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Stepping Out

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lighter:
Hops, whatever you write, I'm always engaged, and a bit envious of how beautifully you write.  Our resident poet.  Amazing, and so bright.

What I noticed while reading about this man is....you're more interesting to read about.  I realize you were responding to us, but I noticed I miss hearing about you.  What you're doing today, are you writing again?  Planning one square foot if believed fresh vegetables in the garden?  Is pooch happy warm weather is here, finally to stay?

Are you?

And....is there another stepping out planned?

(((Hops)))

I realized this morning, I don't hug you enough.

Light

Ales2:
Funny you mention this at this time. Earlier this week, I was thinking about things that trigger me to react badly in dating relationships.  That reminded me of a couple date with a promising guy. I'll cut to the chase and make my point.

The chase - After about 3 dates, he suggested that I cook him dinner at my place on a Monday night and he stay over.  Stay over as in have sex.  (He worked for a 4 star hotel, doing on-site IT Weds-Sunday and has Monday/Tuesday off).   Anyway, I was offended and basically told him we are "not a match" just like you did.  I told him, that's not the way it works. Its not something you plan, it just happens or is doesn't. When guys ask too soon, its like opening the oven on souffle, if its not fully cooked, it lets the heat out quickly.

My point - I did get triggered. I KNEW THE ANSWER to this problem, but didn't access and verbalize it at that time.  We are supposed to slow them down to a rate where we are comfortable, we trust them, we are interested in the prospect etc.  There are short answers that we can say that make our expectations clear things like:

*sleepovers are for weekends
*sleepovers are for girlfriends
*for me, sex is part of a relationship, not dating
*five dates, five months - good one Hops!
*Write your own explanation here.

I find these very helpful to have sorted out my boundaries and explanations before I go on dates. Younger people rush into sex because of hormones and lack of experience with dating, Older people (I mean 50 plus)  rush into sex mostly because they don't have that 6months to a year, its more like, lets get physical, make this work out or move on. I kind of get where he is coming from.

I don't think its a deal breaker, but if slowing him down to your speed is a problem, then yes, you are correct its not a match.

Sorry it didn't work out Hops. Sending best wishes for better luck next time!

Ales2:
Part of this not getting triggered and being able to be expressive (I don't like the word assertive here) and negotiate a win/win relationship starts with the old Stephen Covey adage, "seek first to understand then to be understood"  (Habit 5 in the 7 Habits). It does work in relationships very well.

The second part of the triggers is how we deal with them explains our unconscious coping mechanism and gives us insight into growing into a better place.  I'm know I am an avoidant/dismissive non-trusting type. I'm like you Hops in that I listen, observe, notice and mentally record the issues (like you did with B and then with this guy) that are presented to us. We seek to be aware and assign meanings to that awareness. Some of that is good, we stay safe in some ways, (I don't date jerks, I see them for who they are and move on) but  it becomes a chronic problem when we lose hope in relationships and go long periods without dating or without a relationship that is a problem that needs to be addressed. That is equally unhealthy. I know I have done this to myself and if I truly want to heal, I will have to make this adjustment to move on.

I kept mulling over the "I can't trust anyone, too many people have evil, untrustworthy shadows" in my journal for several weeks after Valentines Day. After about a month of thought and writing on this subject I was watching a Tv pastor who just wrote a book on Trusting God. I am not a big believer in turning your life over to a higher power, but after more contemplation, I had come to the conclusion that I can trust myself to make decisions to handle unnecessary conflicts.  Then I found this video. Its says alot and I don't agree with Dr. Phil on a lot of things, watch with an open mind.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pE4SHvKdr30

On one level, I think we all suffer (meaning people here on the Board) from being over-cautious because of what we've been through. The way out of that is learning to trust ourselves that we are knowledgeable, healed, we are stronger and we are ready. Relationships, even the good ones can be messy, so its not going to be foolproof. But, I know I don't want to miss out. I can only do what I can do and be content with that.

good luck to you Hops!

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