Writing Life

[Hopalong]

I'm really glad you do have a friend who can hear your Porngate concerns.

It is SO sensitive about our children.

Since I lost my D, recognized how out of control her mental health and her life were and how I could do absolutely nothing to control or fix it...things changed for me. That hurt and grief were SO deep that I no longer feared others' judgement [edit: after walking through that for a couple years Once I did...] I felt I knew what it was like to walk down the road bleeding, and cracking in two inside. So [after I fought through that sub-fear, of being judged] if someone else was going to project their own unawareness or lack of empathy onto me, I was not going to let that misfortune get all the way inside me. There was no room for additional pain, not a micrometer. [Was nor IS.]

It was an emotional life-or-death choice to decide I was going to heal if I could and still claim happiness when I could. And at a very deep level, after that level of pain that lasted for years, I really did FEEL that I did not deserve judgement or extra suffering. I finally was on my own side.

That has made me different about trust and expectations. I trust when I can but not absolutely. Everyone I encounter is as fallible and limited as I am. So if I was desperate for support, I learned I absolutely had to spread my need around...a T, extended church framily, VESMB (here), new faces I find in other places.

And because reality forced me to, I slowly began to get better at being my own friend.

This recent insight about feeling I do have a purpose is the result of that. My own disinterest and previous decision that I deserved the suffering had meant that I could not claim my best source of joy. Now I can. I still have all the existing obstacles (disorganization, clutter, periodic anxiety, money, etc). But I have more hope.

If my beloved D walked up my sidewalk I'd welcome her as ever (heart melting, mind very careful, involvement cautious). But I would NOT let her remove me from my writing, because that now is about my primary relationship with myself. Martyr Mother has retired.

love
Hops

[lighter]

Hear! Hear!

To being on our own side.

To acceptance of what we can, and can't, control.

Less struggle and suffering.

More focus on purpose, and joy.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I'm really glad you do have a friend who can hear your Porngate concerns.

It is SO sensitive about our children.

Since I lost my D, recognized how out of control her mental health and her life were and how I could do absolutely nothing to control or fix it...things changed for me. That hurt and grief were SO deep that I no longer feared others' judgement [edit: after walking through that for a couple years Once I did...] I felt I knew what it was like to walk down the road bleeding, and cracking in two inside. So [after I fought through that sub-fear, of being judged] if someone else was going to project their own unawareness or lack of empathy onto me, I was not going to let that misfortune get all the way inside me. There was no room for additional pain, not a micrometer. [Was nor IS.]

It was an emotional life-or-death choice to decide I was going to heal if I could and still claim happiness when I could. And at a very deep level, after that level of pain that lasted for years, I really did FEEL that I did not deserve judgement or extra suffering. I finally was on my own side.

That has made me different about trust and expectations. I trust when I can but not absolutely. Everyone I encounter is as fallible and limited as I am. So if I was desperate for support, I learned I absolutely had to spread my need around...a T, extended church framily, VESMB (here), new faces I find in other places.

And because reality forced me to, I slowly began to get better at being my own friend.

This recent insight about feeling I do have a purpose is the result of that. My own disinterest and previous decision that I deserved the suffering had meant that I could not claim my best source of joy. Now I can. I still have all the existing obstacles (disorganization, clutter, periodic anxiety, money, etc). But I have more hope.

If my beloved D walked up my sidewalk I'd welcome her as ever (heart melting, mind very careful, involvement cautious). But I would NOT let her remove me from my writing, because that now is about my primary relationship with myself. Martyr Mother has retired.

love
Hops

I'm so sorry about your D, Hops, your love for her and the pain her absence causes you comes out every time you write about her.  I hope she's able to find a way through her own problems and make her way back to you one day.  I understand what you mean by Martyr Mother, and I've wondered over the last few days if my attempts to not repeat my own mother's mistakes have pushed me too far the other way.  We can only do what we can do, can't we?  It is hard to know where the line is between being a good parent and sacrificing yourself unnecessarily.

And yes, people are fallible.  I am realising how much being tired and stressed affects my thinking, and how sensitive I am during those times to the things other people say and do.  I think for me, being alone during a tough time is better.  A lot of people reach out, and a lot of people think you should reach out, but I'm starting to think that I do better working through tough patches alone (or I suppose more specifically, reaching out here because this is the one place I know I won't get an answer that triggers me).  I find it hard to keep perspective when I'm tired or stressed and that's what you need really, that place in your mind that keeps your own sense of self relevant and can take or leave other people's words as necessary.

I'm so glad you've got in to your writing now and that it's been going so well.  You are very deserving of happiness, Hops, and I hope it comes to you in abundance xx

[Hopalong]

Thank you, Lighter. Spot on.

And Tupp, you deserve happiness too, and
have walked the most painful walk.

Whatever your "writing life" is, I am really glad
you are gradually going to make room for your soul
to breathe. And once again, you've got so much
insight into yourself and how you operate...amazing.

love
Hops

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Hi Hops,

When your book is published, please let me know so that I can read it! 

Thank you again for taking the time to read my book, 

Richard

[Hopalong]

I will if it happens, Doc G, promise.

Might take years though, in reality.

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hops:

I'm sending energy your way for whatever you feel like picking up.  Your writing, editing house, or socializing. 

It feels like we're all poised to begin new chapters. 

We're wiser than we were.  I hope to apply hard won lessons this time around. 

I will apply them.

:: Nodding::.

Light

[sKePTiKal]

Just remember... we can be smarter, kinder and wiser but life continues to happen. So each and every moment that life allows you the chance to perceive "all is right with (my) world"... grab that moment and wallow in it and wrap it around yourself before "moving on".

[lighter]

That's a true, and very helpful thought, Amber.

Thanks.

Lighter

[lighter]

Hops:

Are you snowed in? 
I hope your writing is satisfying, and what you want it to be right now.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Just for a day, and a first snowfall is always more beautiful than bothersome, in my book. But ours was easy. Thick enough for gorgeous, not enough to create much danger. Maybe it even sent the bears to bed, but I'm sure some are skipping hibernation. Hope you aren't aching too much after the blitz shoveling.

I told a friend the other day, who asked how the writing was going (in the "have you been writing?" way) that I'd made a decision to never answer "progress questions." But you're not prodding, just supporting. Truly thank you, it's just where it needs to be! (A lot of it takes place in my head long before the page.)

xo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

How's the observation that writing is your purpose sit now, Hops? Still finding it a new realm to explore? Or are you just in the zone with it and not even thinking about it? LOL...

I'll bet this endeavor bears fruit in lots of unexpected ways for you.

[Hopalong]

Nope, my epiphany that since mothering is gone, writing is my largest life purpose hasn't budged since the light shone. I am so grateful not to struggle with the question any more, and find that I am trusting the answer. It's not attached to production timetables or progress reports in any way. Just to the being bits.

It's been a recalibration of my being in some mysterious way. That said, I still work, have a living to earn, have life to live with its warts and health things and relationships. Still struggle with balancing.

But the realization greatly clarified and simplified the post-motherhood answer to the question, who am I? Why am I? Do I have something to live for larger than myself? Now, with the novel and what I'm experiencing with it (and early reactions from the workshops and reading) ... I think I do.

The nice thing about a well told story is that it outlives one. We read dead authors who are still alive on the page.

Not a dead example, but for fun I'm reading the latest novel by Le Carre, as sharp and alive as he ever was. He finished it at age 89.

love
Hops