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2019 Farm Life

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Hopalong:
Just suffused gratitude, not for specific behavior, but for you being you, for being open, for loving him, for being in his life. How beautiful and deserved.

Oh I hope so too, that you two will have a beautiful chapter together with peace from pain. SO hope so.

Calling on the universe, deliver comfort please pronto to Mr. B.

Yes about the heat. Should "feel like" well into the hundreds today. Don't wanna do anything. M wanted to sprint over to the U. for a special exhibit. But with parking, we'd be trundling around in this heat. Not interested.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Well, these are all just stumbling blocks in the post-op recovery. Looks like the docs are just trying to stabilize his symptoms and let time do it's thing. He does sound a lot less miserable and more like his cantankerous and mischevious self. We're sorting out all the emotional stuff I've got hanging around still... from Mike's passing. He's a captive audience, and I have a way to type out the stuff in my head for him... so he knows and he knows he doesn't have to respond. Just listen. He knows now, I can separate past & present but I can't help seeing patterns that can freak me out. It's WORK, and it's my work.

Meanwhile, Hol couldn't wait one more day, till the temps drop off to normal to get started clearing brush on the Hut site. I don't know how long they'll last - but since we have former house guest trading us 2 days of his work for reasonable pay the first of the week - I've got to go collect the supplies to feed the troops today. I'll get more diesel for the bobcat too. Hol said she could drive it, so I gave the OK. It's just too hot for me. I was halfway ill yesterday from the heat. I'll be helping with the bobcat when it cools off. Rick came & looked at the next bit of work we need to cross off the list, and he'll want the bobcat too because I have a big auger. So its all happening as fast as humanly possible - while all the new relationship is going on, too. Hol and I had to take a day off from each other yesterday. I had enough in my head that I was processing as fast as I could... that I didn't have any room for hers or her ideas or want-tos.

She ran into the living room, dancing around a bit, and then threw me a Klondike bar - like feeding the lions at the zoo. LOL.... silly kid. But it does help.

Much as I like the south and it's culture and traditions... the heat just makes it impossible for me to live there. I do much better with below zero temps and 4 ft of snow. I can suffer through a few days of extreme heat - but 3 weeks is a bit much; and it's takes a toll. I don't even sleep well.

Next week will be different all the way around.

sKePTiKal:
"Interesting" week around here - as in the Chinese curse type of interesting.

Good = Holly Hut work has started. She, Steve, the backhoe buddy and the bobcat are making short work of clearing enough trees to build. He's handling the perk test and application for septic permit; well company is on vacation till Tuesday next week, then we'll deal with that. Hol will stake out boundaries of the foundation and chances are backhoe guy will excavate for septic. Power company came out and gave me a formula to realize that running poles and lines down there, will be as expensive as high-end solar-propane-generator system estimate... with the added negative that they would need to clear another road basically parallel to the existing road of trees. That would hurt all of us, I think. They need 15-30 ft of space, clear, to protect power lines. She and Steve have found most of a path, up and down the cliff at the back of the house that can be developed for a shortcut between both places.

Buck and I are giving each other more space; he's healing up pretty good this go-round just taking longer than he wants. One way or another, we'll be seeing each other soon. Road goes both ways. It's proving to be an interesting process this long-distance situation.

Obviously, we aren't in constant contact. Both of us have lots of things to do in our separate lives. It's easy to feel like there really isn't an "us" yet... like he's dropped off the airwaves; sometimes that's because he's really incommunicado without communication stuff. But that's GOOD, in the long run. So we say good morning and check in on each other's day at night. In between there can be communication (solo) regarding thoughts on specific topics depending on the day's schedule. I have more free time than he does. And we can get in depth, sharing on certain topics. Other times, I can feel him as close as if he were right behind me.

So the connection, I *think*, was the first thing established and has evolved the most so far. Only now are we getting into the normal "getting to know you" stuff: just how many kids do you HAVE? Talking about past lives & experiences... where we are now. He is about the same age Mike was, so very close to my age. But while I was graduating high school and escaping the clutches of my FOO only to find myself going from frying pan to fire...

He was having his first experience of combat. It came up, because he had a nightmare (he claims he doesn't sleep deep enough to dream, because of not wanting the nightmares to happen) about his first "must survive" fight. And what he learned about himself as a result. So we both have our different PTSD experiences which the "us" will have to live with. He was able to tell me the story; calmly; no embellishment. I actively listened; compassionately witnessed. And that's all that was needed. I didn't freak out over it and intuited a lot about the situation. We go away; and then come back and talk about it some more. I think he's a bit bowled over that I'm not fleeing in terror, judging him, and that I really do know some of what dealing with it all about.

But it did cause me to pause and take a serious look at my capability. I know my limits somewhat; definitely know my triggers (and those got tripped in a big way over the weekend again; thanks Amy) so the process of dealing with those things was close to the surface for me too. And except for that one day of trauma that involved the physical fight and rape, my triggering experiences are very different than his. There shouldn't be any overlap or confusion due to our own crap.

But we both know that it's our job to fix our own crap. He has help; as do I. And we keep working on it. But I do understand; and I don't see him negatively because of this "baggage" he's still dealing with. He's just as human as I am. And he's just as kind, considerate, empathetic and caring as someone might be who hasn't been through what he has. Given the crap I've been through and picking my way carefully through that mess to what I describe as "mostly healthy" I can least encourage him that it's not a life sentence. I do realize it never completely goes away - or Amy & the boys wouldn't trigger all that for me in the first place. But I can deal with it when it comes up and contain it enough to still function.

Hopalong:
Utterly impressive, Amber.
This is one very mature (life mature, as in seasoned with wisdom) getting-to-know-you process you and B are in.

I like the way you describe it, approach it, respect it, and accept it.

Really.

Maybe someone with your history is the person who can relate to someone with his, and vice versa. It sure sounds like it. And you kept your head engaged and your triggers on safety.

Bravo, you!

Hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Hahaha! Here's something ironic.

Just as I'm kicking the last of the social shoulds to the curb, and the white picket fence limitations... he's very old fashioned in his ideas about relationships. Eyes open for possessiveness cues in the future, but I don't think there will be any. He's already heard several of the stories of scorched earth I left behind with some relationships. As for me, I've had to let him go do - guy stuff - so many times already, that pattern is already established. The enmeshment issue isn't going to be a big one with this guy. And one of the things he respects about me is my ability to defend myself and deal with my own crap.

Yet the level of romance stuff and real connection - the simple way he sees and explains things - has got me sinking into comfort and immense gratitude that I could be this lucky - again. He validated my intuition and recollection of small things that were clues to understanding that he's been keeping an eye on me for quite some time; knowing when he needed to tell me he was there... and keeping his distance when I had things under control. I know things about him that he hasn't exactly told me yet. This feeling isn't giddy - it's like sinking your toes into that lovely moss lighter grows and laughing at how it tickles sometimes. It's restful.

There is some big astrological stuff coming up in January - and the movements that direction have already started. I don't pay a LOT of attention to astrology - but neither do I ignore the serious student's work. I'm beginning to understand that some of the changes - including new relationships - that seem to be trending right now, are part of that change. One of the widows on my other forum, has also repartnered recently. It's like we're finding those good matches now, in preparation for getting through what this planetary chart is going to generate months from now. Deepening some relationships and letting others go is definitely part of that.

My general anxiety levels are fading away - even in the face of the my normal disruptions/crises and now dealing with Buck's. I suppose it's possible that those years alone I finally connected and established some trust with; confidence in, my deeper intuitive/emotional side - which came up in the middle of Mike's and my relationship and he never was comfortable with - so now, there isn't anything lurking in the dark corners of my past which is going to show up and crash the party. I've connected reactions and patterns of behavior/thought with the things I'm still working on... and they're known. I can talk about those without experiencing shame. It'll take longer for the anger to completely subside, I know... but it's going down too.

Now if I could just snap my fingers and have all the weeds pulled in my garden beds -- LOL.

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