Thank you from Bloopsy

[Anonymous]

Thank all of you ...... you have helped me to hear myself better. And I cannot run away...to paople who do not be able to hear me. I can't hear them either. I took a shower and told I love you to every part of me. Thak you guys I printed out your messages I have already lost it this makes me eant to scream but I can print them again. I don't think I want to find the truth. Can anyone relate. Peace to you allLove bloopsy.

[flower]

I don't think I want to find the truth. Can anyone relate. Peace to you allLove bloopsy.

Hi Bloopsy,

It is hard for me to emotionally face the truth of how badly my mom and dad treated me. I saw the truth very clearly at one point years ago and it was painful. I kept burying this truth.   How could this person that professes care for me, my mom and dad, hate me so much?   It is scary how they don't know how to respect me. I am an object to them. Part of me doesn't want to give up the protective emotion  that they love the real me somewhere in their heart.  It hurts  when I realize I will never have their respect and never will have empathy from them.  But I would rather hang on to the truth and hurt and heal in reality instead of having my pain bubble under the surface and break out in symptoms.  I think I am  slowly realizing the truth of my parents' disorders in my emotions and getting true emotional health. I think I shouldn't be in a hurry.

Another way I have trouble is that I got used to the role of being hurt and I think part of my identity is tied into that sick role and I resist health at times.

[Anonymous]

I think that  I resist recovery too.

[Bloopsy]

I also saw the truth a while ago, and then I ran from it. It keeps popping up, I literally ran back into my mothers arms right after coming home from an Alanon meeting where I realized that my happy childhood was an illusion - even with my mother right there, in the playground I used to have to pretend to be, and ask to be called, the name of my abuser in order to feel safe, and she complied, and said "Bridget(my  real name) has a crush on Ricky." I remember feeling very bewildered and cut off from her, and certainly very ashamed of that.
I need to separate from her and I feel like I have no roots of my own to stand on for it to be safe for me to acknowledge sthe truth.

[BlueTopaz]

I need to separate from her and I feel like I have no roots of my own to stand on for it to be safe for me to acknowledge the truth.

This is such a good point Bloopsy. I think whether it is an N parent or N romantic partner, one big part (of several) of why it can be so hard to let go of the unhealthy relationship, is that we can feel like we are not strong enough on our own, or don't even really have an identity of our own.

We can feel so fearful, alone and lost on our own, and this can keep us clinging to relationships we need to let go of, or keep us getting involved with similar unhealthy ones over & over.  

I clung to a romantic relationship with someone with N traits 3 years longer (relationship was total of 5)  than I knew 100% that I should walk away, because I was so afraid of the fear, aloneness, and lack of clear self identity I felt.   So, I just kept the magical thinking going,  rationalized and remained in denial for 3 years.

It is really hard\scary to face the fears within oneself, and I realize I was using the relationship as a distraction in looking at my own self and facing inner fears.   As miserable as I was in the relationship in the last years, it was still serving as an emotional "crutch" for me.  It felt safer emotionally for me to be where I was, than to turn to a place (i.e. leaving)  where I felt there was just about zero foundation, just like you say.

I also was convinced I loved this person more than life itself which didn't help   , but these things are complex, and there was more to it in relation to the other things I am writing about.  

But I even think that my loving this person so deeply in spite of all of the pain he caused me, may have been related to my lack of a strong or even really existent self identity/foundation, and some of my other inner fears unrelated to that person.  

Growth is painful as they say, but at least it is a fleeting pain with the potential for wonderful rewards. The pain of remaining emotionally attached to an N is a never ending life sentence, with no rewards or happiness to hope for.

I remember that as I think about new relationships, and as I still battle fears and work on my inner self.

BT

[Anonymous]

I don't think my mom is an N. I just think that she is someone who sees me as an extension of herself, always means well, and has to numb herself to anything that is painful most of the time in order to protec
t herself. And i guess that being raised that way I feel like an extension of other people, like a prop in their dramas but now my inner self/body has become so tired that it ca't. I can relate to feeling like even if the relationship hurts, it feels like it is better than being alone and compleley ignored not just half ignored. I am having strong feelings and using strong language. I do this a lot and it often prevents me from being understoos ----- I hope that is not happening. I don't have a strong adult to care for my four inner children it feels like all is lost and I feel stuck. Love, Bloopsy the grey girl

[Bloopsy]

oops that above was me but I think this computer is not doing it right.

[BlueTopaz]

Bloopsy,

I'm glad that you say you don't think your mom is an N.  That means that there is at least hope down the line, to have a better relationship with her....  

Right now it seems like you have to work through your own things, and it seems that is just what you are doing...  

I relate to how painful it is...    Doing what it takes to feel better is something I can aspire to with all my heart, yet avoid like the plague at times, too.

Things that help me, like meditation, deep instrospection (as you likely do in therapy) and very forced changes in thinking patterns are very emotionally painful things to do...   Why?  Because they tap into the deepest inner hurts and fears.  It's truly agonizing and traumatizing at times.   I don't think we really try to avoid "getting better" but to avoid the intense pain, fear, and uncertainty that can accompany the journey.  It's also very draining physically.

Those are times where it can feel most like all is lost, but they are also really times that the biggest positive transformations can be happening...

One thing I am trying so hard at, is not to give up on, or underestimate the healing journey...    It surely does take time, and a great deal of courage, strength & patience, but it will all be more than worth it....

Try to hang in & not worry about "the big picture" right now.  That can seem overwhelming.  Just try to take one day at a time, to tackle one small thing at a time...    

You will be able to do it that way...

BT

[ResilientLady]

BT, I admire the clarity of your mind... I agree w/ every single word in your above post. As I am only at the beginning of my journey, and I am still exploring different avenues, I was wondering what you meant by : "very forced changes in thinking patterns". Are these specific techniques of behavioral therapy ?
Thanks...and keep posting, your posts are so insightful
-RL

[BlueTopaz]

Hi RL,

Firstly, I wanted to thank you for your very kind comments.

I was wondering what you meant by : "very forced changes in thinking patterns". Are these specific techniques of behavioral therapy ?

Exactly.  I was talking about cognitive (& behaviorial) change, and the kinds of "tricks" or tools one can use to try to change thinking and perceptions.

There are so many, and they can be structured, as given by a therapist, or individually based, as self devised and imposed.  I have several that I feel are suited to me, that I try to use as often as I have the energy to...    

On a different note, I read your "heavy emptiness" message and I truly feel for you.  I know that sinking, stinging feeling of emptiness and inner aloneness very well.  

Taking some time (you mentioned 3 months) of no contact might give you more clarity as to how you want a relationship to be between yourself & your dad, in terms of something that would feel okay to you. Maybe there is a way where you will be more distant but still can have at least some kind of a relationship.  A sort with time, distance, emotional intimacy boundaries/buffers present so that interaction with him does not leave you feeling bad.  Or you might decide completely otherwise...  

Maybe it is really about thinking on what true value having a relationship with him holds for you, outside of all reasons related to fears (i.e. of aloneness, etc.)...

I know it's very difficult to have to shift expectations and hopes about a long standing relationship, or even about having certain people in your life, period.  

Hugs...

BT

[ResilientLady]

Hi BT, thank you for understanding what I felt (and still feel)... I think as you said that the "goal" is to  be

more distant but still can have at least some kind of a relationship

. But I still have too strong feelings to be able to say sthg that makes sense.
Another good point that you said was :

Maybe it is really about thinking on what true value having a relationship with him holds for you, outside of all reasons related to fears (i.e. of aloneness, etc.)...

I will try to keep this on my mind and think abuot it, b/c I feel it is a good way of seing the problem..
I will tell you more about this when I am more "myself" (hopefully) soon.
Thanks again for your insight  
-RL

[Anonymous]

Blue Topaz,
Thank you for your kind words and wisdom. It is so good to feel such a warm understanding presence.
You are right I need to tackle the little things and work on not giving up, too . And also I need to learn the good kind of healling pain from the other past pain and not just try to avoid all pain at all times. My therapist says having your feelings means having good feelings too. I think that those are scary to me too because I don't have a sense of balance yet or something. So it's like I feel married to my pain, like it is the only thing that I can trust because it has always been there.
Love,
Bloopsy