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Mindfulness

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lighter:
Nope.  No insurance, which is one reason I'd freak out if the cottage got scraped off the island. 

Anyhoo, today I was thinking about the high cost of judging others, and myself, vs observing with compassion.

I try to see things with compassion, and to not judge, but then I find myself judging, and it's almost always without kindness.

That strikes a chord with me, and it's always a downward spiral.  Always. Guilt. Feeling like I've failed, etc.

Particularly where vulnerable children are harmed by caregivers,  or the system.  It's almost impossible to remain level, though I've done it, and managed to get there if I notice what I'm doing.

Many times I just can't get around the anger at the injustice, and I go ahead and have it. 

Parents don't win anything when they harm their own children.  Not really.   

The system re victimizing victims.... a lose lose proposition.  I haven't found a way to deal with that.  Not yet at any rate.  Sometimes I follow it through to it's logical conclusions, when I'm really seeking answers, and I find there are no good answers.  None.  That's demoralizing, but it helps me define the truth  and limitations in the situations.

Everyone is doing their best, and the system doesn't know who to believe.  The system is limited, and flawed, and overwhelmed, and honestly jaded and bitter in many cases bc of inherent limitations in the system, and with court officers who aren't educated about PDs.  Humans are flawed beings, and they're reacting to their own histories. 

And so, I notice I breathe in deeply here, and all my chemicals are released in a stomach flipping rush I avoided up to this point.... biology hijack.  And I was focused on being calm when it happened.  It's an automatic response, and I want to change that.

I always always feel less than, and diminished and small when I give in to the anger.   It's just not very helpful, and doesn't get me anything I really want.

The anger is warranted and fair in most cases, IMO, so that's the puzzle. 

Detachment is the answer.  Shifting into observation mode is the answer.

To not getting upset, and lashing out emotionally.

It's not the answer to the harm, and damage.

Again... the stomach flipping chemical dump... 2 big jets of it.... after I'd calmed myself down. 

And breathing again.

I just don't want to judge anymore.  I need to observe, and do it automatically.  I'm going to really focus on that for a while.  I'm going to tap on it first.

Lighter

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