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sKePTiKal:
I have a clue now.

I'm currently 5 days away from the anniversary when Mike died.

There are still lingering echoes of "survivor guilt" that come up. But those are pretty easily managed with self-talk. After all, it's been 4 years now. There is no question about if I would deny myself a present life because I was honoring a past love & life. That's just not me. Sure I "sat out" a lot of things... giving "me" a chance to come through loud & clear to my own self. For some time. But I was also moving into a new space of "just me" too.

One of the things I struggled with a long time, was that lack of physical touch. Sometimes it's a curse having a good memory. Especially when you know it IS just a memory and there is no possibility whatsoever of enjoying that again. Then, there was the monumental effort of being a caregiver. (BettyAnne, thinking of you.) It was all I could do some days, to remember to show and take an extra minute there... and feed myself. The totality of my existence was laser focused on caring for him. I was perfectly suited to take on that role - BECAUSE of my hieroglyphic neural pathways of the ancient past. (and no damn boundaries about it either)

In the now, there is a mirror image of that situation. Instead of dealing with the terminal quality of cancer... there is Buck's dominant personality that is focused on getting himself well to deal with - preventing an opportunity to just sit and look into his eyes or touch him. It's his health, he's in charge, and has been doing this so long he knows it backwards & forwards. He doesn't want or need a "nurse". He's not indecisive either (Mike sometimes couldn't decide what he wanted for dinner.) So he makes his plans, and when they're sorted out - reads me into what he's thinking. (That's pretty different.)

When I encounter some difficulty on a project - Mr. Fixit is right there with expert assistance - albeit long distance. That's already run into my sensitivity to being told "you're not doing it right". LOL. So he's more careful now. He's not the only one with a lethal side to them, LOL. And there's always some project, life drama, etc going on. Most of which doesn't require that level of intensity.

So, one thing I know he wants from me is absolute loyalty; devotion to him. Have his back. Same as I want. And precisely because we're both intensely emotional people - with it buried under a persevering, stoic demeanor - the undercurrents of our interactions are combustible and explosive. Yet we're both fiercely independent and protectively defensive about our "territories"... particularly work spaces.

So, one of the things I see, that came up... causing the "cold feet" feeling, was that I felt like I'd inevitably let him down. The old not trusting myself thing. Then, there's the difficulty of trying to communicate that I have sometimes; of being clear and actually saying what I mean. And valuing myself to expect and communicate about my own boundaries... and ASKING for what I want.

Which all is a long way of saying, if we can't get some time together pretty soon, face to face... I'm gonna go completely bonkers. LOL.......

The PAST - and my feelings for Mike - are like the page in a long book with an illuminated "the end" on it. That's a little sad, because we had a lot of fun together despite the ending which I was afraid would tear my heart out. I can hear the "should" in my head about maybe I'm not ready for a new relationship... to which I immediately retort, that that voice has absolutely NO IDEA what it's talking about. LOL. I've never been that saintly and I'll be damned if I start now. This new guy draws me to him like magic - maybe because he DOESN'T need me. And we are both so independent and capable on our own. And yet we catalyze something in the other that's beyond my ability to describe.

I'm concluding that it would be a good thing for me to work on my communication and boundaries until such time as we can arrange a long weekend or something. Keeps me busy and out of trouble until such time as we can play. Thanks to the ever present cell phone & texting... he's always in my head, as if he's right here. But he's NOT. And that's a lot like that initial grieving period I had after Mike.

Hopalong:
Two things that connected for me with a solid thunk:

--The "one step back" feeling that's related to fear of disappointing the other. I get it, and I think (h/t to Judith Sills again) that this is a near-universal step in the love relationship process. I also have fears of disappointing M. I am sure you will not get stuck there but know what it feels like to temporarily cool off a bit for self protection.

--The need to see B in 3D so this doesn't turn into an "ever-present cell phone and texting" relationship which, your body/heart are telling you, is nice but also an exercise in too much ether, not enough world.

And the issues of attraction, and yearning, and grief for his body and missing his touch, and also your awareness of his capacity to dominate (not that you'd let him) while still being your basic magnetic man (cue Outlander)...

You're still assimilating and putting together your own picture of what this relationship actually is and is going to be. I support you in not relying on the epistolary and digital fixes or confusing them with a shared life.

Don't be afraid. I think your goal of continuing to work on [assertive?] communication and clear boundaries is absolutely healthy and self-loving.

Easy to imagine that with Hol on one side and B on another, you're in a strong-personality sandwich at the moment. Don't ever forget you are a strong strong smart woman.

And don't say Yes any more to anything that doesn't answer your core needs or your ongoing questions. Asking and asserting until you have a feeling that your needs will be met, or close enough to live with, is essential self respect and self love. You can be on your OWN side in life first, while still loving others with all your heart. No matter where life takes or how it shapes those others You're only in charge of you, and being with yourself puts you in excellent company.

Hugs
Hops

lighter:
I don't know where you are regarding feelings of safety, Amber.  Sometimes I think you're completely comfortable with this man, and what he means to you, and then I wonder a bit.  The fear you'd disappoint him..... is that old, and about your pastm or is it in the present? Is it about B, and you?

Perhaps your amygdala is pinging.  Connection with Mike's health issues.... overlaying them with B's?  Not sure, but it comes to mind.   

Echoing Hops on self-care, and being on your own side, Amber.

I want so badly for you to be crystal clear on your needs, and right to have them met.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Thinking.

One idea I've had is to make a list of those hieroglyphic neural "reflexes" (the ones I know about that still recur). Even tho I've already accepted that they are a part of "me"... and I'm still working on countering them with intentional thought, feeling & actions... I think I need it in B&W to engrave it on my awareness that like it or not, I'm going to emotionally respond a certain way out of long habit. To greater/lesser degrees. Not just expect myself to automatically catch those before I act on them.

Other idea that I acted on, was asking directly about the structure & form of what he's seeing; envisioning what our relationship agreement will be when he's here. Once again, he's proved to be very simply direct without "decreeing" this is the only way things can be. (This is helpful to me.) He calls it an "open ended tour" (yeah, military reference)... which is essentially my "no strings attached" description. Living together; business/legal stuff completely separate; and he gave me full control of ending it for any reason whatsoever. Along with a list of reasons why I might want to do that. He must have a pretty good T for him to be able to acknowledge all that openly, without any qualms.

All mostly PTSD type things. Stuff I'm more than passing familiar with given what I've been through; what we've all shared together over the past decade. Then, there's Hol - and the joint work we've been doing on related things. The work we've tried to do with former house guest, Matthew - and understanding what we are capable of doing and where our limits & boundaries are - and which work is HIS to do. (So Hol doesn't try to do too much.)

Front & present in my mind about Buck, is the cliche that some kinds of people will tell you who they are up front. And that one should always believe them; not expect anything to change - or be changeable due to your miraculous "powers" of soothing the savage beast. I know full well what he was trained to do; I know what his flashbacks are - what happened; and I know how he was trained to not feel anything about stuff like that. I know his instincts of protecting; protectiveness are right beneath the surface. And he is gentle and kind and sensitive to others' feelings and needs. So he doesn't fit the cookie-cutter Rambo stereotype. He knows full well what boundaries are and reciprocity and trust... due to the many years of T. I am very comfortable with his level of self-control and judgement and decisionmaking. And I've been around other former soldiers too, obviously less intimately, and one can readily perceive that side of them that's been trained to be dangerous even when you don't know they're former military - and no, they haven't given me cause for concern.

And then, there's my laundry list of instinctive reactions based on the past. And I *think* this is where my anxiety is centered. I think the situation is requiring a new level of trust in and from myself -- ABOUT myself. And a new level of being comfortable IN myself. Because there are no "red flags" with Buck. Even when I'm in analytical scrutiny of micro-details. And I'm not fearful OF HIM at all; on the contrary - I feel much safer WITH him, and even in the digital realm... because we can communicate so openly & intimately and navigate the occasional misunderstanding easily.

I have heard that I'm a "difficult woman" for years, in various relationships. And the more confident I got in myself the more Mike withdrew from me. There is the odd coincidence, that my rape assailant was active military. Which shouldn't be a thing all these years later; but ya know... trauma reactions aren't rational.

But there is still a lot of reality of experience missing. Nothing is ever idyllic or perfect; what is my "mom lesson" to Hol? There are no perfect men. And I rather expect we wouldn't be attracted to one, if there were.

Quite possibly, I'm just not busy enough and have too much time to overthink things right now. And I should relax and enjoy myself more than I'm letting myself at the moment.

sKePTiKal:
Analogy time:

It's like I'm trying to speed-read to the conclusion of the story to find out if it's "happily ever after"... which means I'm going to miss a whole hell of a lot of context.

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