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sKePTiKal:
Whew. Busy times. But stuff is getting DONE!

Yes, Buck is putting a good deal of thought into this - and has been for some time, as is now apparent to me. He's been burned in bad relationships in the past though I haven't heard details of those stories. And so, he sat out the dance for a good long time too. What he finds valuable, as do I, is just the daily routine WITH a compatible person. So we've been building that - discovering what works best for us as times to really talk with each other; how much space we both need - and how much together time, too. Distance actually helps in this, I think.

The one thing that's tough for me, is reining myself in about taking care of him as he struggles with the health issues. For one thing, NOT BEING THERE, means I have to rely on his take about whether he's feeling poorly... and my imagination can spark anxiety and tension and worse. And I can't do a blessed thing when I can't lay hands on him, or feed him, advocate for him or massage his shoulders and get him to relax those muscles. That's a tad un-nerving for the Mama Tiger who doesn't want to feel helpless. So she paces a lot.

But what I CAN do, which he is indirectly asking for; hoping for... is just my listening and understanding and being there; caring. And that seems very important to him. And he needs my patience - which I still underestimate a lot. It never fails, either that when we actually talk via phone... that I can hear how he's feeling and we laugh about things and are getting to be best friends. He's my sounding board a lot, when Hol & I butt heads over boundaries and misperceptions and general crankiness with each other. He's already aware of boundaries there and dealing with them comfortably.

It's a good reality-based antidote to all my nutzo magical, romantic fantasies; grounding. We seem to be the right combination to do that for each other. So... 10 more months... and lots more learning about each other till then. Unless the Navy seriously thinks they can call him back to active duty with the health issues at 65. Yeah...

He had an evaluation for that last week. It's only possible because when he was injured (mid 90s), some typical snafu in his paperwork prevented them from completing his discharge from service. Then it would be another 3 years before he'd be free to make his own plans and decisions. That almost induced another Mama Tiger episode complete with panic attack... LOL. Almost.

Can you imagine being tantalized by the possibilities of a warm, close, loving relationship after pretty much not even bothering to think it was going to happen... and then imagining waiting 4 years to pursue it? ME?

Mind. Blown. But it could possibly (tho I think highly unlikely) be reality.

lighter:

--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on August 08, 2019, 09:00:20 AM ---Whew. Busy times. But stuff is getting DONE!

Yes, Buck is putting a good deal of thought into this - and has been for some time, as is now apparent to me. He's been burned in bad relationships in the past though I haven't heard details of those stories. And so, he sat out the dance for a good long time too. What he finds valuable, as do I, is just the daily routine WITH a compatible person. So we've been building that - discovering what works best for us as times to really talk with each other; how much space we both need - and how much together time, too. Distance actually helps in this, I think.

The one thing that's tough for me, is reining myself in about taking care of him as he struggles with the health issues. For one thing, NOT BEING THERE, means I have to rely on his take about whether he's feeling poorly... and my imagination can spark anxiety and tension and worse. And I can't do a blessed thing when I can't lay hands on him, or feed him, advocate for him or massage his shoulders and get him to relax those muscles. That's a tad un-nerving for the Mama Tiger who doesn't want to feel helpless. So she paces a lot.  What does Mama Tiger do with that pacing energy?  Do you go back to old practices, and use what you learned? 

But what I CAN do, which he is indirectly asking for; hoping for... is just my listening and understanding and being there; caring.  How can you switch that up, and have that BE enough for you too?    And that seems very important to him. And he needs my patience - which I still underestimate a lot. It never fails, either that when we actually talk via phone... that I can hear how he's feeling and we laugh about things and are getting to be best friends. He's my sounding board a lot, when Hol & I butt heads over boundaries and misperceptions and general crankiness with each other. He's already aware of boundaries there and dealing with them comfortably.  That sounds so comfortable, Amber.

It's a good reality-based antidote to all my nutzo magical, romantic fantasies; grounding. We seem to be the right combination to do that for each other. So... 10 more months... and lots more learning about each other till then. Unless the Navy seriously thinks they can call him back to active duty with the health issues at 65. Yeah... 

He had an evaluation for that last week. It's only possible because when he was injured (mid 90s), some typical snafu in his paperwork prevented them from completing his discharge from service. Then it would be another 3 years before he'd be free to make his own plans and decisions. That almost induced another Mama Tiger episode complete with panic attack... LOL. Almost.  Can you remember what that felt like, inside, and how you managed it?  I'm curious what your process is, if you're noticing it.

Can you imagine being tantalized by the possibilities of a warm, close, loving relationship after pretty much not even bothering to think it was going to happen... and then imagining waiting 4 years to pursue it? ME?  I can imagine it, and I'm glad you're with someone you've known and trusted for years.  I think that takes the other fears off the table of being taken, abused, abandoned, and fooled out of the equation, which is BIG, IME.

 It's just time, and you're perfectly capable of overcoming that, if you put your mind to it, IMO.  Nothing is set in stone, and there can be travel, back and forth, yes?

::NOD::.

Mind. Blown. But it could possibly (tho I think highly unlikely) be reality. 

--- End quote ---

sKePTiKal:
Hmmm. That energy is all over the map. As were my responses, until I got a clear response from Buck that told me to stand down. Then, I just breathed and looked at it.

Initially, fear of loss showed up. (And yes, there are follow ons - like anger at things neither of us have control over.) Then, I immediately kicked into "well, this is WHAT IS" mode, running thru the list of everything I knew about him, ahead of time, before realizing this relationship can ALSO be something we both want.

Realizing my commitment came next; and how I could BEST love & support him - that suits what I willingly took on myself - without putting myself last on the list, for getting needs met. And accepting the vulnerability of the risk that how much, and how I give to him might not be GOOD ENOUGH, and doing it anyway. Waiting for feedback. And it's there.

So evolution or "roll with the changes; adapt & adjust", instead of getting stuck in the pre-programmed, past responses.

I have lots of time & reason to practice, while I'm trying to master this. AND observing too; because how he handles this will show me a lot about him, I haven't known till now. So far, that's a combination of things too. Dark twisted humor (right up my alley); a cheerful persistence and determination to get through it; still caring about others too is what I've seen so far.

There's a whole group of mutual friends on the shared forum we're on, supporting him too - including the moderators; the woman moderator and I have shared phone numbers and keep in touch about his latest "medical adventures". So, one or the other of us, keeps the rest of that community updated when he's not able to do so himself. Known these people quite a long time, just like you all. He has publicly thanked everyone for caring about what's happening to him. (Our personal relationship isn't known publicly there, tho' the moderator I'm friends with has a pretty good idea. For the time being, it just seemed wise to have a boundary there and gives us both autonomy to talk to the others.)

Hopalong:
Brave (((((Amber)))),

I'm not fully understanding the 3-4 year thing until he is free to make his own decisions. I think I have some fuzziness on logistics.

He lives....4 hours away?
He is currently still hospitalized?
He says he couldn't decide about living with you or manifest a 3-D relationship for 4 years because of a military qualification of some kind? Is that about health care access? Access to a VA facility?
You're going to have a 90% online or forum or phone relationship? Is that what YOU want?

Only thing about the relating that pops into my head is to challenge the positivity of the Mama Tiger persona. Might lead you wrong to think of yourself as his all-powerful tiger protector, because he doesn't want that. You ain't his Mama, iow. Sounds like he just wants your friendship and love. As his equal. He may be physically vulnerable but sounds as though he's pretty experienced with both the suffering and the management of his health care. You comfort him because you care, not because you manage.

I HOPE his surgery is over and he's healing and improved. What a nightmare. You are the light at the end of the tunnel for him, and bringing such happiness in this hard chapter.

I know you won't be too sacrificial and that you are going to learn and strengthen with every aspect of this relationship--because you always do. You're leading with love and also checking yourself, which is a loving thing to do. He's a very lucky Buck.

Hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Hopsie, you got most of it spot-on. Yes, Mama Tiger wasn't/isn't needed; it was reflex on my part and he shut it down, as is his perogative. Oopsy on my part. It was handled gently and gracefully by HIM. LOL. Mea culpa.

Yes, surgery is over. BUT, the aftereffects include all kinds of weird things: spinal fluid leaks, accumulation of abdominal serous fluid, a systemic bacterial infection (thanks to either med devices or hospital environment) that manifest in several unpleasant ways. So, some chronic issues to watch for and deal with. Sounds awful, but he does get up and do more than one might imagine - and IMO, more than he should until all this subsides.

In a perfect or sane world, we might could be together permanently or just again, in a year. He still has the daughter to get graduated from HS and a business to close up and so, is very busy this year. The stress of running the business isn't good for him; we've talked about that. But if this active duty recall happens, his rank would obligate him to AS LONG AS 3 years, where ever they want him. It could be less. It's pretty unlikely they're going to evaluate him as fit for duty, but it's still a reality to deal with. Chances are very good, that the original clerical error that happened (when his discharge from service wasn't completed) back years ago, when he was first injured, will finally get cleared up instead of being recalled.

HEY, I could change my mind about this whole thing in 6 months. So what we've tentatively talked about, is a decision in the future - and see how it goes until then. So many things could change between now and then; for him OR me. He is used to being deployed for months/years at a stretch - and relationships under those circumstances. I'm not; this is a brand new reality for me. I had one distance relationship when I was in HS; and it ended terribly. I was 16; first serious relationship (I thought); it wasn't mutual.

I was just as confused about how all this military stuff works as I confused you, Hops.

If we do get a chance to visit before that year's worth of work for him is getting completed (while we're also building the Holly Hut, so I can have my house to myself) we'll make it happen. This isn't a concern for me, that he might just disappear into the night because of some guy thing that sounds like more fun. He found a way to get here and rescue me from the multiple vehicle problems in June. And it's not the first time he'd asked if I needed him to help, either.

He's been there for me, for some time, whether I realized it or not. I'm figuring out how best to be there for him, too. And it's a good thing I am as independent and strong as I am... that works for him.

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