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lighter:
Lordy, Amber.  I don't think it's likely B will be recalled, but whoo boy.... that's a strain to have hanging over your head.

I hope B continues healing, and working towards the future he'll build with you. 

Lighter

Twoapenny:
They messed up his paperwork twenty years ago and it means they could make him go back to work??!!  My head is spinning at how ridiculous that is.  I very much hope that some common sense prevails and 'someone' fills the right forms out this time around.  Complete madness.

On the subject of Buck being glad that you care, I can identify with that sooooo completely!  It means the absolute world just to know that someone gives a shit, whether or not they can do anything about anything that's going on.  Just someone that's glad to know what you did, even if it's nothing special, and wants to hear your voice, even if you've nothing particularly interesting to say.  Someone who's glad you are just you, without you needing to whip out the bells and whistles and make miracles happen.  Maybe the distance is a good thing, Skep, it gives you a chance to practise just being wanted for who you are, not because you're dealing with fourteen different problems at the same time.  Sounds to me like Buck is very capable of looking after himself and just wanting you because you're you - not because he needs looking after.  That sounds like a good combo to me :)

How is his recovery going now, is he heading in the right direction? xx

sKePTiKal:
Tupp, the health situation is different every single day. For the most part, it's all moving toward recovery and whatever state of wellness is obtainable. That continues to be my focus, too. Reminding him, that he's doing a lot more and a lot better, than a lot of people. Slowly convincing him this is something valuable and he needs to not jeopardize it by pretending he's 30. But guys.... sigh. It's like you're making them give up the keys to the car, reminding them they're not a spring chicken.

There is something to be said for the distance, Tupp. For one thing, I still have (self-perceived) problems communicating verbally. So writing is our primary form of communication. It's like love letters... and I've been toying with actually writing some. And we have fun too - teasing each other, playing around with our "secret" on the forum - which is going to come out in the end anyway. It is known; LOL. They always do. But there's a bit of security - false though it may be - in not shouting about this, and forcing people to tell us to get a room... LOL. If we DO hit one of those "no making it work" spots, no one's the wiser and it's still private between us. We do talk on the phone and it is good, despite my self-consciousness. So far, the ESP wavelength between us is clear and strong; we haven't had any misunderstandings there.

The "stop struggling" reminder to myself has been super important. To me. It opens up a lot of perceptions for me, about how wonderful this all is... without creating much anxiety over things that don't really matter. He is who he is - and me too - and since that's been settled in the past, it's the basic reality we have to work with. It's also where "who we become" will come from. So this being wide open, non-judgemental, patient and understanding phase gives it the best shot of becoming really strong.

He's about 95% pure male archetype. He does have a soft, nurturing and protective side that he's successfully integrated into his own self. And the amazing thing I'm discovering is how that's starting to free me to relax into my own feminine... without giving up one ounce of strength or autonomy. My mindset has always been to be all things, to the best of my ability. I had no idea how much energy that took and something had to give, ya know?

So, all the stereotypical feminine attributes hit the trashcan. Yeah, I was still empathetic and nurturing, because those essential spots don't change. But I functioned at my best in a man's world; with their stereotypical attributes. And it's quite possibly why I've had such overwhelming conflicts to resolve about myself. I do, at the end of the day, want to keep, express, be, and nurture my feminine too. It's still a big part of who I am. And I am fully capable if not as efficient, at those other things too.

Lots of discovery and growing to still be done. And I think it's going to be mostly fun, because we don't have anything to prove to each other. I don't expect it to be storybook fantasyland... and am watching (but only with one eye) for those things to pop up. Already hit the spot, where Hol - as my designated back watcher was a little concerned - and he has handled that wisely and gracefully.

He made an admission the other night on the forum, that where he was once just right foot, left foot... he now has an important light at the end of the tunnel. The guys were congratulating him. They're all good guys. I mentioned that our little secret is going to come out sooner or later; that's just the way those things happen. And he has his reasons why as I do for keeping the secret just a little longer. He has been letting himself have more fun and interact with the guys a lot more there too. He kept a lot to himself previously. Because he didn't want his misfortunes to become a "thing" with that group of people. The amount of support of each other in that group is impressive. Unlike many forums.

Hopalong:
Given the degree of injury, suffering, operations, infections and medical miseries you've described, Amber, I simply cannot comprehend that "active duty" would even be in the same universe as Buck. It does not compute that this is even remotely a real threat. Bureaucracy effs up, for sure, but all he'd have to do is take off his clothes and stand in front of an Army doc and hand over medical records... I understand there was a paperwork mistake way back, but an active threat of being classified for active duty? Is that even possible?

Anyway, I like your timeline. Having this next year to focus on your side of the mountain while he also focuses on his, while connecting in whatever way works for you both as best you can, sounds really nice. I bet your forum secret lasts another couple of days!

I don't think you need to focus on "reminding" or "convincing" him of anything. You might try pivoting to I-statements. I feel scared when you overwork. I am working on accepting that aging does change me and I want to feel peaceful about this natural stage. I feel so happy when I think about this chapter of life with you and I want it to last. Stuff like that.

I've done that with M when I gently mention something (busted: that's "reminding" if not "convincing"--sheesh!) like that to him. But it does seem to go down easier when I always hook a worry to WHY with an "I statement" (because I want this chapter to last a long long time).

Hugs
Hops

lighter:
Ya know, Amber.... when I started dating Bill, we butted heads. 

We butted heads over who'd be the one who gave the most in our relationship. 

When I look back, I realize everyone has their comfort zones, and reasons.

I wonder,  in Buck's situation, what's going through his head. 

As an Alpha,
a man's man,
 a man of action.....
in a newly romantic relationship.....
feeling vulnerable on the best day in hospital.....
what's going through his head, that he doesn't say out loud? 
We all have fears.  I think? 

It might not be easy for him to receive..... right now.  He might have to learn how to get better at it.

Let me ask you this.... how easy is it for you to accept help?

Lighter

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