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Stepping Out

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Hopalong:
So I had a date for a glass of wine with a fella.

Nice fella. Sees himself as a "bad boy" but long talk showed it to be shame from ADD, which I could surely relate to. His was so bad he didn't make it in college.

But he was a compulsive flirt, kept telling the waitress what beautiful eyes she had, how she is a "good woman" and he loved her necklaces...and kept repeatedly making overtures. At one point she and eye exchanged a glance that said, "He's really over the top, huh..."

We enjoyed talking and he was attractive. But I tuned out when he oh-so-cleverly said, So what's the rule about how many dates before sex? I'm thinking...five. So I said, "Five sounds good to me too. Five months." He looked amazed.

I am just SO turned off by men who bring it up, bring it up, bring it up...too soon, too overtly, too obviously, too obliviously...so even though I realized he was a decent person and interesting, I wrote him after that "we're not a match."

It's weird. I was completely round-heeled in my youth and don't have any moralistic feelings about whether people do the horizontal mambo right away or later...but maybe I'm reverting somehow to an older code.

He was just so FUNCTIONAL about it, that I recoiled. I'd like a sexy man who also has dignity and restraint. And honestly, I think asking basically, how soon can we boink? is not attractive.

Have I become a snob?

Sigh,
Hops

lighter:
Hops.... I think there has GOT to be some chemistry to consider sex.  If there's no chemistry we're forced to pick ourselves apart Wondering why, why why isn't it feeling like a good idea.

I think it's lack of chemistry.  Don't analyze too much.  Look forward to finding chemistry.... you'll know it when you do.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Meh. I think it's the programming of society these days - everyone sleeping with "hook ups". Kinda like the casual sex of the 70s. Except we had actually spent SOME time letting the attraction grow back then. LOL. God knows, I still have "cravings" of that sort... but like you, sex for sex's sake just doesn't interest me. Looking for some companionship & intimacy... and we can save the sex for "dessert". If you're at least observant of the forms of "romance" (which doesn't have any one fixed definition).

Sounds like he's the type (I'm stereotyping) that measures his esteem by notches on his belt - and the overt flirting is one sign of that type.

Twoapenny:
Wow, Hopsie, not a snob at all!  For me, a bloke immediately bringing up sex means he'll shag anyone (do you say shag in the States?  It's a common term over here :).  And that's the bit that puts me off.  I want a guy who wants a woman with a brain and a personality, the sort of guy that needs intelligence and depth in a woman to find her sexy and want to sleep with her.  I want someone who's a bit picky, because I want to be picked, chosen, selected, not bedded because I'll do for now.  I want someone for whom sex is an important part of the relationship alongside the long lengthy chats and the belly laughs and the sharing of secrets and that real emotional closeness you get when you're with someone who is on your wavelength.  I want those things to be as important, if not more important, than the sex, to him as well as to me.  I think it can be very different when you're younger, for all sorts of reasons.  So no, nothing snobbish about you, or weird or odd or prudish.  You value yourself and you have high standards - only good things in my opinion :) xx

Hopalong:
Thanks, guys!

I wasn't offended strongly....it was just, poor guy, is this what you're reduced to? He had a mix of entitlement (wealthy family) and shame (poor academic performance, a divorce he regretted, living in cottage on wealthy sister's property due to personal poverty). Sort of old-school family stuff, and an almost Gothic-Suthrun psyche you find in some people in some places, some of the time.

I recognized it. Met a lot of sad boys with loads of privilege when I was young here. Felt badly for him because he hasn't healed the shame. Idolized his father, but his own brain was totally wired differently so he could never ever measure up...and off to the races. And even though he knows he has (medical, not his fault) bipolar and ADD (odd, huh)...I could see him feeling shame about not being A Success. So much pressure, being raised to meet a golden myth.

Hmmm. I think this is part of why I date. It's the STORIES. I love life stories.

xxoo
Hops

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