Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
End of the Road Farm
lighter:
We'll Amber, I'm homesick reading your post. I want to plant, and plan, and garden in the cool moist dirt too.
About your electricity and waiting....you might get a better plan with all this waiting.
I'm grateful I have a week to prepare for the building materials, turns out.
Besides rummaging through close quarters living with two other people on this job.... we're working kinks out. Had to be done, and it's less stress this way.
Boy are we working on it.
Hooo.....
Boy.
Are we.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
It's going to be a few more weeks before I can do anything in the dirt Lighter. Mother Nature has her own planning - and I can either get with her program, or sacrifice my work for no result.
The area around the garden barn is soup. The ranger looks like it's been mudwrestling. Spring is a month behind what I've experienced in the past. So be it. I still have lots of other things I can (and should) do... to get where I want to be in another 6 months.
lighter:
Well....we both have to wait to play in the mud, Amber. I so miss my yard.
And alone time.
And children.
And not being forced to manage other people's emotions. I so suck at it, am repelled by it, remain mystified by it.
Non sense is my address. I long for home.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Well I hope you get accomplished what you've set out to do Lighter, in the time you have there.
The kids moved the piece of furniture (that the entertainment center replaced) yesterday. Holly & Matt had several butting heads moments... one where he thought she was being disrespectful to me - and he called her out on it privately; but it's just our way of talking through issues. She dealing with a lot of passive-aggressiveness/control issues with him... and trying to find her way. He can't seem to just let her be her.
I see her constantly calling herself "a bad person"; because Matt's always "correcting" her (playing parent). And she's fully expecting a week of crap of deal with. Matt overheard some of our conversation while he supposedly "went for a walk". More like eavesdropping. And I'm well aware that her frustration levels are working up into one of "hurt herself" or "hurt him" modes.
I've laid out what I see her options are. And she's not choosing - just enduring more & more, thinking I guess that being this unhappy and frustrated and alone within the relationship is just something that is like the "cost" of being with "such a great guy". Her friends are also trying to tell her she doesn't deserve to be treated this way, too. He IS a great guy, but he's trying to make Holly into what she is not. I've also covered the idea that she is an intense personality, and that he has been trying to work out just how to be in the relationship with her - as well. It's not his style at all but he is trying, best he can.
Sigh. She's 40. She has to figure this out and choose all by herself. Working on herself, isn't exactly all that's needed to be heard by him... and to be able set that boundary about how much he can criticize, shape, and change her. Chances are, that's a dealbreaker for him. But she knows she can't keep living like this.
Sigh. Values are far apart here. And IMO, that's a lot of the source of the problem - but knows that the boundary issue is something she didn't understand until after she'd moved in and it's incredibly difficult to shift it back where it belongs... especially, when your partner is disengaged from you.
My own personal soap-opera, how wonderful. Not. It's always the same episode over & over.
Hopalong:
OOOF. This must be so hard to watch, Amber, and not step in.
I hope H finds her oxygen and is able to think it through so that whatever decisions she makes, she will fully own them.
Matt needs to read up on "critical parent." There's some basic great book about that dynamic, can't remember what it's called. But he might be surprised once he learns what that voice is, and actually be less interested in playing out his partnership that way.
One can hope. I do hope for you and for them, peace, happiness, and some emotional ease.
It's exhausting to be in struggle like that...reminds me of my first marriage especially. We were both critics in that one but I was the most vocal. It was my defensive offense, and we were both miserable for seven years. He avoided with alcohol and pot, and I verbalized everything pointlessly. No peace.
Peace for Hol and Matt AND for you. You have worked SO hard to create a family gathering place.
love
Hops
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