Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
news about my D
Hopalong:
Thanks, Tupp.
Without health insurance (or barely any income), medications, tests (she needs more) and visits to endocrinologist and other specialists are impossible to pay for. She's been desperately in debt for years and on food stamps and is just plain poor.
I don't know what's going to happen to her. My donation today was a bandaid on a geyser.
But I can't help unless she allows me to. Even then, my ability is limited. I would work longer and do anything I could to help her get health insurance, but I don't know what's possible in her state, and I can't get it for her if she won't communicate with me.
The only thing I can do is continue to let her walk the path she chooses to walk, much as I wish I could walk it for her. I am crushed and she is scared. (She said so in her funding statement...at the hospital when she explained she has no funds, they told her, "You need to ask for help." So she did, online.)
This is no way to live with a serious illness, and sometimes I hate my country. In the UK and Ireland, lifesaving Addison's medications are provided for free. Here, you can beg a pharmaceutical company for a discount, if you're lucky. People have died waiting for them.
:(
Hops
lighter:
(((Hops)))
I'm praying your DD can let you back into her life. I'm praying she gets Obamacare, her drugs, and a positive shift in perspective about a great many things.
Reading about your day with b was comforting. Yesterday was a cornucopia of insanity.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on April 01, 2018, 03:24:57 AM ---Thanks, Tupp.
Without health insurance (or barely any income), medications, tests (she needs more) and visits to endocrinologist and other specialists are impossible to pay for. She's been desperately in debt for years and on food stamps and is just plain poor.
I don't know what's going to happen to her. My donation today was a bandaid on a geyser.
But I can't help unless she allows me to. Even then, my ability is limited. I would work longer and do anything I could to help her get health insurance, but I don't know what's possible in her state, and I can't get it for her if she won't communicate with me.
The only thing I can do is continue to let her walk the path she chooses to walk, much as I wish I could walk it for her. I am crushed and she is scared. (She said so in her funding statement...at the hospital when she explained she has no funds, they told her, "You need to ask for help." So she did, online.)
This is no way to live with a serious illness, and sometimes I hate my country. In the UK and Ireland, lifesaving Addison's medications are provided for free. Here, you can beg a pharmaceutical company for a discount, if you're lucky. People have died waiting for them.
:(
Hops
--- End quote ---
I hope she sees it as the support that it is, Hops. Emotional support alone is such a tonic; we all know that. Ironically, the NHS here is being privatised and there are weekly stories in the press about people being refused meds and surgeries that they need because it's no longer funded. People think it's a great idea; they're convinced that private services will be much better. Which of course they will be - if you can afford them. I honestly think the only reason so many people think private healthcare in this country is a good idea is because they've never had to pay for it and they've no idea just how tough (and expensive) it is.
I hope she's looking after herself as best she can, Hops, and she is lucky to have you, even if she doesn't know it xx
Hopalong:
I need help with figuring this one out, guys. It's such a minefield, swamp, something.
My D is genuinely at risk due to no health insurance. Her old HS friend, a girl who was very loyal to D, started a GoFundMe for her. It's at $2000. She needs to see an endocrinologist and get medications. I donated earlier, but a small amount. The goal limit was just raised because she needs tests. I know her need is real.
But I'm struggling over what to do. I could just do more, out of my emergency fund. And work more hours. And it's her health. But I don't like being manipulated to help her, over the internet. I wrote in my note: I love you D. Please contact me when you can. And then the limit was raised. It's weird but I feel as though she's trying to communicate with me over an anonymous internet fundraiser. And I worry that it's a slippery slope. I also know her need is real. She is still in desperate straits.
I feel torn because I hate the thought of her suffering but the way she has used me before and the way she has played victim (victim with "no family") on the internet has troubled me a lot. She once said online that she'd been "on her own since age 19". When she had lived with me, when my mother paid half her rent for her to finish college, when I supported her and bailed her out financially over and over. I just resented it.
But how can you resent helping a child who is ill? Your only child? The guilt is coming back. I don't know how to deal.
I have also had two recent thoughts I do not like. B doesn't ask and doesn't seem to want to hear about her. Yet he could help her if he wanted to. Should I send him her GoFundMe link? Is that more of the same behavior I accuse her of? Likewise, the old Ngent I work for. He's sitting on millions, obsessed with the tax deductions he'll get for his donations to hundreds of nonprofits. I am tempted to ask him if he'd like to donate to her medical fund. Yet is that more grifter behavior?
These painful thoughts about money and love are really really really bothering me. I don't want to be that person.
Yet I'm truly worried about my D.
I want to "force" her to acknowledge I exist. Yet I also dread it. There has been sorrow but peace.
Am I horrible? I feel horrible. I know I don't know the right ethical answers.
Maybe another small donation? Maybe I should donate $500 and let it go? But she's ILL.
Help.
love,
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on April 08, 2018, 08:23:55 AM ---I need help with figuring this one out, guys. It's such a minefield, swamp, something.
My D is genuinely at risk due to no health insurance. Her old HS friend, a girl who was very loyal to D, started a GoFundMe for her. It's at $2000. She needs to see an endocrinologist and get medications. I donated earlier, but a small amount. The goal limit was just raised because she needs tests. I know her need is real.
But I'm struggling over what to do. I could just do more, out of my emergency fund. And work more hours. And it's her health. But I don't like being manipulated to help her, over the internet. I wrote in my note: I love you D. Please contact me when you can. And then the limit was raised. It's weird but I feel as though she's trying to communicate with me over an anonymous internet fundraiser. And I worry that it's a slippery slope. I also know her need is real. She is still in desperate straits.
I feel torn because I hate the thought of her suffering but the way she has used me before and the way she has played victim (victim with "no family") on the internet has troubled me a lot. She once said online that she'd been "on her own since age 19". When she had lived with me, when my mother paid half her rent for her to finish college, when I supported her and bailed her out financially over and over. I just resented it.
But how can you resent helping a child who is ill? Your only child? The guilt is coming back. I don't know how to deal.
I have also had two recent thoughts I do not like. B doesn't ask and doesn't seem to want to hear about her. Yet he could help her if he wanted to. Should I send him her GoFundMe link? Is that more of the same behavior I accuse her of? Likewise, the old Ngent I work for. He's sitting on millions, obsessed with the tax deductions he'll get for his donations to hundreds of nonprofits. I am tempted to ask him if he'd like to donate to her medical fund. Yet is that more grifter behavior?
These painful thoughts about money and love are really really really bothering me. I don't want to be that person.
Yet I'm truly worried about my D.
I want to "force" her to acknowledge I exist. Yet I also dread it. There has been sorrow but peace.
Am I horrible? I feel horrible. I know I don't know the right ethical answers.
Maybe another small donation? Maybe I should donate $500 and let it go? But she's ILL.
Help.
love,
Hops
--- End quote ---
You're not horrible, Hops, far from it. It's a heartbreaking situation for you to be in. No easy way to deal with it. My thoughts - and I might sound blunt but don't mean to, I'm trying to keep things simple as it is such a difficult situation - are these:
I don't think you should ask B or your old gent for donations. I think your situation with B is already complex enough without adding money to the mix. I think him making a donation at your request might make you feel you owe him, or might make him feel you owe him. I think it would add difficulty to what already seems to be a quite complex relationship, at times. I also wonder how you would feel if he said no. Equally with your old gent - if it happened to come up in conversation and he offered that would be slightly different but I think to ask him could create a problem within your employer/employee relationship - I think money can cause all sorts of problems in all sorts of relationships and I think it's important that you keep what you need and what your D needs separate.
Having said all of that, I would be happy to make a donation if you wanted to send me the link to her GoFund Me page. I can do it anonymously and it wouldn't be a fortune but every little bit helps xx
I don't think you should work more hours or dip into your emergency fund. Your own situation is precarious and you're still working at a stage in life when many have stopped. With the greatest of respect, you don't know when you may need healthcare and/or other care or how much it would cost. You know from seeing your clients you work for what it can be like. None of us can be certain it won't happen, however well we look after ourselves. So I think you need to keep your emergency fund locked up and I think you already work more hours than you ought to be so I don't think you should take on more.
I don't know what happened with you and your D and how it all came to a head, but from the way you've always been on here I find it hard to believe that you did something heinous enough to warrant the way that she treats you. I think the least she could have done when you donated was to get in touch to say thanks, and/or let you know what was going on. It's heartbreaking to know your child is going without; I've been there with my son and it shatters your soul. But equally I think your D is an adult and she knows if she reached out you would be supportive. She's chosen not to, for whatever reason, and I think that means you need to avoid putting yourself in a difficult situation by trying to help her. I think if there are any charities or organisations that might be able to help her out then maybe you could send her their contact details. And I think if you are able to make small donations every now and again then that would be good. But I don't think you should leave yourself without emergency funds or create a situation where you wear yourself out with work.
I think the guilt will always be there - I think guilt comes with parenting! And I know it doesn't help when people tell you not to feel guilty, because it's one of those emotions that is just there and it doesn't listen to logic. But I honestly don't feel that you have anything at all to feel guilty about. I don't think you resent helping her, I think your inner logic is warning you that the situation isn't healthy for you and you need to tread carefully.
I'm sorry that the situation isn't better than this and that there isn't an easy answer xx
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