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End of the Road Farm

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Hopalong:
If you and Holly are happy and not enmeshed, and comfortable with the release of anger then it's working for you. It sounds like it works for you both--she reciprocates and seeks out the intense dialogue with you, so that says she values or benefits from it.

As someone whose intense involvement in my D's life later resulted in complete rejection, I can't view it objectively or therapeutically, so that's a good boundary for me to mind. Every twosome, parent-child, friend-friend, partner-partner, discovers its own unique benchmarks for a healthy relationship. And what's healthy to some ain't healthy to others. (For me, now, even if my D appeared in a cloud of light, I'd approach with extreme caution. Because cruelty.)

I'm glad your way of relating feels positive for you two and also glad that you will have some relief for a while from that focus. So you can return to the ongoing projects that bring you contentment. Contentment is what you deserve. And I still hope new trustworthy male companionship will appear for you!

love
Hops

lighter:
Amber:

This doc friend....

he's interested in you for more than friendship, isn't he?

Or not? 

Seems some men pull that when they have romantic notions they can't talk about or bring about, IME.

He's certainly lost his ability to remain patient with you, even if he wasn't judging Holly, and lashing out.  He's questioning his sanity, so he can tell he's lost his balance.  Distance seems necessary. 

I guess worst case scenario is, you lose a cabinet member you once relied on for frank opinions.  Best case is he goes back to being that, and this crisis behavior falls away. 

I spoke to a guy friend this morning I haven't spoken to in a while.  It was all about his dd, and not much personal about ourselves.  He did that lash out thing, and I tried to talk about it to him last year.  He didn't admit to it, but laughed when I laid it out so he couldn't MISS what he'd done.  Laughing was worse than pretending he didn't do it at all for some reason, and that's one cabinet member gone.  No use pretending he's not, bc the relationship has been all  but over for many months.  It's just taken me a period of adjustment to grasp that truth.

So, there's more room for new people.  Not an empty place where a friend used to be.  Right?

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Right Lighter. It's not empty at all. Because of Ronnie's accident - and his hunting buddies - I'm getting to know them - and my "rent-a-men" for specific things, much better. You know, people who can actually lend a physical set of hands when I need them. The guys bring their kids - mostly sons - along too. So they don't think I'm scary. The local people here are generally good, honest (do what they say they will) and reassuring to be around.

I've been questioning the Doc's relationships for quite some time. He's the one who invited me to come visit him (with his bipolar ladyfriend) at his farm. Maybe I'm just paranoid... but that immediately raised warning bells for me, if you can remember back when I mentioned it. He wanted to assist in my "grieving process". Thanks, no. I think I've done ENOUGH of this, to know how to do it. LOL.

Now that his chickens are coming home to roost in the form of having what looks to me, like two families to deal with... I'm glad I wasn't tempted at the first invitation and that Hol pulled me back from getting involved when he sent me his SOS. It's OPP - other people's problems. What I do for Hol is because of what she does for ME... and has done without complaint or difficulty. And that goes back many years now - over the time I divorced #2, married Mike and all the "rescues" of her sister. It's also Amazon training... which we have been doing since her teens. She is not like many people in her age cohort. She fits in and has a big network of people she knows and interacts with - but only a handful of those are her "korass" (it's a Vonnegut term). People she's had a long and deeper connection with over the years. She's going to be seeing some of them on her trip.

I just don't know if there is ever going to be another guy, Hops. It's kinda more what I think I SHOULD do, than what I really WANT to do. At least for now. It seems to offer "ease" & "security" but the reality of getting to know someone's warts and history... isn't always easy. And while Hol has and continues to push me to be more "social" and interact with people face to face... she finally understands my position after dealing with the bottom of her break-up blues. Yes, I could probably care about someone enough to be vulnerable with them again. Do I NEED to? Honestly, the answer is no. But I'm also not making that a firm "rule" for going forward; staying open to the possibility... there just aren't any candidates right now and that's OK. And I'm not LOOKING. I am taking a close friend's advice though and trying to "design one" in my mind and call him forth. LOL. You never know!! It could work. Stranger things have happened to me. (I also have a korass of people I'm deeply connected to. And as evidenced here - will babble incessantly about anything to anyone who stands still long enough to listen to me. LOL.)

sKePTiKal:
forgot to mention...

Somehow, over this last month of providing room for Hol to grieve her last 9 years it seems as though any lingering sadness I had over Mike has evaporated as well. Maybe because there was a lot of discussion about the balance between self & connection that goes on in a relationship... and what an "ideal" healthy balance should look like.

She pulled into Amarillo last evening, for an early night, hot shower, and downtime. On her way to Santa Fe either today or tomorrow... depending on stuff she can do with the dog. Been 3 days of tough, relentless driving - a sleepover at a friend's for a couple nights and a little exploring. Knuckles chased cows and Holly reacquainted herself with barbed wire again in OK. LOL. She said the cows all lined up and stared at him, puzzled - as if they were trying to decide if he was just a little cow or what he was. LOL. His new nickname is "Little Cow".

Hopalong:
I'm really glad the grief has run its course, Amber.
That makes room for creativity and peace and maybe...what comes at the right time.

So happy Hols and Knuckles are off doing their cool thang!

hugs
Hops

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