Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2019 Farm Life
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on November 17, 2019, 09:18:21 AM ---Haven't heard yet Tupp; on the official discharge. It's the gov't - and worse, military - so things move super-slow.
On top of the antibiotic needs, he's allergic to the specific one (which is probably the #2 choice for dealing with this infection, since he's highly allergic to #1)... so now he's taking benedryl, too. LOL. At least it's making him sleepy! He sleeps less than anyone I've known; and Mike would normally get by on 4 hrs a night.
I did suggest we might be able to figure out how to get him here for a long T'giving weekend. He's thinking on it. Still not confident enough about his medical situation yet to jump at the invitation and take a risk.
He is in amazingly good spirits, considering how he's being treated by these institutions. Yes, he has moments of being a total grumposaurus, but it's always just venting... and I don't see him taking his frustration out on anyone else. (One watches for things like that depending on what you grew up around.) More often, he finds ways to cheer himself up or distract himself - but he doesn't handle boredom well. When he's feeling well enough, he can handle it himself - it's when he physically can't get up & do, that he needs some engagement & entertainment.
Hol & Steve are expected back to the farm today - sometime. I am OK with it, but really really really enjoyed this "time off" from living with other people and their activity, needs/wants, etc. Also feeling a bit of the "company's coming" anticipation... even though they live here. LOL. I really sank right into my own "doing/being" these past few days... and am finally feeling rested again. I guess that means I should work harder on taking care of myself when they're around... consider that a boundary of sorts. Not the the solid-steel, never changes kind of boundary... but one that becomes the routine, for my own good - which can be dropped on occasion. For fun reasons, or need, in some actual REAL crisis situations. (Which are fewer than I think I perceive, many times.)
--- End quote ---
Definitely the right sort of boundary to have, Skep, and I guess it will be much easier when they have their own place ready - you can tell them to go home when it suits you :) Lol. It is tiring having other people around, however self sufficient they are, just because you are conscious they're there. Even if you're not doing for them or interacting a huge amount, it's still other people and it means you can't just focus on yourself. I had a good friend to stay, honestly, she's just lovely, but after three days I was happy to see her off. You just can't be quite as free. I usually take my bra off as soon as I get home but I was conscious of her being there so I did say do you mind if I do. She said of course not, and then later on in the evening was shifting about on the sofa. Turned out she was sitting on it lol. The next night she was uncomfortable again and she said, "Am I sitting on your bra again?" But I still had it on at that point, lol, it turned out to be one of the cat's toys :)
Buck's approach sounds sensible, given the lack of control you both have over the situation. It maddens me that people are treated so badly. But once you've done as much as you can, what else can you do? I really hope he gets well enough to get together with you at some point, Skep, you both deserve a bit of fun and r and r :) xx
sKePTiKal:
annnnnddd...
I had a bit of a freak out. Of all things, over how intense and constant that connection is between B & I. How deep and natural it all seems. Cold feet? I know I thought I should just end the whole thing now and save both of us the later frustration/irritation. And it wasn't anything he said or did... it just came over me that he was too much in my head space.
That's led to a film-strip review of old memories just popping up willy-nilly out of context.
So, I guess I'm going to have to sit with this awhile. I couldn't even write about it and sort it out. I have absolutely no idea what's gotten under my saddle this time or why.
But it's the time of year when I turn inward anyway, and this is as a good a subject matter to occupy myself with; pondering all the different sides of it. It could just be that my "project manager" hasn't graphed out all the things that will need to happen, and the meetings haven't taken place or practical details negotiated, discussed and agreed to yet. So lots of "future fog" in trying to get a picture of what it might be like.
And while Hol & I can honestly talk about - and laugh about - the difficulties in our current situation (for which I'm immensely grateful) not everyone is capable of that. She's having a similar difficulty with Steve who simply doesn't talk about himself - past, present or future. He just IS, in the moment. B isn't that self-absorbed or contained; he communicates very well and is vulnerable and open with me. But I'm just clueless right now, about what I want to ask for, from him. It's real; it's kinda a big deal; but it's not consciously verbal yet.
And that particular personal characteristic of mine is beginning to irritate me no end. It's like I feel like I don't matter enough or am important enough to even know what to ask for - much less to feel I have the right to ask for whatever it is. So much so, that I have to even hide it from myself so I don't unconsciously let it slip out and draw down the ire of the one who reacts: "How DARE you?" Meh. Talk about ancient hieroglyphic neural pathways....
So my instinct is to hide/bury all that kind of stuff - be as invisible as possible - to "stay safe".
And it's only because of how intimate we're becoming with each other - albeit at a distance, through conversation. That can be the ONLY logical explanation. From what I can currently see.
Twoapenny:
Skep, I think you're wise to just sit with it and let it be what it is for a while. The answer(s) will pop up at some point. Being happy (or the prospect of being happy) can be scary - lots of good things can if we're kind of hard wired to expect life to be hard, unforgiving, relentless and so on. And maybe this bit of downtime you've just had (while H was away) has let some 'stuff' float up to the surface. Logistics are hard work - it's long distance, he's not well, this whole crazy situation with the medical stuff and the army discharge, plus your house, Holly's house, the endless visitors - phew! I'm always exhausted just reading your threads so for you to be living in it must give your brain a million things to think about. So I think you're right - just sit tight, get on with what you do, observe, think, feel - but no dumping Buck, I think this wobble will wibble itself out :) xx
lighter:
Sometimes we find something, and want it so much, need it so badly.... enjoy it so deeply..... there's going to be some residual fear it won't last, or be OK. It might not be real, etc.
That's human, and it's also neural pathways, emotions and sensations we can find in our bodies, identify, and calm down... soothe. Quiet. Override, IME. Replace.
You're reacting, maybe, to things you haven't put your finger on yet. Maybe.
I wonder if shifting into observer mode, and becoming very curious about what you're feeling, will bring helpful answers....
maybe.
Something's pinging for you.
Something needs attention.
That's Ok.
Tend to these things, and see what they have to say.
Lighter
Hopalong:
((((Amber))))
For what it's worth, what jumped out at me was "intensity."
I think intensity for its own sake has both bright and dark sides, in my own experience anyway.
While intense intelligence or passionate connection are big draws to a certain kind of personality, I find I can suddenly feel like collapsing into my socks I'm so drained. And then I recoil or pull away until I'm solid enough to enjoy it again.
I'm discovering for the first time the joys of being comfortable, with a softer ebb and flow. A lighter touch (emotionally and otherwise). A sense of, I dunno, love as a hammock rather than a roller coaster, a thriller, a survival story.
None of these metaphors would fit you and B, but do you think you might just be experiencing a temporary surfeit of intensity? Doesn't mean anything bad about your relationship if you are...maybe just that under the stress/drama of LDRs, plus his illness, routine interactions can become so charged that they can suddenly overload one.
Just a thought. I sense there's something in it but dunno, dunno....
Hugs
Hops
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