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2019 Farm Life

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Hopalong:
It makes perfect sense that way down in, where a bit of residual emotional nerve damage sits, you could now and then be subtly triggered by him being military since the rapist was. What offsets this, imo, is your evidence-based trust in B and the kind of human being he is, and how responsibly he's been managing his PTSD and health and mental health. Lots of T; that's impressive. As is his honesty and consistency.

I think YOU are thinking very clearly, Amber, I really do. So clearly in fact, that I agree you are approaching over-thinking... Because you see things in such nuance and microscopic form. This is when one really can miss the forest for the trees.

I think you're on a mountain, and one of the patches of woods nearby is B, and in its center is a lovely little glen that is pure beauty. Privacy, serenity, sun pouring down, fragrant edges, stillness except for birdsong, and peace. For you, first. And then for both of you.

I am so hoping you and B will have the chance to relax in that glen together. Waiting for it must be a real strain....

Do what you can to refocus in the present, so the planning demon monster executive doesn't dominate the day. Or not too often, anyway.

You're doing GREAT, Amber. Really. I'm so impressed. I can barely organize tying my shoes so everything you're up to, easy and hard, is astonishing to me.

Big hugs
Hops

lighter:

--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on November 21, 2019, 09:20:06 AM ---Thinking.

One idea I've had is to make a list of those hieroglyphic neural "reflexes" (the ones I know about that still recur). Even tho I've already accepted that they are a part of "me"... and I'm still working on countering them with intentional thought, feeling & actions... I think I need it in B&W to engrave it on my awareness that like it or not, I'm going to emotionally respond a certain way out of long habit. To greater/lesser degrees. Not just expect myself to automatically catch those before I act on them.

That makes perfect sense to me, Amber.  On the other hand....
"What we resist, persists" is what comes to mind immediately after making perfect sense.   

I could never journal enough, plan enough, identify something enough and certainly could never think my way clear of something, except  when I thought through my people-pleasing reactions when in the yard with my elderly neighbor.  It had good effect, and I was calm, relaxed, and not worried about people pleasing, or not people pleasing... just living in the moment.  Enjoying the duty, and joy of tending our yards.  Together.  That's new for me.  And it came from setting intentions, and letting go.   

This is new for me, so I'm not sure about my ability to reproduce it.  I know it can be done. I know I'm capable, and you're capable, and we're all capable. 

That I've had to hear different information different ways, over and over, and in certain order..... to get me to this place makes me question, and dount.   
It's my own struggles with strength, and experiencing them as outside myself, likely.  I should feel it's within my control,  as you do, Amber.

I honestly believe it is, and I'm sure it's within your ability, Amber.   

Other idea that I acted on, was asking directly about the structure & form of what he's seeing; envisioning what our relationship agreement will be when he's here. Once again, he's proved to be very simply direct without "decreeing" this is the only way things can be. (This is helpful to me.) He calls it an "open ended tour" (yeah, military reference)... which is essentially my "no strings attached" description. Living together; business/legal stuff completely separate; and he gave me full control of ending it for any reason whatsoever. Along with a list of reasons why I might want to do that. He must have a pretty good T for him to be able to acknowledge all that openly, without any qualms.  Or maybe he has his own fears of disappointing you?  He's human, Amber... like the rest of us.

All mostly PTSD type things. Stuff I'm more than passing familiar with given what I've been through; what we've all shared together over the past decade. Then, there's Hol - and the joint work we've been doing on related things. The work we've tried to do with former house guest, Matthew - and understanding what we are capable of doing and where our limits & boundaries are - and which work is HIS to do. (So Hol doesn't try to do too much.)

Front & present in my mind about Buck, is the cliche that some kinds of people will tell you who they are up front. And that one should always believe them; not expect anything to change - or be changeable due to your miraculous "powers" of soothing the savage beast. I know full well what he was trained to do; I know what his flashbacks are - what happened; and I know how he was trained to not feel anything about stuff like that. I know his instincts of protecting; protectiveness are right beneath the surface. And he is gentle and kind and sensitive to others' feelings and needs. So he doesn't fit the cookie-cutter Rambo stereotype. He knows full well what boundaries are and reciprocity and trust... due to the many years of T. I am very comfortable with his level of self-control and judgment and decisionmaking. And I've been around other former soldiers too, obviously less intimately, and one can readily perceive that side of them that's been trained to be dangerous even when you don't know they're former military - and no, they haven't given me cause for concern.

And then, there's my laundry list of instinctive reactions based on the past. And I *think* this is where my anxiety is centered. I think the situation is requiring a new level of trust in and from myself -- ABOUT myself. And a new level of being comfortable IN myself. Because there are no "red flags" with Buck. Even when I'm in analytical scrutiny of micro-details. And I'm not fearful OF HIM at all; on the contrary - I feel much safer WITH him, and even in the digital realm... because we can communicate so openly & intimately and navigate the occasional misunderstanding easily.

I have heard that I'm a "difficult woman" for years, in various relationships. And the more confident I got in myself the more Mike withdrew from me. There is the odd coincidence, that my rape assailant was active military. Which shouldn't be a thing all these years later; but ya know... trauma reactions aren't rational. 

But there is still a lot of reality of experience missing. Nothing is ever idyllic or perfect; what is my "mom lesson" to Hol? There are no perfect men. And I rather expect we wouldn't be attracted to one, if there were.  I'm sorry, Amber.  I was surprised when Buck showed up at the Farm, and stole your heart, or so it seemed.  Sort of... out of the blue... a surprise from where I stood.  Have you and Buck seen each other, face to face, more than that one visit?  I'm not judging.  Just trying to understand, and I'm all for imperfection and dialing realistic expectations.... for other humans, but I never expected enough, Amber.   I never asked for what was fair, or right,  or what was mine to have, and hold.  I was independent, and not at all bothered by jealousy or insecurities.... that's what I told myself, anyway.  I think that part was truth, actually.  But there was something else, and maybe you're thinking of that thing, or maybe not.  I can't be sure, so I ask.

What is it, really, that you're trying to tease out of these thoughts?

Quite possibly, I'm just not busy enough and have too much time to overthink things right now.  Honestly?  That's what the cheating, lying, skunk men in my life said to me when I questioned them on simple things anyone would have questioned. And I should relax and enjoy myself more than I'm letting myself at the moment.  I think breathing, and relaxing into the present will help you find clarity, Amber.  Being curious, and nonjudmental about what comes up, and noticing it all.... will show you what you need to see, IME.  Lighter

--- End quote ---

sKePTiKal:
Thanks Lighter.

As for over thinking - it's something both Hol & I have a tendency to do. And we're marvelously skilled at throwing intellectual energy into trying to solve a mystery or a problem. Except some things can't be solved that way. No matter how hard you think or what you can construct intellectually - it simply doesn't touch some realities or move or settle them. The writing helps so much - because seeing it in B&W words kinda removes the ego-attachment to the ideas and eventually the brain realizes that you're trying to solve a problem with the wrong set of tools.

For instance, no amount of thinking can heal up an ego-wound from being abused or physically assaulted. I think we've all pondered the phenomenon of yeah, I understand all the words & theory - and they're RIGHT - but we still can't move past something until we use different tools: for some it's mind-body work, for some it's emotional work.

As for Buck stealing my heart, it was totally the other way around Light. He was being the perfect gentleman, in a brand-new environment for him... and he doesn't acclimate quickly to new people and environments... he even told me he didn't expect any of this, from me. I initiated the whole thing. Yeah, I've used the feeling-image of him stalking me from a distance for years - because he has been around, available, and just THERE that long. But it wasn't with any purpose or ulterior motive in mind. And we were fully engaged with a bigger group of people during that time, too. Not much one on one time. We both minded our boundaries appropriately (hate that word, but it's right here).

That little voice I've spent so much time, trying to tune into, just jumped up and wacked me with a 2x4 and yelled at me, that I couldn't let him slip away back into what he's been dealing with for so long - WITHOUT "properly introducing myself". LOL and one thing led to another VERY quickly. I am USED to fast binding connections; this would be the third time it's happened. No, it's not a recommended method - LOL. But it's seldom turned out super-badly for me. There is a certain feeling; I just KNOW. That it's going to work and it's what I WANT.

I've also never asked directly for what I wanted. Or felt that I had that right. But things change... and I am doing that more often. It's still new; it still has the flavor of "breaking taboos" - but when "nothing bad happens" I'm encouraged and chalk up another notch in the confidence zone... which ultimately leads me to relaxing and trusting my self.

I think it's inevitable that a bunch of old stuff bubbles up to the surface, during this time. And I get to decide if any of it is still relevant, still applies, and it's a TON of emotional sorting. Meanwhile, I'm also learning the new rhythms of a relationship with Buck. New dance partner. And I am totally bowled over - astounded - flabbergasted at how straightforward, direct, and EASY it is to talk to him about stuff like this. It's even cozy; nothing fraught. No games.

That I am suspicious of that - says a lot about me and where I've been and my own defensive choices. It seems too good a fit; too good to be true; a person doesn't get this lucky in life more than once. (Or so my "you're not good enough" line of crap goes)

This adventure is challenging my hold on stuff like that; and THAT is part of what is shaking me at the core. There's a lot of crap I still need to let go and move past, for sure. New stuff to try out and possibly adopt into the space I make. All with the clear intentional purpose of being MORE "me" - than the results & impacts of what I've already lived through.

Hopalong:
Allowing the possibility of good things happening.

You did this, Amber.

It's disorienting for you and it's beautiful.

I'm really seeing this unfurl for you.

Happydancing...

hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
It's hard to unpack it all, Skep, and I always find it weird how good things (or people) can bring up more stuff to unpack.  I often feel like I can't have the happy ever after thing.  I think when life has given you a lot of difficulties and unpleasant or traumatic situations and people to deal with it can seem very unlikely that anything can be good and easy and just kind of land in your lap.  But you are the Queen of self analysis, I think!  And I think it's great that Buck is so switched on to himself and direct about his own situation.  Self awareness is such an important and useful thing to have and I think with both of you having that it will inevitably bring up scary stuff alongside all the good things.  Sending you strength and hanging on in there wishes :) xx

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