End of the Road Farm

[sKePTiKal]

That's what's nice about this guy Hops. We're having a perfectly ordinary "getting to know you" conversation. No red flags, no overly intimate stuff, just two people talking online.... just like THIS. Talking about losing spouses. Things we like to do... day in, day out stuff.

Does it help that he looks like a viking (and those DO look like authentic photos; no telling how old of course)? Yeah, kinda. Does it help he ran a nightclub in the 80s-90s that catered to rock & roll... and now has a much less "glam", more blue collar job?? YEP. We have music in common at least, some bands. We both survived our contact with that world, with our sanity intact. Does it help that he feels good about how his kids turned out, after raising them without his spouse? That too. He like boats, fishing, the Ohio State Buckeyes... (no one's perfect)... and he doesn't seem emotionally needy.

I might be though. LOL. I do keep checking to see if he's responded to my last message, which I'm working really HARD to keep from overly verbose. I tossed him a question this morning - that might cause him to run the other way as fast as he can. We'll see. I could be wrong about how I think he'll answer.

Weather is not enticing me to work outside today, but I might venture out to bring up one of the tall ladders and get light bulbs in my living room fixture. Ladder's heavy and has to come up steps. Then, this afternoon the bridge for my tv/storage unit is getting delivered and connected - THEN, I can finally put stuff ON it. Right now, I have all the electronics hooked up and only have to pull one plug to move the base cabinets, it's all in. I don't know what all we need to do... but I am going to have to level the left side shelves while things are pulled out and I have some muscle here.

I've ordered some rosa rugosa - rose hip bushes - to plant as one of the foundations of my food/fantasy - read: flowers & herbs - garden. I think I need some lilacs too. Fruit trees could go in this year too... but now I need to have a) front end loader and b) backhoe... for all this heavy work. That's a lot of holes to dig by hand in rocky soil. I need to call 811 and get my underground power marked too. I don't want to dig anything up or break it. And that needs to be done for running the power to the barn, too.

[lighter]

Vikings...

::Smiling::..

There are good ones, and all other manner, so stay frosty.  Believe him when he tells you who he is, and he likely will if you let him talk with zero judgement from you. 

Spring looks like it's lining up pretty well for you, Amber.  I'm so glad.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

"Hey Mr. Vi...
Now that we've chatted some, would you like to meet for coffee? It's good to meet the real person behind the messages. Let me know, Brunhilde"

Amber, there's no such thing as ordinary conversation with you, you know.

 

So happy you're having fun. Urge you to get offline asap and meet the guy. Before it builds...

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

He's 5-6 hrs away from my location.

[sKePTiKal]

The Viking is minding his manners and he's letting me babble on about myself, in hopes he starts to feel comfortable doing the same. I didn't scare him off yet. We aren't giving a lot of demographic information - so for instance, we couldn't track each other down and there's nothing for me to check online about him. It's just ordinary people conversation so far - no emotional anything.

He evaporated for a couple of days due to flooding in his area. And I felt like it would've been OK if he'd been scared off. No harm done; still no expectations... but that also indicates to me that we might just be passing the time, without any real connection or caring. I think I'm still OK with that, at this point.

Whatever strange space I've been in the past month, is starting to shift. And I'm completely re-examining my spring "to-do" list. I'm glad I didn't just jump into some really big projects just yet. I've got 10 rosa rugosa on their way, and I need to know where I can safely dig holes... plan out fencing... and think things through - keeping the whole picture in mind - including future "expansion" before I end up doing something that will become an obstacle or awkward later on.

[Hopalong]

Hmmm....two and a half hours each way for each of you?
A pain, but doable....

Dang. Wish some tall drink o' water in your neck of the woods would ramble into your life.

Meanwhile, you sure are staying mentally healthy with the projects. Productive and active.

I ate pizza and cookies and spent all day dozing. Elder gent is at the edge of life, health crises and loads of intense pain, so caregiving's gotten intense. You can only give a 107 pound 93 y.o so much medication before it affects all systems, and docs just keep piling in the pills. He barely eats and I hate to see him suffer. I've arranged an agency to fill in some times when i can't be there but feel the stress of worry about him. Hard to get others to step up although the church did come through so I could enjoy half the weekend. Whew. Sorry for the hijack, might start a thread just on work.

love and enjoy,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

That's OK Hops. There are so many digressions in my threads... it looks like a "where's Waldo" map.

I've been TIRED this weekend. Usually happens for a stretch in the spring/fall. I'm totally in agreement with myself during these times - silence is wonderful, I don't want/need to think, turn on something mindless on tv like barnwood builders or a favorite movie that I already know the dialogue, what happens, and don't need to really pay attention to it. My brain gets "spacey"... and I just "stop". I fall asleep with what I'm reading... and sleep for 9-10 hrs at a stretch. Wake up rested, but with "still" energy... not ready to tackle the list yet.

Some of it is the huge barometer swing we've been through, between the storm and now. And the temps being just as cold, as those days when the sunshine was pale & had no heat to it... only now the sun is blazing bright and actually feels warm.

I piddled around and started filling the shelves on the tv/storage unit. That let me de-clutter where all that stuff has been living till now, in the kitchen & dining room. That now looks less like a General Store. Did a little online shopping for things I was almost out of... did buying research on a wood splitter... and even talked myself out of doing laundry. I am starting to realize I need to do another thorough spring cleaning, since the carpentry work done last summer. And MAYBE I'll get ahead of the ladybugs & stinkbugs now. I'm thinking about tight-fitting, all wood, spring-closed screen doors for summer. I have sun shades for the porch here, just waiting for motivation to hang them. The sun coming over the ridge in the morning lights up all my trinkets on the top shelves in the tv corner.

Kids were going to come out - but they have their own stuff to take care of. My friend will come out for an overnight St. Patrick's weekend... one of our traditional get-togethers, because Mike's birthday was about then, too. I could very well have the usual house full then... so I guess I should work on that bunkroom some.


The Viking is OK. I already knew that guys my age have their own farms, family close by, and aren't giving any of that up... and neither am I. He has mentioned wanting to buy land near OBX... and I don't have the heart to fill him in on the reality of it. It's a good place to dream about and vacation in. The trip to where he is, is about 4-5 hrs Hops. It's about the same distance from here, to where I grew up in OH - only he's east a bit and where there aren't any major highways. Remember - I'm about 1/2 hr from the VA border... and my county is optimistically described as "2 1/2 hrs from DC". LOL. Maybe as the crow flies.

[Hopalong]

Right.
So you pick a spot halfway between, and meet there for a looong lunch!

Eh?

(I am SUCH a nag.)

The idea of you sitting on your mountain watching the morning light appear over a ridge and cast magic into that deep-quiet, mountain-home space nearly gives me chills. But happy ones. Such beauty.

I lived in mountains a lot during my life, and that's the nature that most speaks to me. These days, I don't spend enough time there. Need to go out (hell, it's just 20-30 minutes) and look at the valley, take some old-lady trails, remind myself how good that mountain quiet, except for wind rustle, is...how calming to the spirit and spacious to the mind.

hugs
Hops PS I notice your assumption no landowning man would ever be besotted enough with you to come live on YOUR mountain. Hmmm. Just don't pre-decide you know that, magic is always possible.... But I also see that you're moving in your own space, inner and outer, at your own pace, and that's exactly as it should be. I'm tickled for you.

[lighter]

Amber:

Why can't the Viking have his, and you have yours?  Stuff isn't as important as having connection and relationship....if that's on your list, that is, and certainly this is just my opinion. 

Maybe it's wiser to just not explore a possible connection if you set minimum criteria,and stick to it, but everyone's children are grown..... I see more room for compromise in every direction.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Hops - he's already told me as much. I just told him I was independent - ie, not looking for someone to delegate the honey-do list to.

Yes, Lighter... the connection is way more important to me than the specifics of our living arrangements. For the time being, at least. And we're NO WHERE close to needing to discuss such things anyway. We're still just two strangers talking.

[sKePTiKal]

Reader's Digest update. There is a lot going on in my head, but it's not coherent enough yet to "spew" it out.

Amy IS continuing to see the therapist. And she seems to be aware that it will take some time, before she is comfortable enough to dredge up the real burr under her saddle. Meanwhile, she's almost recertified for her EMT again and working... and there have been some changes that will keep her from being overly stressed out, and overworked.

Holly & Matt's future is still in the impasse stage. Couple that with the fact that production ends in a couple of months, and she's starting to quietly "flail". He is putting the whole decision of their continued relationship on her and she's stubborn enough to not fall for that; and try to get him to participate at a level that two adults should function on for decisions this big. But that is making her very unhappy too. She and I have talked through all the various possible outcomes... so she has to decide. She's been 7 years trying to decide - looking for fault in herself, for what she wants... bending, changing, working on the relationship... all by herself, and it's not even on Matt's radar that changes will take 2 people. She has a tendency to explode when she's that frustrated - and she's aware of it and trying to find another way through.

Friend is coming out this weekend for girls' R&R... and Holly's been "threatening" to come out for a month and other stuff has gotten in the way. Weather, cars, work... so this weekend will be a surprise for me. LOL.

Electrician is coming back Monday to put up the other light fixture, and see if the globes will fit over the new bulbs I got for the living room one. We'll talk about the next steps in getting power out to the garden barn... and I've let Ronnie know I've got that going on before I want his brother to do a few things with his big equipment.

I need to get in the garage and start shifting things where they go, so that I can sort, toss, and re-organize the last "mikey pile". I think I'm going to plant his ashes, in the woods & rocks on the cliff that I can see out my bedroom window in the mornings. Maybe I'll grow a new guy!!   

And so far, the Viking is still just talking... two strangers passing time together. And I'm still OK with that... for now. I know it's not what I "need"... ultimately. But since it's been so long since I've done the "getting to know you" dance... I need this step first. How to talk to a new guy, 101. Who knows? Maybe we'll just be friends. That wouldn't be a bad outcome.

Well, I have a lot of housework on my list today. I finally - FINALLY - scheduled myself a massage for Wed, and I'll go to the bank, pick up/drop off glasses... and shop for the weekend. PHEW, that's a lot of "big town" running around. The housework, is mostly finding the balance between layers of "decorating" vs "clutter" that feels right for me. I need to get guest rooms ready too.

I have some heavy stuff to go in the studio - one piece I can't carry even if I get help; it's going to take two strong people.

And I'm STILL trying to get a firm, clear sense... of what is "going on with me" right now. Descriptions defy me, at the moment. Maybe I'm just "on the road" to something else and what I'm noticing but can't put into words... is just the fleeting images out the car window.

[Twoapenny]

It will make sense at some point, Skep.  The pieces fall together and it starts to clear a bit.  You are such a busy bee

I'm glad Amy is engaging with the T and working at things.  That's good news.

Internet viking chat is no bad thing.  Safe, comfortable, easy, little effort required.  Could become more.  Could stay the same.  Sometimes it's nice just to get an email on those quiet days when you don't see or speak to anyone.

It sounds nice to plant Mike's ashes where you can see him easily every day xx

[Hopalong]

OHH, the Mikey pile. How beautiful. How...beautiful.
I think spring is going to help with this. I found this idea so moving.

H finding her way to the moment of knowing, the right decision when she's ready to make it. And A, having some functioning...these are good and hopeful (and oh hell don't we all wish we could observe these fragilities with the equanimity of da buddha...). Your center is safe.

And Viking, a safe practice space for Vikinggirl...that sounds good too.

I wanna girls' mountain weekend! Your moment of phew, city shopping...reminded me. Even an extravert can get tired of that city energy too. And the sweet mountain silence is so so so gorgeous.

Thanks for all these images of your life, outside and in...

(I spent hours re-connecting with church folks I'd missed after being absent a while, and wound up bundled in a warm jacket in my backyard "uphill patio" spot with my awesome gf from across the street, drinking bourbon and talking about religion, meaning o' life, men, all of it. I feel so appreciated and lucky...she's an unexpected gift who came with the neighborhood.)

xxoo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

That sounds like a fun day Hops.

[sKePTiKal]

Making the trek over the mountain... banking, shopping, picking up glasses... and a long overdue (read: self-denied) massage. Girls weekend coming up... my friend Friday night, Holly on Sat morning.

Friend needs to blow off steam, have a few drinks, talk through more changes to her life... and Holly doing about the same - altho she's more actively engaged in trying to make something happen, based on what she knows about what her inheritance is likely to be. The downside of getting her up to speed and engaged in stepping up, I guess. The upside is that at least, she's not feeling economically at Matt's mercy re: her choices in life.

We have a LOT to discuss. The timing is about right for several things to "come together" at one time but I have to kind of fine-tune her expectations somewhat. This is simply one of several big things she's chewing on right now - her job on this production ends in May, and while there are rumors of another show coming into town and their soundstage... she has also been networking with other crews - in other locations... and thinking about doing different kinds of work completely.

I'm having to put my business/legal hat back on again when I was rather more looking to get my hands dirty planting & building a few things, instead. I need to hire a couple of strong guys to work for me on an "as needed basis", I think. I'll have to be careful how I word that ad! A Freudian slip might get me the wrong kind of responses. LOL.