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2019 Farm Life

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sKePTiKal:
Tupp, I don't care a whit for how other people gauge "living well" - I have my own definition. Not saying there's a thing wrong with their yardstick, as long as they don't judge mine. LOL. Different things matter to me, on my yardstick.

Question about your comment on a switch flipping, Tupp:

I wonder if you're forcing yourself to "suffer" or pay the price to something/someone ahead of "just doing"? As if you KNOW, you're going to pay for it anyway, one way or another? Based on past experience? I certainly felt that, at different times in my life. Like my wish to have things done, didn't matter as much, as all the plethora of things - big and little - that I could be doing instead (that someone ELSE thought was important).

As far as diving back into the past goes, I've pretty much stopped doing that. For me, I have already delved it; gained some "treasure" - enough to be able to free my mind from obsessively seeking "uncontrovertable evidence"; I've already gotten the insight/evidence that was there - and while the old habit lingers on, I spend less time "looking back" now and more time choosing (actively) in the present and planning for the future. I do still do it; and sometimes Hol will point out that I'm still trying to justify present choice/action on past experience - which is a self-limitation.

I can't tell you how valuable it is, to have someone who's done this kind of work around to get feedback from. Like this board. It's too easy to get lost in our own labyrinths of thought-ruts... where we simply relive the same old neural paths over & over. An outside opinion - even if it's wrong - can help SOOOO much in changing those thought-ruts to a smooth road that actually goes somewhere.

sKePTiKal:
Been "making hay while the sun shines" around here, and this weekend the weather is cool & wet. Have a flock of plants lined up to go in soon. Kitchen beds are done except for stabilizing the taller stacks of blocks - and I planted two kinds of garlic and one of onions.

BIG milestone, since that project got delayed a year and I was a bit tentative about dealing with the bobcat to move topsoil up that hill. Most of the grass has been mowed at least once, so far. The big garden field needs mowed again - and then I'll be dragging the disc through areas for beds (for next year).

Holly's got 6 big pots with peonies coming up; I've got an old-fashioned lilac, echinecea, and a replacement oregano for one that didn't make it through last year's monsoon and the winter. Hol has started splitting wood, from the big pile of trees we cut last year.

I found a place over the mountain that recycles electronics. I can FINALLY purge that pile of gizmos and gadgets that Mike couldn't let go of, and that I kept thinking they might be useful ("someday"). Right now - I just don't want it all.

House guest helped me get some new shelves up and in place in the garage under the studio. I can finally finish the purge out there, too... and it appears I'm going to have the floor space to do the kinds of building/woodworking I want. Bought some new sewing tools; my favorite pair of shorts for the max of summer, are apparently no longer made. So, I'm disassembling them to make a pattern and make my own. Hol made 3 prairie sun bonnets in an afternoon for friends, who saw the one she'd made for herself and wanted one.

Knuckles is home with me so much, he's starting to be more my dog than hers. LOL. He is listening way better than he was as a result. Now I need to teach him how to behave when we're working with equipment or driving around. He can go with her to Steve's once they get a fence up; too close to the road for comfort with the dogs, even though Beebs is already smart enough not to get out on the road and doesn't chase cars. When he's working, I have both dogs to feed, potty and keep busy. Beebs is a lot more low-energy than Knuckles, and he puts the pup in his place enough that he just rolls his eyes at me to save him from hyper-dog. LOL.

Hol is definitely slacking on getting her stuff clear of Matt's house (one more load) and staying on top of the house situation. But, he's not making it easy either. She is trying to teach herself the "standards" for designing a floor plan and got stuck on stairways. I explained that her sketch would be clear enough to the guys that if for instance, the stairs were too short for the rise... they'd let her know and solve the visual problem - which is keeping the stairs off an exterior wall but not interrupting the open floor plan, upstairs.

I'll ask her to let me look at it this evening. I'll bet she could a downstairs closet or shelves under the steps... and that would support the steps. My steps are all open to the catwalk and two bedrooms, and while she likes that airyness... her brain isn't seeing support in her floorplan, yet.

Ricky's been working on widening and smoothing the road to the Hut location; adding very needed drainage. In the process, he's moved or unearthed some very interesting large rocks that I might ask him to relocate for me, before he's all done. The bobcat won't be able to lift 'em. They're THAT big.

It's been a lovely long spring here. We're still wearing sweaters some days and are able to do the hard work without breaking a sweat. Compost bins are about ready to go up too. Then it's on to building a big woodshed; Steve's offered to help with that but Hol said my job is to decide on the location, design, get the materials here... and guess who is still dithering about that? LOL.

Twoapenny:
Wow, Skep, you never stop!  So much going on and it all sounds so good and constructive.  Great that you've found a way to recycle those gadgets - I hate to throw stuff like that in the bin but sometimes it's hard to find somewhere else to put it.

I missed your question in the post before; I do think there's an element of me working through the 'bad' situation in case it happens.  I notice it a lot whenever anything comes up from the local authority - any kind of problem and my brain starts working through different scenarios before I've even finished reading it.  I do feel like I need to be on the defensive around people, in general.  Some of it is childhood stuff - whatever I did or said was criticised in some way.  I went down the perfectionist route, sister went down the 'I don't give a crap' route and makes no effort at anything.  So it's partly that, partly wanting to fit in, I think, and then because of all the child protection stuff there's constant efforts in my brain to defend myself and son from unwanted attention or questions.  But I'm working on it!  Lol xx

sKePTiKal:
Yesterday was not such a good day. I felt fuzzy-headed, probably for multiple reasons - one being an inconsolable dog who started waking me at 2 am. Some kind of skin irritation and he'd been in the cat box again.

So, knowing I needed to venture out to the grocery... hopped in the car with no other agenda except making up the day as I went along. Just as I'm getting to the highway & mailbox, I notice a truck trying to pull in. Good neighbor that I am, I started backing up - uphill, around the curve to the wide spot at Gladys' drive. It's hard to see out of the Cherokee's back window; they aren't low enough so I was halfway turned around in the seat.

When I saw a UPS truck (wrong time of day for them; I look for them on the road) coming down hill. I went to slam on the brakes and got the gas instead. Could've been the angle I was turned, or that with this new obstacle - my brain momentarily shorted out. So I slammed the back end into the front end of the UPS truck. Everyone's fine - my ego is wounded; this crap doesn't happen to me normally. UPS driver is worried for his job; they are that strict about accidents - despite the challenges that section of my road poses.

The whole window shattered and of course the hatch and bumper are smashed, but I could drive it home to call the towing company to take it over the mountain to the dealer. Talked to a sweet lady in my local insurance office while we waited around. Got home, called the dealer to let them know the jeep is coming and I wanted an estimate to fix it. I saved dealing with the insurance company until this morning because I didn't think I was ready to jump into the red tape game. As fuzzy as I was when I left... it was worse after.

Holly got the Rubicon running and brought it down from the barn - so I have something to drive. And it needs driven. My poor baby has been relegated to a museum piece practically. So he needs cleaned up and gone over mechanically too; a tune up. While the dealer gives me the news on the Cherokee.

I've been bouncing between feeling like I have no business even thinking I can manage on my own in a place like this - and letting the Viking out to play. Mad at myself, because how many times have I been incredulous that anyone could mistake the gas & brake. I'm pretty sure being halfway out of my seat, turned around to back up had a lot to do with it. As for how fast the UPS truck was going - it wouldn't matter on that curve. So, flustered me did exactly the wrong thing. It happens.

The Rubicon is an old friend of my inner Viking. He has style, substance and attitude. I can use a lot more of that in my days now, than worrying over whether I'm becoming a helpless old woman. Besides - the silly ostentatious Cherokee was the very first automatic transmission I ever owned. I'm WAY more comfortable (and happy) in a stick-shift. After 6 years, I still find myself trying to shift the Cherokee some days. If the estimate is high, I'll still get it fixed, regardless of what insurance will cover. And I'll call the generator guy who said twice, and gave me his number, he wants to buy it.

I've been talking about trading it in for a couple years now. It just didn't seem that urgent with everything else I'm doing, building, planting, and working on.

lighter:
So sorry about the accident, Amber.  The knock to your inner confidence is hard, I know.  Just keep piecing together what you'll handle yourself, and what you need help with on the farm.  Asking for help isn't a bad thing. It's a necessary thing, and sometimes, for some of us, it's the hardest thing to do, IME.

OK..... thank goodness no one was hurt.  Every time I get stuck in traffic, I go back to....
"I hope no one's hurt up ahead."  That's what's really important in all the slow down, and waiting, and fear of an accident.  Things happen all the time, and this time it was your turn.  You're human.... have compassion for your kind, good, competent self, forgive this bobble, and keep moving.  So much to do.  So much to discover.  So many projects, and you need your whole brain.  Getting bogged down in self doubt, and judgement.... not so helpful, IME.

Breath, and rest up. 

Your inner Viking will recover soon enough.  This is a bobble.

Lighter

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