Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
End of the Road Farm
Hopalong:
That makes complete sense to me.
You've made all the suggestions and shared all the ideas that it's possible (or maybe reasonable) to share with Hols. If you keep "trying to GET her to see..." --- well, anything -- I wonder if you might exhaust yourself and eventually strain the relationship.
She's a chip off the old block. The amazing block that you are. And she really will find her way to her own decision, in her own time. What comes up for me (being a very impeachable source) is concern that if she makes any decision on the force of the wave (even a supportive wave) coming from you....do you have any sense she might waver? Just to feel as though she's not a person who needs, as an adult, to be held up by their mother so much? Or might postpone her autonomy further by getting into a brand new relationship with the same kind of man?
[NB: I'm also concerned I'm projecting all over this, so do dump out your salt shaker on my advice today. Tx. XXOO]
I'm sickened by how it must've felt to feel that wave of hostility coming from Matt. Almost as sick at heart as I felt reading that he refuses counseling and makes all their problems Hols' fault.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope spring seduces you into the things that renew you.
love,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
One thing she's not Hops, is dependent on me; LOL - hasn't been since she was about 16. And she finds ways to talk to/see her friends too. Some of which are more my age... and experienced folks. I've finally met the closer circle of friends. Impressive crew.
Ever since we first worked through the crap her Dad dumped on her (and there was Ex#2's participation in that too)... our tried & true method is mostly just giving her the space to feel her own feelings, say them out loud... hear herself... and then if I think she's missed something - or has a misleading perception, I say so. She takes that in, goes away and chews on it, and THEN decides. By herself.
Yeah, I catch myself seeing the parallels between some of her thought processes and yours sometimes. Up until Matt, she NEVER would've tolerated this kind of treatment. She's doing a lot of sorting out; trying to get to why she's putting up with it now. She hasn't been this self-unsure... since she was a teenager. Her self-respect has always been pretty healthy.
Thinking there might be a bit of pre-menopause starting. Hormones flipping out.
lighter:
Lordy....hostility toward you, Amber.
I don't see that relationship getting better, I'm afraid. Holy will have to survive, and Matt seems determined to stomp her Hol Ness into the ground.....at some point that arrangement implodes, ime.
If he's hostile to you it might mean Hol shares information or opinions you have that aren't highlighting her as the identified problem in the relationship.
That he's openly hostile, at all much less to women he's supposed to love, doesn't bode well for working things out, but neither does his world view..... he's perfectly fine, everything is someone else's fault, he has zero responsibility in it.
The pouty shut down blaming Hol for every sounds exhausting. Not productive.
I'm hoping Hol finds clarity around this situation soon. Until then, what's going right in your life, Amber?
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
LOL... going RIGHT? You're kidding, aren't you?
The weather has me pretty well socked in and not "doing" much of anything. Too cold, too wet, too windy (like yesterday) or too "white". I'm expecting 3-6 in of snow again over the weekend. The lovely little herb plants I bought need to go outside soon. And I don't dare right now. They're too tender and I'll have freezing temps for another two weeks (at least) yet.
Projects are kinda at a stand-still. Don't know what happened to electrician; I'll call today and let him know the lights for the barn are here. Weather is likely the holdup there.
I did have a lovely chat with the local forestry and wildlife guys on Monday. Have most of the paperwork done to get signed up in the forestry stewardship program. There's a tax break involved and even reimbursement for paying the consulting forester to develop a management plan. I'll probably schedule the consultant for the end of the month; it'll be easier to get into the back 40 then. Not sure if I'm going to sign up to create bird habitat or not. DNR is concerned about the "cerulean warbler" population in our area. I think what I plan on doing with the trees will automatically create the kind of habitat they (and turkeys) like. I'm not enthralled with the idea of having regular visits to inventory population numbers.
I'm "flailing" a little bit... spinning my wheels... reprioritizing back & forth... and not quite sure what I feel is the most important thing "to do" just yet. Guess I'll go back and look at the journal from the end of last year... and see what seemed important then.
lighter:
I'm sorry you're flailing, (((Amber.)))
I'm flailing a bit too.
Lighter
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