Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2019 Farm Life
sKePTiKal:
Fun can be exhausting, especially when it wakes up energies and feelings one hasn't had in a good long time. He said he'd call last night. No call; I figured he was as tired as I was and has gotten his best sleep in a long while. I didn't bug him, but I sure THOUGHT about doing it. Then he posted something in our forum this morning, that was in "code" for me. Very smart guy... LOL.
So, he's busy and I'm busy and I have to watch my old habit patterns... and give him room to run. I can put this energy to good use elsewhere for awhile.
Just before the visit, remember I'd mentioned something difficult I was dealing with again? Of course, the only unresolved thing out there in my life is the Amy situation, but it's NOT MY JOB to resolve it and I made that abundantly clear. People don't really like that, but tough shit.
So, anyway... he called me with an update on the trip and while I hadn't said anything to him about it, he was asking what was wrong? I noticed it; and wondered how he'd picked up on that... but I guess I should've seen it as more significant a "clue" than that. Emotional conversation and thinking... in the language of emotions. That's going to be new for me to get used to, since right now only Hol and I can do that.
So, for now... it's just a flurry of fun stuff and feelings... and real life is setting back in for both of us. Now we'll see if I really can do this; letting him go - and feeling sure he'll be back when he can, or want me to visit him. He left me notes among other things, since they left early in the morning and I hadn't had enough coffee to be functional yet. Feet have SORTA been feeling the ground again... LOL.
I guess I was of the opinion (mistakenly) that I didn't need that kind of attention - or could do without it. Apparently that part of myself is proving the opinion WRONG. LOL. But we've had years of getting to know each other, and becoming intimate intellectually, emotionally. And he never, ever made a move in my direction until he could observe that I was past the grieving over Mike.
Thoughts are chaoticly caught up in the whirlwind... so it's probably a good idea to just watch them and let them fly off too. I've got some serious work to engage in, both mental work and pulling weeds, and finishing up the garage organization and purge. Weather is rainy all week - off/on - and it's a good time for me to "take care of business", support Steve & Holly & what she's calling the Pupa, and see if I can be grounded at the same time I'm floating. (Don't expect much, do I???)
lighter:
Nope, not asking much, Amber. Not much at all
What did you say when he asked you what was wrong?
Good for you, enforcing boundaries.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Oh, I just told him Lighter. He knows about her already. I've known this guy online for at least 6 years. He's one of the "big brothers" that got me through Mike. The one I could call at ANY time and he was there. And he KNEW what I was going through and needed.
I'm not difficult really. Just in my own head. Still unravelling that; and reclaiming the me I used to be - ALMOST as fearless as Hol. (Not quite... admitted. She & I are still very different in subtle ways.)
Twoapenny:
Hang on, hang on, hang on - I've missed so much!! There is a baby on the way and man possibilities for Skep??!! As well as house building, rock moving and mad dog antics?! Can this woman fit any more into her life?! Lol, this all sounds very exciting, Skep, do you feel excited? Or cautiously optimistic? If you and Hops are paired up the rest of us are going to need to get our skates on and catch up! Lol xx
sKePTiKal:
S'OK Tupp... the initial flurry of joy at a real connection with someone is starting to pass a bit. He lives 100s of miles from me, so we can't see each other much - and yes, I'm pretty busy at the moment. I think I'm getting myself back under control (as much as is normal anyway) again.
There are many more things that go into a relationship, and time is one that can't be ignored. Since this is going to be "long distance" for at least a year (and perhaps never happen) we'll see what develops. I think I just didn't realize how starved I was for male face to face attention and interaction. So I went a bit "whirly" there for awhile. He's handled that gracefully so far... and in the process returned a bit of my self to me, again. Something that's been missing for years now.
The universe is being good to me right now, but it also requires I "take care of business" and not just spend my days totally googly-eyed and ungrounded. I have a lot of things on that list ya know. And now, even Hol is writing lists for me to start crossing things off... since I've been distracted. Today she finds out if we have 8 months or 7 months to get her house built... and accomplish the big things on that list. So I MIGHT get scarce around here just due to being busy. But I have a feeling I'll still have time for some updates and there is gonna be a lot more emotional processing to talk out.
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