Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Double Jeopardy; A; WTH is the matter with women. Q; What is Men, Alex?
sKePTiKal:
IMO, mud... your friend's suggestion is bit creepy. Like you're willing to abase yourself at the foot of this woman's pedestal for the benefit of being in her presence. (It's too easy to be kicked in that position.) It's clingy and needy to TRY something like that... or it can be.
But, not for everyone. Maybe you can honestly pull it off, keeping professional boundaries in place and never ever bringing up the "sore topic". Question is: is she up to that? Would you be opening yourself up for even more pain? I dunno.
I guess you need to ask yourself if you're doing yourself any favors trying to find a way to just pass the time, or stay within her attention radius, until you feel you've gotten the final decision from her... or...
if you'll just dust yourself off, go about living YOUR life... and if she rings the doorbell some day, saying she wants to try again, at that time you'll reassess how you feel and what you think about it.
mudpuppy:
Thank you Twoapenny. I'm happy to hear at least one other person thinks like I do. You should probably be worried. :lol:
--- Quote --- I think you said in an earlier post that you've set a sort of mark around October/November time to call time on the current situation if nothing's changed by then
--- End quote ---
I said I'd wait until Nov/Dec to see if she had changed her mind at all. That doesn't mean I would give up on her changing her mind later. I've never intended to try and change her mind for her; that's what got me in so much trouble after we broke up. While I already know how foolish that was, Hops and lighter have helped me understand what that looked like from her perspective.
My hope is that someday she will be able to remember the 99.9% of our relationship that was pretty much perfect and in looking at that be able to overlook the .1% that caused the problem.
--- Quote ---It might end up being one of those situations where you get together ten years down the line, who knows?
--- End quote ---
Well, she did say it took her two years of looking my way just to feel like she was ready to let me know she was interested so who knows.
--- Quote ---IMO, mud... your friend's suggestion is bit creepy.
--- End quote ---
sKePTiKal; that was kind of my reaction too at first.
But on the other hand what she wants to do would be pretty fun to make, even if we'd never been involved, but of course, we were, which is what makes it kind of creepy I guess. I've done a lot of work for this friend so I just think she saw it as an innocent, rather than calculating way to reconnect without the pressure of anything more than just doing a job for her.
I think just be myself is the best advice I've gotten. Just being myself is what attracted her to me and both of us being free of our baggage and once again able to be ourselves is what made our relationship so great. My pouty party is not me and almost never happens and now that I know where her vulnerability is I would never ever touch that nerve again.
I'll be the guy in the shade being myself and if she wants to amble over for some oats eventually I'll be happy to share some and stroke her mane. If not, oh well.
mud
lighter:
Mud:
You feel she made a mistake. You feel she should change her mind, and do what you feel is best for her. She knows this. Pretending you value her opinion, as much as you value your own, would be playing a game, IMO.
Respecting her opinions, as much as you respect your own, would be the trick, IMO.
What if she does know what's best for her in these moments?
What if she made the right choice for herself?
Can you give her the benefit of the doubt, and just trust she's done the right thing?
I don't think working with her, under the circumstances, would lead to anything good. It's difficult to keep true feelings under one's hat, and your true feelings are that she should do what you need her to do, bc it's better for her than what she's chosen for herself.
A problem, IMO.
Lighter
mudpuppy:
--- Quote ---You feel she made a mistake.
--- End quote ---
I think I stated above that I don't think either of us were ready for a relationship at the time and so a breakup was not only inevitable but that good things would come from it despite or maybe because of the pain. Out of pain comes growth and so I hope that our relationship rather than being ill conceived was just ill timed. In an ideal world we would have taken a break, talked things over and tried to work things out while we were healing rather than breaking things off completely and hurting each other.
So I think she did the right thing at the time for the wrong reasons and those wrong reasons were the reaction of her baggage to the baggage of my own that I brought to the relationship.
But I also believe in reconciliation and second chances and the power of love. I believe two people of good will and faith can look back at what happened and learn from it and try again. If she chooses not to that's her decision, but I'm not going to apologize for having hope that love is stronger than fear or our pasts.
--- Quote --- Pretending you value her opinion, as much as you value your own, would be playing a game, IMO.
--- End quote ---
I have never quite understood this concept. If I think someone else is wrong, of course I don't value their opinion as much as mine...because they're wrong. If I didn't think they were wrong, then I would agree with them and disagree with myself which is nonsensical per se. The question is not valuing the opinion of someone I consider wrong as much as I value my own. The question is do I value her right to hold a wrong opinion, and that I do, hence I am not bothering her and merely hoping and praying her opinion changes.
--- Quote ---What if she made the right choice for herself?
Can you give her the benefit of the doubt, and just trust she's done the right thing?
--- End quote ---
Doubtful. The problem is she isolates herself and goes to her safe place when faced with pressure of any kind. That's ok once in awhile but it seems to be how she is living now and in my opinion that is not a healthy way to live. Were it healthy she wouldn't have to make up reasons for why she is isolating herself from me. She herself recognizes this but still does it. her safe place is a place where she doesn't have to work out her issues but instead protects them and keeps them from ever being healed. So if I care about her and believe she is doing something that is not in her long term best interest then I'm not sure why I would trust she's done the right thing. Perfectly wonderful people do the wrong thing all the time. If I truly care then I'm not doing her any favors by pretending I think she's doing the right thing. I don't think she is. The question is what can or will I do about it. Nothing directly and so I pray and hope.
--- Quote ---I don't think working with her, under the circumstances, would lead to anything good.
--- End quote ---
You may be right about that and I am leery of the idea. It might work if I no longer had feelings for her, but I do so...
--- Quote --- It's difficult to keep true feelings under one's hat, and your true feelings are that she should do what you need her to do, bc it's better for her than what she's chosen for herself.
--- End quote ---
I believe it is absolutely better for her than what she has chosen. We were both free and ecstatically happy until our pasts and our wounds made us less so. I'm certain I feel much worse than she does because her wounds wanted her more than anything to remove herself from the possibility of being hurt again and so she felt relief and safety in leaving. But that is a temporary and unhealthy band aid to a pain that needs surgery instead. She ran away from a problem instead of facing it when she finally had someone in her life who would have loved to support her while she did so. Do I feel facing and resolving a problem so one can live the way one wants is better than being controlled by it and having it disrupt relationships and lead to an isolated life? Yes I do and I'm kinda doubtful anyone will convince me otherwise.
mud
lighter:
Mud:
People work on their problems when they're ready, IME.
Maybe she's just not ready.
Lighter
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