Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

The wide, wacky, wonderful world of "TRUST"

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Hopalong:
Got it. That is different.
The pre-drive panic is strong enough that some disassociation happens.

Ai yi. I'm sorry. That must be really difficult to go through.

Yup, I can see you being captain of your car and in sailing mode once underway.

So the focus and help needs to go into that anticipatory period that turns sour.

What do you think would help?

love
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Maybe I'm not communicating well. The driving was one example; dissociation-fear is another - altho I can see where someone would be terrifed that they unconsciously drive themselves to Hoboken, on a trip to Philly. The lack of self-trust applies to lots of different things. It varies in degrees of intensity.

Mike's D showed up last night with the kids, for our Christmas party. It's NEXT week; I knew I should've made sure she knew the date. She had texted both Holly and me, to see if we needed anything... I didn't see my phone; Holly replied that we had it covered... LOL... We decided we're both losing our minds.

But things like that aren't helping any either.

sKePTiKal:
OK, this is one time when knowledge and cognitive processes might resolve a worry/anxiety quicker than anything else. I went researching again... and after finding a society that studies dissociative disorders, I was able to pick one thing that most closely resembles what my experience was: dissociative amnesia - ie, completely blocking "Twiggy" and her memories of trauma.

This is a decent explanation:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/dissociative-amnesia

Why it's come up now, again:
I think the extended timeframes of solitude are partly responsible. I can let my mind drift, willy-nilly, for days at a time, from one thing to another... without really paying attention to it. Sort of like how you tune out a spouse who's telling a story for the Nth time... LOL. Without some attention to what I'm thinking - damn near anything is likely to pop up, even stupid stuff that I don't really believe or think.

Speaking of spouses, that direct memory of Mike - his physical presence and being - is beginning to fade on me. Could be another trigger for "why now". I really don't want to lose him - again - this way too. Even though, part of me thinks it might be for the best, as I keep moving forward with my life. He really kept me grounded, but some new guy is going to be a whole new package of "stuff" in a different combination.

I recall having a very intense fear of a relapse into that kind of amnesia, in the near-term after Twiggy "went into the box". It might very well be why the person I saw, suggested that I save Twiggy to deal with at a later date, you know? Twiggy's been pretty well integrated with who I became after, I think. Every once in awhile, there's a strong disagreement. They are fewer and farther between now.

Now, I know from years of therapy for this, that it's not likely to re-occur. I'm emotionally and mentally stronger than I was at 12; I'm not dealing with daily abuse from my mom, either. But one of the overpowering feelings from that time, was how alone I was. And here I am again, with another type of alone.

The knowledge piece that can go a long way to alleviating the fear (now) of relapse into that amnesia, is that it was in response to intense emotion and trauma; near death experience. Evidence and experience of later crises, and my ability to function a tad higher, more efficiently than many people would throughout, would tend to prove that the fear is completely irrational. A phobia, for all intents & purposes. I don't fall apart until WELL AFTER a situation calms down. Been that way a long time now.

And I do make it a point to focus my mind and concentrate on things in the solitude... and plan, design, make, engineer and challenge myself in this new "life" of mine - foreign as it is. I'm truly not in danger of slip-sliding into some permanent mental fog... and the fear-feeling that it could overtake me again... simply doesn't have any basis in anything real. It's residual Twiggy-dust.

Yeah, I think this is what is UNDER a lot of my lack of self-trust too. Same thing; different manifestation.

My engineer friend was talking about how he's been adapting to some hefty changes in his life, while admitting there is always someone who has it worse than us. He wrote this (lest you think engineers are emotionless):


--- Quote ---I am also aware that we have the choice of remaining on the curb and whimpering into the long night, or standing back up at least figuratively, hoisting the black flag with an extended middle finger and kicking fate square in the testicles once again.
--- End quote ---

You SEE why I connect with this guy???? LOL.

I've also been wondering what the experiential difference is between trust, belief in one's own competency, and confidence... something to ponder in another post.

Hopalong:
This has the clarity of a pebble dropping into a pool. I can see the ripples, and how for a transient moment, they obscure the water. How it's clean and healthy and full of life.


--- Quote ---one of the overpowering feelings from that time, was how alone I was. And here I am again, with another type of alone.
--- End quote ---


That is such a powerful, insightful connection imo, Amber. I'm so glad you've made it.

What rushes into my imagining of your "alone" is compassion. As tough and strong and functional as you are, alone is alone and gets to everyone, anyone, in some way some time.

I know you're okay. I totally trust your strength is real. And your capacity for insight and integration of all you have been into all you are is extremely real.

You were drawn away from the crowds and the chaos maybe just for this encounter with your alone. In grief for Mike but maybe also to reclaim your own alone. Your own alone as a gift, as much as it must feel in moments like a punishment.

You can thrive in alone better than most, but you don't deserve lonely.

Now that I've finished doing Tupp's dishes, I would like very much to come sit in your big woodsy room and drink a beer.

Sending you a big real hug, and respect. Loads of it.

I can ... sorta .... see the attraction for the testicle-kicking engineer pal. Hee. I'm glad you have him.

Still hoping for your mountain man, that he'll hurry up his leathery ass and find you. But in the meantime, still hoping you'll take comfort in the company of good strong kind women. They can do a hell of a lot about lonely.

love to you,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
OK, that's one type of trust issue...

what are some others? I know Hops has to be asking if B is who is saying he is... and sorting the evidence she can perceive herself, to what he says. And then wondering about whether he's not that self-aware, maybe in denial, or has ulterior motives when she notices a discrepency. Which of those, become dealbreakers? When? What can she choose to live with - even if she doesn't subscribe to the reality/perception of it? What other things offset that - to make TRYING to live with it worthwhile?

How is it, that we trust each other - each other's perceptions about ourselves - and our honesty with each other... when all we have are these pixels that make up characters that become words online? By what kind of MAGIC does the support, encouragement, compassion come through those pixels?? And when we do disagree on topics... how is it we can trust each other not to totally shred us, for simply expressing our opinions... when that seems to be the current online pastime for a lot of people?

Trust is a simple word... but there's SO MUCH to it under the hood.

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