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End of the Road Farm

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lighter:
Oh dear, Amber. 

I can't imagine how the 10' pole became necessary, with your much appreciated doc friend, but these things happen.  Lord knows they do.  Sorry to read that. 

When it rains, relax and turn towards inside jobs.  Worrying does no good, and sometimes you don't lose so much as have time to figure out better plans, IME.  Sometimes not, but worry over something you can't control is a waste of good time, and certainly doesn't reflect on you.  You're a work monster, and you'll get everything done as you can, bc that's what you do.

Sorry about the trees, but it sounds like you're keeping and protecting zillions more, so there's that.  Do you have many Hemlocks?  And, are they suffering?  Wooly Adelgid is killing them all over the place here.  Don't wait too long if you have specials ones around the house you need to save, and they're struggling. 

Pat yourself on the back, and enjoy that novel. 

Holly will check in eventually, and you can pretend not to be ticked off that she waited.  Maybe mention she missed the agreed upon time when she's calm, well fed, and feeling good.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Oh, none of us are all that sensitive Lighter. Not even Holly - she does hide behind that sometimes to express irritation at some of my mom-reflexes - but her irritation goes away when she has to admit she does the same things, sometimes.  ;)  And that I can't always catch myself either.

Even when we're REALLY angry with each other, it almost always ends in laughing at ourselves for being jerks, one way or another.

She called me from the road, and we talked when I called her back. She didn't call last night because it was after 11 pm. Told her a text that said she arrived at planned destination was all I needed and we can always chat in the mornings. Texts have gone back & forth periodically today. Silly "adventure" stuff. Knuckles stuff. I knew the dog was going to be a challenge (in more ways than one).

Dr. Know-It-All, my friend - initially understood how I could forget that long post of things that I did during the timeframe he wanted me to help. He asked very late at night one night... and I was already stressed out about Holly seeing Matt. My brain doesn't fire on all cylinders when I'm stressed. All was fine until he started making snide & nasty comments by way of "diagnosing" Holly's mental/emotional state to me. (Which are totally off-base and also a boundary issue, IMO.)

So, I didn't just return fire. I stopped. I considered the messaging that had gone on late in the night; the stress we were both feeling... I simply corrected the record (I thought), apologized thoroughly and formally for backing out on him and owned the mistake I made. And still those one-liner nastygrams continue, along with a total misperception about Holly and our relationship.

That perception is, no doubt in my mind, being painted with his bitterness about what's happened within his own family - the incapacitated wife he's still married to (and hasn't lived with in 12 years), the plans to care for his disabled adult daughter, the #2 daughter also bailing on him... AND the woman he lives with. His responsibilities at the moment have him between two states, which is not where he lives most of the time. He really IS overwhelmed, I get that. I would be a basketcase.

The family situation itself - was enough for me to pull out my trusty 10 ft pole. The additional nastygrams yesterday had me asking WTH he was talking about. He asked if he might be losing his mind... LOL. I said it was a distinct possibility the way he'd misperceived things I'd said. AFTER I'd validated his plans, decisions and problem-solving even.

He's like a hand grenade that's had the pin pulled. But instead of being overly sensitive - he strikes out with venom. I don't need that and have no intention of continuing to be on the receiving end of this. I keep wondering if it would be even worse, if I had let Holly dangle on her own - without being here to witness her processing and keep her from doing any more damage to her self image - and did arrive on site to help him. (As all the other "developments" were forthcoming from him, after I bowed out.)

I think I narrowly escaped a very unpleasant experience that would probably put a stake in the heart of any possible friendship. I'll give him a wide berth for awhile; let him get his situation under control by himself and stay a bit more detached.

Blech.

lighter:
About the doc friend....

I'm sorry he's struggling, and lashing out.

I don't know if he'll pull it out. 

That he can admit what he's done seems hopeful to me.

Lighter

Hopalong:
For me, one instance of lashing out or verbal venom and I directly exit the relationship.
Ain't mine to judge, but if an adult has not yet learned to manage anger in a different way, as in go chop wood, walk, talk to your own T, work it out in your own way AWAY from me...then that's not a person I choose to remain connected to. Took me a long time to figure it out but there it is.

Not me, of course, because I'm much too sophisticated...but someone I vaguely know something about (her nickname suggests a cowboy or perhaps a bunny wabbit) watched Bachelor in Paradise the other night. An engaging though obnoxious fellow who felt stressed suddenly slipped into F*-yous and glares and lashed out at others verbally, putting them down ("you're envious...").

One young woman talking about him later said, when I saw his eyes go dark and heard that, how I felt about him changed. (She's currently being stupid enough to hang in with him but that's just because she gets to continue in the game, I think).

Anyway, it's like that for me. I forgive and even understand, but I will not subject myself to someone with an untrustworthy temper. Just no can (or no will) do. Although as a personality I generally want to fix things, spurts of anger or rage I do not wish to fix. May the universe fix them.

At this stage in my life, I require reliable emotional self-control from anyone I'd be vulnerable with.

And I think it's not judgmental, really, just knowing who I am and setting my own boundaries.

Good luck with this, Amber. I know you have a higher pain threshold but that does not mean you deserve pain.

love,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Well, one thing I know about me is that as a compassionate witness I can compost a lot of misdirected anger which might seem as if it's dumped on me... but really isn't. (I don't often allow myself to wear that witness hat, however. The people aren't that important to me. This guy has been a wise friend who spoke directly about hard things until I "heard" him. But won't ever - even in my wildest fantasies - be more than a friend.)

I was mostly in this role for Holly. Because, much like me, anger pulls her out of self-pity and fear and anxiety about the future. She does this way faster & better than I do. She is currently leaving that chapter of her life, 6000 miles behind her down the road as she heads off into the sunset with Knuckles and the '77 Pontiac. She'll turn back toward home in about 4-5 days. Two days on the road has her in OK City, from WV. She grabs on tight and jumps off the cliff - laughing.

For me, Doc's "sin" was a) not hearing my description about Hol and b) superimposing his judgements on her without the awareness that his own family-karma was coloring that. It's forgivable, I think. But as he's still not settled, I won't tax him with addressing this just now. I'll simply fade away for a bit. I can't give him more than that, until he gets his head removed from his anal area and is able to THINK again. But it does give me some insight into a kind of man, I am not compatible with. We all have quirks, foibles, bad habits... but the difference for me, is being aware of them, and TRYING to manage yourself so as not be painful to be around. Even one's confidantes... in those times when you need to bare your emotional soul.

Holly and I probably push the line on those moments. But we both know it and are aware of it and are quick to resolve it, happily. We've had a lifetime of practice with this - hers. We are always mindful of boundaries and our personal differences, even when we let ego get in the way and think the other should be more like "me". We both know that's never gonna happen. LOL. Sometimes, we even remember to include a disclaimer that we're changing "role hats" now... before pronouncing something difficult to address. And the relationship has been evolving over the past month. Lots of things to ponder as I've noticed them... perhaps point out or acknowledge to her.

She needs that kind of attention - at arm's length - right now; or did the past month. Her autonomy and self-confidence is what she's currently driving toward. And my anxiety or worries come second to that pursuit. I know she'll be fine, in her own flailing way. LOL.

And now that I have my solitude - and all the chores - back to myself. It's time to pick a spot and start digging in.

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