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2019 Farm Life

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Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on June 19, 2019, 08:39:49 AM ---S'OK Tupp... the initial flurry of joy at a real connection with someone is starting to pass a bit. He lives 100s of miles from me, so we can't see each other much - and yes, I'm pretty busy at the moment. I think I'm getting myself back under control (as much as is normal anyway) again.

There are many more things that go into a relationship, and time is one that can't be ignored. Since this is going to be "long distance" for at least a year (and perhaps never happen) we'll see what develops. I think I just didn't realize how starved I was for male face to face attention and interaction. So I went a bit "whirly" there for awhile. He's handled that gracefully so far... and in the process returned a bit of my self to me, again. Something that's been missing for years now.

The universe is being good to me right now, but it also requires I "take care of business" and not just spend my days totally googly-eyed and ungrounded. I have a lot of things on that list ya know. And now, even Hol is writing lists for me to start crossing things off... since I've been distracted. Today she finds out if we have 8 months or 7 months to get her house built... and accomplish the big things on that list. So I MIGHT get scarce around here just due to being busy. But I have a feeling I'll still have time for some updates and there is gonna be a lot more emotional processing to talk out.

--- End quote ---

I think a little bit of attention or fun or flirting or whatever it might be often makes us realise we like it without being aware we've not been getting it, if that makes sense?  It's just nice to have something that isn't work, isn't it, whatever form that work might take?  But even a long distance/talk on the phone/email buddy can be a nice thing to have going on in the background.  I find that at some point I need to rest and that's when I really wish I had someone to talk to or cuddle up with.  I think being a bit googly eyed sounds like fun for a bit of the time :)  Lol.  And Hol's new place as well, and baby :)  So much going on, wow, yes, I can see the need for emotional processing will be there!  But hopefully you'll be emotionally processing mostly good stuff :) xx

Hopalong:
(((((((((((((Amber))))))))))))))

I hope he's not the married doctor guy...and regardless, it does feel happy to think of you happy!!

Alas, I can't join you at the moment in the newly-partnered kinda queue, because it's all up in the air.

But whether it's HIM in occasional 2-D,3-D or someone local, I do hope you find a real person who's really free and available to you in real time and in a real place.

My LTR, years ago, with an unavailable married man I fell head over heels for despite knowing I shouldn't (and loathing myself years later for the approximately ONE hour of physical rulebreaking)...wound up consuming me, by email and sometimes phone for YEARS before I finally worked out that with my own commitment fears, unavailable was part of the attraction. And all that passion was more my overdrive imagination ignited by very small bits of actual time and sharing into a pretty obsessive flame.

It was a huge emotional affair that ultimately left me so preoccupied with him (and our next contact) that I couldn't have found someone local anyway. In hindsight, I wish I'd run a mile before I let myself go there. (He was my boss, we were working together on the other side of the country. No excuses, though.)

Still. YOU happy makes me happy. Just a cautionary tale.

Hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Nope; not him Hops. Not EVEN with the legendary 10 ft pole in hand. Horrors... the thought gives me the vapors... (and Holly would never speak to me again either)

This guy suits me to a T, even the fact that he has his own life to deal with before truly being free to make decisions about being together. That gives us a set, but finite amount of time to see how it goes... to not get in over our heads... and yet not crowd each other or make things stressful.

He is NOT conventional, mind you. He might scare some of you all. But he doesn't bother me in the least bit. Been around guys like that all my life. Enjoy them immensely - WHEN they have the character underneath it all, and the wisdom and sensitivity, to not overwhelm people needlessly because of it. He likes being dirty, sweaty, and working from sunup to sundown at something that's needed and appreciated. And I like my role in all of that - because he will teach me and let me help and explain things. His injuries don't let him bend over & pick much up - I can be useful that way to him.

But this was a bit of reconnaissance for both of us; see if there was really an interest that we thought was lurking... and now we get to go slow for a bit. However, I have been assured he can be here in 6 hrs by motorcycle if I really need him. I've explained that Hol, Steve & I are adequate to hold the fort at least that long... LOL. And ya know what? the roads work both ways - now I have two vehicles that are in tip top condition to actually entertain the idea of a trip.

Hopalong:
Oh now I'm turning cartwheels for you!
Very slow geriatric and entirely mental cartwheels!

Happy dances that don't require getting off the couch!
Fist pump in the air just now..THAT really happened.

And this...is really happening for you!
Over
the
moon.

Do provide mountain man description, asap...

Hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
LOL.... understand Hops, there is a LOT of romanticized creative license in the description. Still. He was injured in combat in the 90's; he and about 20 other guys with similar injuries got some bionic treatment... and he's one of the last of that group still standing above the dirt. He describes himself as dented, not broken... and jokes about rappelling out of hospital windows to escape the clueless nurses and horrible food.

He's the same age as Mike, about my height and not quite as gray/white as I am. The beard is impressive; long & luxurious; SOFT. Long hair, thinning on top, with a couple beaded braids. Lots of laugh lines and crinkles around grey eyes that twinkle telling stories on himself or talking about his daughter. He's Appalachian, like me... with a good sized helping of native, too. He's more of an "old gods" believer too. Rough, callused hands that are usually dirty, given the equipment he works on - and he works on all kinds of things. He still likes to go fast on motorcycles; faster than I'd dare and I quit riding because I liked speed too much.

He's like a powerful arrow released at large foot pounds of pressure from a taut bow - point him in the direction of a task and don't get in his way. You can help of course, and ask questions... he'll gladly explain something while taking a break. His hands are steady and patient while dealing with small engine parts and squeezing things between hoses, wires... all the tight places at awkward angles. It doesn't matter the task - he's on it and got it done before you can (or I can) process that it's really happening. He can't stand sitting still or being immobilized.

He's wise in the woods ways; having spent the first part of his life in the mountains... but he's also travelled to far away places and seen/done other things too. There isn't any topic of conversation that he doesn't chime in with the sensitive voice of experience - especially the kinds of things, he and I have in common at the core: trauma and what it takes to manage/live with the residual stuff and not be an evil person. He likes music and making things... which was part of the reason for the trip.

Long time ago he was showing off to the guys online some of the knives he makes from old car and truck steel. I was fully in my "post-modern pirate" phase then, and asked him if he'd make me a short sword. We discussed blade design... and shortly thereafter his bionic medical devices started going south on him. (This was maybe 6-7 years ago.) So, I shut up about the sword... dealt with Mike going downhill in a hurry; he spent a solid two years going in/out of surgery for a few different things and when he could post or we could talk on the phone or text... I had his back through all of that. But I was also just one part of the crew of loyal friends supporting him. He's been through some scary stuff. I was going through my own scary stuff - and he was there for me without trespassing any boundaries that would complicate things or make me more stressed out and conflicted. Patience of a hunter.

So, after recovering from the last batch of lab-rat lunacy... he mentioned he was looking for something specific, but kind of uncommon. I PM'd him that of course I still had one, due to Mike's 'collecting' obsession. When he took the bait, and asked what I wanted for it - I told him all I wanted was the sword he'd promised he'd make me. Then, the trip up was postponed for about 3 more months for medical crap again... until both my jeeps came up with some technical problems. All this time, we're irregularly in contact and chatting about our separate lives.

He loaded his own tools in the back of his apprentice's pickup and brought what he had. The sword wasn't with him. He'd been out on the Redbud reservation for a traditional buffalo hunt some years ago, and came back with some bone for knife handles. He was using jawbone for the sword. It goes through some alchemical process to harden it... and the handle broke twice in shipping or processing. So it's out for a third time and he's waiting on it. He also made a baldric to hold it; strap goes over the shoulder to keep the sword close to the body. What he delivered... was a really nice handmade & polished from recycled steel, throwing tomahawk and the wickedest fixed blade knife in the heaviest leather belt sheath I've ever seen that impressed Hol too. He'd stamped the sheath with my horoscope birth sign.

I asked him how he knew that - because I rarely mention my birthday, and he just smiled that steathy grin and said, "I pay attention to things".

Lest you think I make "easy prey"... and just blindly fall for the "wow... this is the first guy to pay attention to me" trap... I've had a year to think about this without it being muddied with the old emotional attachment to Mike. And we still hadn't met face to face. Buck is one of the 3 big brothers that chivalrously and wisely and gallantly got me through all of that mess. The doc, given what he revealed about himself awhile ago... doesn't even know about this development. He's gotten overly-parental of me. The other one is my "second brain" - happily married, medically retired, and still raising adopted twins that they rescued from a violent, ugly situation overseas. We will always be friends, because he also shares the link to strange things via trauma. He knows, is happy for us, respects Buck from knowing him online too.

So, my life is shifting from the time/space to just deal with me (and Hol was afraid I was getting too comfortable in that zone) to one of complicated logistics due to the fact that Hol, and now Steve are basically living here until the Holly Hut is complete... with a little wolf pup on the way - LOL. It's a race to see if they can get her place livable by the time she delivers. This solves one of my fears about getting feeble out here all alone; they'll be at the bottom of the hill behind my house. Steve is also a woodsman and naturalist and has some skills in common with Buck. Steve was working most of the weekend when they were here. That kept testosterone levels managable for Hol & me.

There is no rush, no pressure... but the desire for Buck and me to spend more time together. We have our own individual logistics to sort out before we can even add the possibility of an "our" logistics. And I'm just fine with that arrangement. He is able to explain to me how to do; is constantly offering to help or fix something... and I have to remind him, doing the work around here is all part of my "longevity workout program".

I expected him to be tall, dark and handsome in a "Sir Lancelot" kind of way. I think he used to be. Now he kinda reminds me of a druid, or one of the old Vikings still looking for their passport to Valhalla. And I intensely reminded him, that Shield Maidens are a force in their own right - even though we are also, "all female". I haven't even scared him off with going through one of my weird "knowings" and subsequent panic attacks. He and I use the same techniques to get through them.

There is always a little "space" between us... even as the doors to being emotionally intimate with each other get blown off their hinges. LOL. We both respect that space... and it's magic for making things work out. I KNOW I can trust him. And he knows I'm not going anywhere either - even when I had to pull back for awhile because I was mixing up feelings I was still dealing with, over Mike with my developing feelings for him, I was still around supporting him and letting him know I cared. There is a female friend in common between he and I, on the forum we share. I confided in her, about why I backed off. So he probably knows. She's good; wouldn't just blab... but also make things clear to him.

I'm just taking one thing one day at a time, as they come up. He's been alone awhile too... and doing the same. But now we touch base with each other, morning & evening. And that much is comfortable and cozy; non-scary.

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