First, let me say, I miss all of you so much. I think about you much more than I post, because I work some unbelievable hours and have little tome to do anything.
That being said, I am so happy this board is still here and at least I know where to find you, because sometimes you just want to go where everybody knows your name.....
I have been reading all morning and seeing the beautiful support among all the members here. Especially the gentle ass-kicking from HOPS, and I feel at home here.
So to get to my real issue....I have recently figured out how I can pay for medical school to be a real doctor (not a paramedic) like I was going to be before my fiance died, before I got pregnant, before I married my husband.
20 years ago I was on my way to med school. I had the grades, the life experience, and the means to pay for it. You wouldn't have known me back then. I was strong, brilliant, driven, and unstoppable. I had a 152 IQ. I had worked hard to become the kind of person I wanted to be.
I've shared problems with my marriage on here before. The short version is, what kind of man marries the daughter of an NM? The broken kind. I have realized that I have been hiding my own light under a basket, so to speak, for 18 years, because my HUSBAND needed me to be weak, so he could feel strong. He is no better than my mother in that respect: he is big, strong, caring husband when it suits him, and a nasty asshole when he wants to be left alone (much like a skunk spraying scent, he will splatter derision on me when my emotional needs invade his "space".)
Holy fuck, did I just say that?
So now we all can see my trouble. I want to go back to school. I am going to school. Along the road I will be finding, collecting, and reassembling all the pieces of ME that I shed, in trying to please him. I will find my authentic and true self, the one that is strong and unstoppable. The last time I tried to do this, it resulted in him having an affair with someone even more weak and pathetic than I could have been in my worst year. Last time, I stopped and smashed myself down into that mold again, trying to be the weak person he could rescue so he would feel powerful.
This time I'm not stopping.
This time I won't trade my self-respect for safety. That would make me a coward. I won't hurt myself just so he can have something to fix. I won't play small so he can feel big. I can't do it any more.
And honestly, why should I even try to do that? Why would I want to be married to someone who constantly puts me (and everyone else) down, so he can feel big? Why do I want to be married to someone who doesn't have my best interests at heart? I would be better off alone, right?
We are in a church group (Retrouvaille) that is supposed to help us. And we just started counseling together (about time). I will say this for him: he has changed quite a bit. He has come a long way and improved quite a lot. I will also give him one semi-legitimate excuse: he needs to be on anti-depressants, and we have trouble affording them.
My main issue is this: I am afraid that once I "find myself" again (such a trite expression, but very apt in this case) it will wreck our marriage. I am not convinced he will be willing to grow along with me so we can have a stable, supportive and peaceful marriage. I think the odds are about 50/50 that he will try to sabotage me/leave/have another affair/revert to being a cold and withdrawn asshole.
Its already starting, to be honest. I have already been hearing "I don't know how we will afford for you to go back to school...." (Well, asshole, you should have supported me 18 years ago, then we wouldn't have this problem now!)
I want to move down my path with grace and strength, rather than scratching and scraping for every single step forward. I want to rise above his shit, rather than let myself be pulled back down into the mire of self doubt and fear. I want to stay focused on my goals, not let my focus get yanked around to each new, petty argument and power play.
I am going to need help with this.
