worth we've got to affirm somebody else's. I think cynicism erodes trust and contempt butchers it.

Can't explain the pixel-magic but I wish there were a way to print out 15ish years of posts as my journal....

hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on January 04, 2018, 08:59:16 AM ---OK, that's one type of trust issue...

what are some others? I know Hops has to be asking if B is who is saying he is... and sorting the evidence she can perceive herself, to what he says. And then wondering about whether he's not that self-aware, maybe in denial, or has ulterior motives when she notices a discrepency. Which of those, become dealbreakers? When? What can she choose to live with - even if she doesn't subscribe to the reality/perception of it? What other things offset that - to make TRYING to live with it worthwhile?

How is it, that we trust each other - each other's perceptions about ourselves - and our honesty with each other... when all we have are these pixels that make up characters that become words online? By what kind of MAGIC does the support, encouragement, compassion come through those pixels?? And when we do disagree on topics... how is it we can trust each other not to totally shred us, for simply expressing our opinions... when that seems to be the current online pastime for a lot of people?

Trust is a simple word... but there's SO MUCH to it under the hood.

--- End quote ---

Ooh, Skep, those are interesting questions!  For me, trust is built through time (lots of it, in my case, and many, many small experiences), and lots of experiences that show me that a person is aware enough of themselves not to blame someone else for something they do or want to hurt someone else when they are hurting (or at least not to act on hurting someone else; I often rant in my head at people if they annoy me but I try not to actually say anything until I've calmed down).

All the things that Hops says about people on the board hold true for me.  I'm  not sure how many years I've been coming here now - maybe eight?  It's a long time, much longer than I've ever used any other kind of group, online or face to face. Over time I've revealed more and more of myself and I've never been shot down, mocked, ignored.  People have been kind, compassionate, offered advice, listened.  I think the main thing for me is that I trust the people on here offer up what they think is good for me, rather than doing what is good for them?  I trust because people have offered me an ear or a hand up over and over again and never asked for anything back.

Face to face, the circle of people I trust is small, but again, it's for the same reasons.  All these years with my son, when so many have let me down and cast us aside, there are a small group who have stayed in touch, even though I can offer little in return in terms of wonderful stories or exotic evenings out.  Those small actions - the phone calls, the visits, the little gifts every now and again that say "I'm thinking of you" are the reason I trust them because again, they ask for nothing in return.  They don't get in touch because they want something from me, they just want to know how I am.  That's where my trust for them comes in, many, many small experiences that have built up into a big wall of comfort.  Whatever I say, they get me.  Even if they don't agree, they still get me (and that's the same on here, I feel).

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