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2019 Farm Life

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sKePTiKal:
Slight clarification - because of this year's worth of time and individual responsibilities - he isn't going to ALLOW enmeshment/co-dependent stuff to get a foothold. It's because he has things he MUST do. I am seeing warning signs in myself; and it's due to lack of understanding/experience of where the line should be, between being involved with someone and enmeshing. Good chance for me, to work on that some more. Patterns and habits.

The other thing that dawned on me, is that I'm used to being in the lead on decision-making. Makes me a terrible dance partner, unless I learn to let go and RELAX, stop struggling, and trust his lead. The last thing I want is another power struggle like Mike and I went through. This is not the same as giving up autonomy.

Communication is still a weak point for me. Instead of realizing exactly what I want or need, and asking for it, I get invested in the emotional side of that and then beat around the bush, dropping hints & clues, and striking a match of resentment when my mind isn't being read. (See: enmeshment)

So he's working on fixing his medical issues and unentangling himself or finishing up his responsibilities on his side of this year. And I think I just listed my major tasks.

sKePTiKal:
Stop Struggling, is precisely the right mantra right now. For me.

I have spent most of my life since the Twiggy days, being over-responsible, over-compensating, with a chip on my shoulder about proving that I was indeed better than "good enough"... in an attempt to be worthy of love. Yeah, that worked out well. Some took advantage of me and I resented it; other times I threw myself away in desperation. Until some switch would flip in my head and I'd pull up the big girl pants and pull on the boots and walk away without looking back.

Clearly, that habit pattern bumps up against Buck's competency and effectiveness at taking care of himself. He is very independent and good at it. It's not a struggle for him; that's who he is. That old need to be needed thing again; riding to the rescue. Sigh..... it's totally not necessary here. It's also awkward and gets in my way. Now that I've gotten the worst of the Mikey crap out of my spaces... it's time to also clean the cobwebs and old patterns out of my head and reactions and tendencies.

So, stop struggling also refers to being able to accept that all is well; I am safe; I'm not going to get lost in this relationship or bulldozed... and I don't have to work so damn hard to be "worthy". I really can trust him; he's wise, experienced, and he cares - a LOT. There is an open door to the opportunity to fully step into "me" sans roles and expectations and STILL be accepted and appreciated. And this is outside my comfort zone of always having to do everything in a relationship. Brand new experience for me. Unfamiliar and awkward. But it sure feels pretty nice when I stop analyzing it with my super-fine microscope. Like getting home, after being away for a long time.

Today I'm going to put on a new dress and go to town; pick up my new glasses... run a couple more leisurely errands and get back this afternoon in time to put in a few more hours on the work shirt I'm making him. It's going to be too big; already know that - he's lost a lot of weight through the surgeries.

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on August 01, 2019, 09:04:33 AM ---Stop Struggling, is precisely the right mantra right now. For me.

I have spent most of my life since the Twiggy days, being over-responsible, over-compensating, with a chip on my shoulder about proving that I was indeed better than "good enough"... in an attempt to be worthy of love. Yeah, that worked out well. Some took advantage of me and I resented it; other times I threw myself away in desperation. Until some switch would flip in my head and I'd pull up the big girl pants and pull on the boots and walk away without looking back.

Clearly, that habit pattern bumps up against Buck's competency and effectiveness at taking care of himself. He is very independent and good at it. It's not a struggle for him; that's who he is. That old need to be needed thing again; riding to the rescue. Sigh..... it's totally not necessary here. It's also awkward and gets in my way. Now that I've gotten the worst of the Mikey crap out of my spaces... it's time to also clean the cobwebs and old patterns out of my head and reactions and tendencies.

So, stop struggling also refers to being able to accept that all is well; I am safe; I'm not going to get lost in this relationship or bulldozed... and I don't have to work so damn hard to be "worthy". I really can trust him; he's wise, experienced, and he cares - a LOT. There is an open door to the opportunity to fully step into "me" sans roles and expectations and STILL be accepted and appreciated. And this is outside my comfort zone of always having to do everything in a relationship. Brand new experience for me. Unfamiliar and awkward. But it sure feels pretty nice when I stop analyzing it with my super-fine microscope. Like getting home, after being away for a long time.

Today I'm going to put on a new dress and go to town; pick up my new glasses... run a couple more leisurely errands and get back this afternoon in time to put in a few more hours on the work shirt I'm making him. It's going to be too big; already know that - he's lost a lot of weight through the surgeries.

--- End quote ---

Skep, getting dressed up for a trip into town sounds lovely, and making Buck a work shirt just sounds so sweet :)

I always think it's strange that we struggle when we meet people who don't need us to be messed up?  So many years for you of over reaching and over compensating - it would be nice if when we met someone who doesn't need us to do that that it was just an easy relief.  But sometimes we struggle, don't we, to not do the things we've always done - even though we don't need to anymore.

Old habits and old patterns, I guess - hard to keep on top of.  I'm so glad you're getting this time with Buck, even if he does live a bit of a journey away.  I hope not having to do everything in this relationship starts to feel easier and more natural soon :) xx

sKePTiKal:
Thank ye Tupp.

It might not be a real thing, if there weren't some bumps and discomfort along the way, would it? I don't think I could trust anything that was TOO EASY. It would just seem false, somehow.

I think, right now anyway, that the trickiest thing I'm navigating is the physical distance, his independence and lack of needing to be smothered in "woman". It definitely doesn't mean he not emotionally available or doesn't care. He's always showing me in unsolicited ways. Still tells me he loves me twice a day... but not 10 times a day like he's trying to hypnotize me into trusting him. I don't know if he knows a thing about co-dependency - but his nature is such, that he's like an antidote to it, as long as I pay attention to my own baggage and try not to repeat it.

And of course it's going to feel completely new & unfamiliar for someone to want to take care of me for a change. Without wanting to turn me into a Stepford Wife. He definitely LIKES that I'm strong, busy, independent, and speak my mind. There is only one relationship I've had previously that comes close to that - and it was never ever going to be a domestic type of situation. I knew that from the beginning. It lasted maybe 10 years, but we were always apart and only spoke over the phone infrequently - at an incredible level of intimacy between us - for the last 5. Epitome of two ships passing in the night - but we knew each other almost immediately upon meeting; like someone from a past life story. He died in a car accident in the 90s.

Some of the first giddiness is wearing off now. (Not all of it; he can send me zooming with a single pet name again; and does on a regular basis. There's still a lot of flirting going on.) Beyond that, I'm noticing a lot of endearing qualities. He's pretty able to be vulnerable emotionally; despite fully qualifying for all the masculine attributes and even stereotypes. And he's comfortable with that... which in some magic way allows me more space to engage the feminine side of myself. Almost going as far back as Twiggy's 12 yr old girl understanding of boy-girl interactions and feeling way more "seen" with her Dad, than her mom.

He's also very disciplined (as former military often are), stays very busy at this or that - even when he's laid up recovering from surgery he's doing some with his hands; supportive without telling me what to do or trying to fix things; and for as long as we've talked - 5 or 6 years now - has been the greatest confidence booster in my abilities to do and manage and get through difficult things.

When Mama Tiger comes out, trying to protect him and defend him, he can tell me when to stand down and just stop; and she's been a little busy lately - which is how I bumped into his boundary. He doesn't need a babysitter or me clucking all around him trying to wrap him up in bubble-wrap. He is competent and capable and will handle it himself. So far all that's been communicated very gently and understanding. He's aware that I'm not very familiar with a lot of the things he's dealt with; but he knows I learn quick and can adapt/manage my instinct without just giving up and getting steamrolled.

The connection between us definitely has a non-verbal side; because of my difficulties sometimes saying something simply, just coming out with it; this is a good thing. It's kinda like we have our own psychic radio frequency. We just KNOW about each other. Bad moods, frustrating days, bad nights with nightmares, or worries... with one breath we seem to know when the other needs us and can feel that we're there, even when we can't communicate in reality at just that moment.

WHEW. Yeah, I been doing a lot of thinking about this. The long-distance thing and the timeframe involved, the big medical issues, and my crazy intense emotional laser beams has been a lot to reconcile in my logical mind. The reality that at any point in time something could happen to one or the other of us, and there wouldn't be any happy ending - except for being able to be there for each other, as best we can, right NOW. We may never make a traditional commitment, in the standard form; but this is as real as it gets.

I ain't never been "normal", and it doesn't look like I'm going to be trying any time soon either - LOL; he says the same about himself. We're both card carrying member of the Land of Misfit Children. LOL.

SO... some months ago, BB (before Buck), out of the blue, I announced to Hol that it was time for me to go through one of my periodic tranformations. Hair, wardrobe, lifestyle, etc. Some of this is lifecycle adaptation; some of it is associated with relationship chapters of my life. Or work, sometimes.

So I've been slowly digesting the idea trying to figure out what needs to go on a list to remember to do. My weight's down where I can move & work way more comfortably now - so I need to start adding in some time sculpting ye olde bod. So back to pilates, yoga and tai chi... adding some weight training for muscle strength too. All mostly core work. Back strengthening.

For the last year or so, I've played around with the idea of letting my hair grow long again. Last haircut, I argued the whole way to town with myself about it and told Abby, I'll call ya for an appt, to shape things up as it grows out. The short classic bob DID look really good, was easy to deal with. Yes. She was able to do things with the natural wave in my hair that Jim never quite controlled. But I'm not going to be happy until I try this and if I hate it, well in the space of 1/2 an hour, Abby can put it back the way it was.

Clothes, I've gotten about as uncaring about as I did food, for awhile. Plain, unpatterned fabric that covered me. J. Jill turned out to be just the ticket for me. And the clothes FELT good too. Simple shapes; very zen-ish... no frills. Spartan. But then I have work clothes for the farm, so lots of Carhartt type stuff; Duluth. And well.... now I want to look pretty - in my eyes and his. Plus it feels weird to wear jammies that Mike bought me. So I started with a couple things for night time. Bought 3 dresses from JJill, that are really CUTE. I think it was when Holly and I went to see Nick Cave, back in November... that I realized my wardrobe sucked pathetically. It was depressing. Nothing fun or really flattering. And I haven't bought pretty shoes in like FOREVAH.

How we look to ourselves, kind of influences how we FEEL. How we look to the outside world, kind of has multiple roles. It communicates something about "who we are", like with a business suit or scrubs, and also expresses a bit of "who we are really" to other people. These are two completely different things for me.

What I've bought so far... will look just fine, sans another 5 lbs or so and at least another couple inches less... with some muscle firming and toning. And I need to practice - in front of a mirror - smiling more. Until it both looks good, and feels good. This poker face just isn't gonna cut it anymore.

lighter:
That's so weird that you mention "poker face", Amber.  I think about that lately, how I'm used to carrying a face worthy of the Rifleman.... not aggressive, or mean, just very no-nonsense, and serious....  I think it's a coping strategy I haven't been able to let go of yet... but I'm working on it!  For a while, years ago, I would smile out of nervousness, and that was a problem too.   

About how we look effecting how we feel which translates into how others see and respond to us.....it's the same with what we SAY about ourselves to ourselves, and others, IME.  Our biology responds, and chemicals are released.  We might as well cultivate the happiest chemicals possible.

You appear to be navigating the long distance relationship gauntlet pretty well, IMO.  I'm not sure Buck is thinking as hard on it as you are, but I could be wrong. 

I'm glad you're putting everything, or a lot of it, in writing, bc it helps us process to write it out.  Also, it's sort of like a journal, if you want to go back, and see where you were... ever.

 I can't see any red flags, from what you're writing, outside spending time in the future and past, and the distance between you leaves a lot of space for that.  You aren't in the past and future out of worry.... I think you're processing, calculating, being pragmatic, and weighing the truths as you see them.  That's just being thorough. 

I'm looking forward to the time you two get back together again.  You'll likely have a good deal sorted out, emotionally and logistically, for yourself.  That will lead to more relaxed time, with the least amount of worry, and his physical recovery will be the issue at that point... I think.

Have fun, Amber.  I enjoy reading your posts, and enjoying vicariously through your and Hop's posts. 

Lighter





   

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