2019 Farm Life

[lighter]

Amber:

This last post of yours brings up such sweet sadness for me.  You have so much going on.  I recognize that kind of activity.... energy..... hope, and it's overwhelming to contemplate.  So many balls in the air.  Like a 3 ring circus, dividing your attention between your children/kid's reaction to ex, your farm, your business, your new fella with his health issues.  It doesn't make me dizzy to read, but I notice I occassionally close my eyes before reading on.  Particularly after reading about Hol waking up angry, and her visiting her sister and father.  You don't post about the ex much.  I'm surprised every time you do.  You're navigating/distancing that chaos masterfully, IMO.  You aren't letting the things, you can't control, control you.  You seem to have mastered that skill.  At least you seem to have. 

You're leaning into the joy, Amber.   
And you're painting!
  Again. 

That makes me smile, and I'm so happy for you. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Oh, (((Amber))). Yes, this is a lot.
I think the earliest stages of new Real Love are actually the scariest. The transition from the reliable but heavy turtle shell we've taught ourselves to drag around because there's just no choice:
Not ready to heart share
Nobody right and ready around to heart share
The one we did heart share with dies
Health, isolation or family crisis leave no time to heart share....

And then we DO?
He might die too.

This is the daunting part. I feel I've just come through it, heading up on six months. And finally nearing what you're talking about--yup, we're mortal, bad something inevitably comes, and meanwhile, this is today and I choose to love anyway. Accept the mysterious gift of happiness and allow my carapace to carry a permanent crack. A big one.

What's lovely is despite kitchen marauders etc, you are in a place where solitude and support are both possible. I hope the balance gets sorted out so that it's comfort mostly, with only some stress.

Sending much light your way, and Buck's.

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Amber:

When the stress of sharing space, kitchen clutter, and food creeps in.....
slow down, take a good look at where you are, and who you're with.  This phase, you're passing through, will be over in the blink of an eye.  Once it's gone, you'll find yourself wishing for one more day.   To SEE Hol there again.  To BE there, and say something, or do something you missed. 

So pay attention to everything.  Not just the negative.  It takes energy to dismiss the negative, and seek out the positive, IME. 

Yesterday I was enjoying my home, and it hit me, as it always does.... this is going to end.   I won't BE here, this way, with these people much longer.  A new phase will begin.  It's SO familiar,  and it helps me take care of what's really important NOW, IMO. 

I've had that feeling before every big change in my life, and change always comes. 

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I'm hanging on for the ride. Make the most of whatever time we're given.

Buck was in surgery about 6 hrs last night, then I stayed up to keep him long distance company; most of the night. We avoided a close call with me stirring up a hornet's nest because he'd been heavily medicated for 3 days and only allowed to eat sproradically since the surgery wasn't scheduled; more of a standby situation. I think I was still trying to type a text when my "off switch" kicked in last night.

I'd used up even all the reserve energy I had. Complications today; AGAIN. And now I'm waiting to see how that turns out. I'm the world's worst at waiting, except maybe for Buck. I'm just glad they didn't release him this morning. (They have a nasty habit of doing so, just hours after surgery.) He's always had secondary issues pop up; some times they self correct, some times they need attention/intervention.

And I had to deal with my own issues - echoes of the past getting applied to present are simply NOT relevant, IMO. But whatever this is costing me, is most definitely worth it. Even if there's no future in it. (I might be a little crazy about him.)

[sKePTiKal]

For someone who claims not to be good with words or talking about his feelings, he's done an amazingly good job of explaining himself to me. I keep reminding myself, that the connection has germinated for years, it didn't just miraculously sprout when he got out of the truck. He has motivation to put up with the suffering of this surgery and a purpose which it will serve, that just didn't exist for him and he didn't expect it to. It's a welcome surprise for him too.

Now, it's more important than ever that the Holly Hut start moving forward and get completed asap.

So, from having the property all to myself and mio-mio... all of sudden I find myself surrounded by people with their own routines, schedules, interests and in Steve's case a need for a fence for his birds, two dogs and possibly two more cats soon. And of course the revolving door of weekend guests.

Long range farm plans are expanding too. I'm hoping that I don't freak out and have a control freak attack. I can get overwhelmed sometimes when big things change this fast, even if I do usually surf it pretty good.

Yes, I've already pulled a relationship horoscope for us, which has a decided psychological perspective. The pitfalls might have been more of an issue when we were both younger. But the positives are going to actually help us manage those, along with plain old living experience. Dang service is pretty accurate at picking through to my actual fears and even my observations and perceptions about the chemistry. Lots of validation of the things I've been noticing - I'm not just imagining it, if this stuff is to be believed.

[Hopalong]

What I believe is how you're feeling, and that sounds wonderful!

You have good instincts, hon. You chose Mike who loved you well, despite warts. And I'll bet your instinct is telling you Buck is your man for this chapter and you can trust it.

I hope you'll not FREAK about the need to control how much change, action, guest traffic and acceleration you can handle on the farm. But just make some calm assertive statements about how much you are ready to have happen right now, and which parts need to wait a while. You don't even need a chapter and verse justification...this is your farm.

Hang in there and respect your innards. Hear their needs before sirens go off. You're going to be fine but you're going through some big change yourself, with suffering attached.

That's a lot.

love,
Hops

[lighter]

Buck.

::.

He sounds like a Viking Cowboy, Amber.

Buck: )

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

More Viking than Cowboy, Lighter - but that's still apt. He's a handful that's for sure. But I've got more patience and understanding than in years past. I think he still doesn't believe me, when I say "Go do, but hurry back" - like I don't mean that or something.

Hops, at least this isn't POINTLESS suffering, the kind we've put ourselves through sometimes, while untangling our personal puzzles. It's just the normal stuff that comes along with daring to love and take the risks. Calculated risks, coldly assessed - but with passion. For me, those kinds of decisions don't take much time at all. Silly horoscope kept repeating words like "betwitched" and "enchanted". LOL. Which is why I spent more time chewing on the potential pitfalls and where they might be located. (Could be totally wrong, but then it's not a prediction of what WILL happen; only that circumstances are favorable... depending on each of us as individuals and what kinds of work we've done.)

He had a bit of a crisis yesterday and the misery was evident. He was so apologetic and checking to see if I was disgusted, so I reminded him I learned a lot of practical nursing skills not so long ago and when I say I'm willing to share everything I mean everything. The hardest thing for me, is not being there and not being able to do anything to help; not even hold his hair back. But I was who he called at 2 and 3 am when the crisis moved on to something more like a panic attack, too. As inhumane as it would be to not provide painkillers for surgery, the opposite can be just as bad to endure if you're the patient and the dose is too high or something with an unpredictable neurological effect. THAT I knew how to deal with.

A confused and frightened man with the proper prior training and experience can be exceedingly dangerous. Especially for those trying to care for him, without being aware of that about him. One of his nurses is a former marine; she's done right by him this whole stay. That helps a lot. I think after yesterday, he's turned the recovery corner and he'll start improving daily now. At least I'm telling myself that. And him. (Fingers crossed)

[lighter]

I'm crossing fingers and toes for Buck's recovery, Amber.

I don't understand the illness, or the history and "danger" part, but I know he's lucky you're in his life. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

What Lighter said, word for word.

love
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks ladies. It's an injury received years ago, when he volunteered for a combat mission. Spine; similar to what Ronnie's gone thru.

Fingers still crossed, he's steadily improved and it will still be 2 weeks before the incisions heal, assuming he doesn't spring new leaks. Getting released some time today. Now to convince him not to overdo it too soon. Everyone else, who's right around him, will have the same mindset too.

If he's lucky, this will be the last time for surgery with these devices that a)stimulate his nerves and keeps him mobile without a wheelchair and b) provides a mask from the pain involved. Hopefully the infection is permanently kicked or at least managable now. Ft. Bragg is handling that part.

When you're stuck in a hospital bed (and finally cognizant) there's not much to do but think. And talk.
Even if neither one of us types that well on phones. We've covered an awful lot of ground in the past 7 days. And this is so serious - not just entertainment - that I had a lot of old Mikey stuff come up to deal with. None of it is relevant here, but the fact I hadn't finished with it. Thought I had years yet to do the last bits. Surprise. LOL... so I made short work of that, but THOROUGH work, considering that Buck is a walking bionic man and will forever more require more medical attention than average. He has over 4,000 pages of medical history.

I had to let Mike take whatever anger & frustration & bitterness I still have for the things he left behind for me to deal with... (not so much material items, but artifacts of our relationship) and take back; reclaim my love to give elsewhere. And let Mike go completely. It's been 4 years; longer if we count the time he withdrew from me. And during that time, when things got to be too much for me or threatened to go completely crazy, Buck was there. Carefully navigating the minefields of being supportive of me, without assuming anything. Years. So I returned that favor this week. The minefields I'm used to, aren't any less dangerous than the ones he knows.

We're square now. We can just walk away knowing we each did the other a good deed. But that's not at all what is going to happen. He has plenty to deal with himself, and prior commitments to finish up. And I don't get to plan anything all by myself anymore. And I don't have to fantasize either. So, whole new journey. Still taking it one step at a time.

Who knew I was getting this good at jumping off cliffs? LOL, I know someone's waiting to catch me maybe that's the difference.

[lighter]

Buck was there for you, and now you're there for him.  That's a very touching connection, Amber.  You get to know someone, in a different way, in those moments, IME.

You sound level,  brave, and ready for what comes next, IMO. 

::sending Buck patience, and healing pink light::.

I'm guessing his military training, and experiences will carry him through the frustration of waiting, and healing.  I'm also guessing he'll have PT in place pretty quick.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

You don't take on the easy stuff, do you, ((((((Amber)))))).

This is a painful road with a joy and meaning stripe down the middle.

I truly admire you for offering this man love, loyalty and support at a time when his suffering must be stratospheric. He is, in this way anyway, extremely fortunate.

I'm just so very sorry for his pain.
And have faith that you'll continue to take care of you, along with the loving.

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Wow, Skep, every time I take my eyes off the threads for a day or two I come back and you've got a million things going on again.  I really hope Buck's recovery goes well.  A 4,000 page medical history sounds eye watering.  He is very lucky to have such a strong Amazon by his side through this. xx

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Tupp, he definitely knows that... and now that the worst is over, we've both kinda hit that quietly COMFORTABLE peaceful zone. I'm finding out some subtle things about him - the kind from observation; not stuff he says.

He's self-aware and introspective. He is concerned how he impacts others and adjusts accordingly. He is very observant, paying attention, thinking and thoughtful, under that resilient, independent, testosterone-fueled HOO-RA shell. Wise and kind papa-bear; but not to crossed lightly. He also has places that have been very carefully placed into locked trunks in the dark corners of his mind, so that he could keep on living a life. His big group of friends knows he's the first to offer help and they're loyal above & beyond. He likes keeping it simple.

When echoes of the past came up to haunt/taunt me after he made it through the ugliest part of the post-op recovery, I finally cried. And he said just the right thing at just the right time. Without denying me the needed release.

Still going very slowly and carefully - but you all know me better than anyone except maybe Hol. I'm pretty taken with this guy and sense that I can trust him. Enough so, that I can let myself fall and know he'll catch me.

Meanwhile, life is rockin' on here. I have first draft of new estate plan (covering the resignation of my discernment re: the Amy situation and adapting to no Mike reality) and Hol and I meet with contractor for Holly Hut Thursday to go over floor plan and cost estimate; likely talk about contract too. New lawyer is an absolute delight. 180 degrees different than my corp lawyer - he's funny; our brains work the same and he moves fast; I can keep up but reserve the right to second-guess things - he understands; he's also a tax lawyer and seemingly a very nice person. He's a gem and I'm keepin' him.

I'm trying to completely finish up some things that were started at various times, Hol is trying not to add anything new, and taking stock of things. I've started shopping for new clothes, especially pretties. Been awhile, since I could think of myself that way. Changing hair style again too; growing it out. And I'm playing... will wonders never cease?