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2019 Farm Life

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sKePTiKal:
Nothing much new going on around here. There has been activity in the studio by various of us, some mending; new art projects (by John); and a retro British Army smock in the works for Buck - that is going to be less authentic than I wanted it to be; but will be appreciated anyway, I'm sure.

I'm sleeping a lot; and not so well other times. Buck & I have been in almost constant contact for a week. Lots of "playing" going on; planning; and deeper conversations. Gradually my "sense" of him is changing - but it's even more reassuring and delightful than I initially observed. I'm feeling a lot more solid about this now. The things we can say to each other - without anxiety - is like some kind of miracle to me. I don't have to fuss about finding the right way to say something.

Reading lots too - mostly fiction; all sci-fi fantasy stuff. Just getting lost in other worlds, with other possibilities and limitations.  Might start reading tarot again; haven't decided.

Hut is almost ready for the main floor wall pour; windows have been cut. Someone's really excited.

lighter:
I'm glad the hut's moving along. 

And.....what does a retro British Army smock look like?

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Woodland camo and lots & lots of pockets, Lighter. 1/4 zip, pullover style, with a hood and big pouch pocket. Later versions were full zip jackets (more vietnam era than WWII). Closest thing I could find was a Green Pepper anorak pattern... and I was able to find an original full zip version at a surplus outlet, along with about 5 yds of woodland camo, in cotton. Found buttons from York Constabulary... that will work, in place of velcro. Soldiers hate velcro coz it's noisy.

Oy. I've been more than half under the weather, but I did get started on it yesterday. And the instructions start with the most tedious, difficult and fussy sewing. It's far from perfect, but it's done now. Serviceable and able to withstand big clumsy fingers... LOL. You should see the zipper. I dare him to find a way to break it.

There have been a couple interesting things said to me in the past week, that I'm pondering. He definitely means them at face value; it's not that. I'm looking at me - and habits/patterns of relationship. One thing he said, was that I don't have to prove myself to him, or impress him. The latest one, was a direct command to quit saying I'm sorry about not knowing things, I've never needed to know before. LOL... at the same time, he's apologizing for venting about his problems to me... and making sure I understand he's not frustrated or angry with me. I've had to reassure him I understand the difference.

So, anyway... I'm feeling that I'm being invited to just "be" "me"... sans the usual window dressing, or do-si-do that couples do. And that THIS is the "me" he wants to be with. It feels authentic too; because it never wavers or expects something different. This is kinda eradicating the very last hold of the "not good enough" habits out of my reflexes. The level of openness & honesty of communication is new too. He's not afraid to be vulnerable or scared or otherwise not the big tough protective (but not possessive) guy - he's that most of the time anyway - without losing sight of the reason & meaning for the purpose of it, so it's time, place & context focused. Which is something I've not ever had in a relationship before. That's an adjustment to my "reality" that is a big shift. Yes, I'm watching out for depending on that too.

He's promised we'll get together soon. Medical stuff is still giving him fits though. And something really needs to happen soon. Despite what he lives with - he insisted I take care of myself with whatever this bug is that I'm fighting off around here. So there is very clearly a two-way street here. I'm trying not to be anxious about that... scared... waiting for the Cinderella moment to turn back into pumpkins and rats. And I absolutely miss him. The feeling is mutual given how much we've blown up each other's phones. LOL.

There is so clearly a huge (multi-level) letting go going on. And an unusual delight in all the new that's happening, that I'm noticing. I am less worried about repeating the Mike loss these days; but I haven't forgotten that it's a possibility.

Hol's friend John is here and it looks like he's settling in for a month right now to support her. He's helpful to me here, and he has free run of my studio space - so it's working out well. Hol's court date is in a couple weeks, for the DUI. And things have been kinda weird with her and Steve - just natural stuff; but John agrees that there is a lot of Hol taking care of Steve and not much vice versa going on. (No, I don't think John has designs on her; but they are as close as friends can be. Have been since high school.) And now, Hol's pregnant again. And scared to death about miscarrying again - especially if she has to go jail. I kinda need that whole circus of flying monkeys to move out into HER house. I'm doing my best to keep it at arms length; but sometimes she just needs her mommy right now even when I don't have any answers or solutions... I can still hold her when she cries.

She is managing OK with her fears about the pregnancy; she REALLY wants to have a child. But she's definitely not as giddy excited as she was the first time.

Second floor walls of the hut will get poured next Wed. There have been some adjustments because of how much glass there will be in the west wall. Roof trusses are ordered; windows & doors won't arrive till after the 1st of the year. Those are huge windows & sliding doors.

lighter:

--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on December 05, 2019, 08:30:08 AM ---Woodland camo and lots & lots of pockets, Lighter. 1/4 zip, pullover style, with a hood and big pouch pocket. OK, I think I'm stuck with a picture of a smock in my head... from the salon.... or K art class.   Smock as in with sleeves, or poncho style?  Maybe a vest is more correct?  Later versions were full zip jackets (more vietnam era than WWII). Closest thing I could find was a Green Pepper anorak pattern... and I was able to find an original full zip version at a surplus outlet, along with about 5 yds of woodland camo, in cotton. Found buttons from York Constabulary... that will work, in place of velcro. Soldiers hate velcro coz it's noisy.  It sounds like B is going to be the very happy recipient of a very special..... jacket, errrr.. pullover... thing; )

Oy. I've been more than half under the weather, but I did get started on it yesterday. And the instructions start with the most tedious, difficult and fussy sewing. It's far from perfect, but it's done now. Serviceable and able to withstand big clumsy fingers... LOL. You should see the zipper. I dare him to find a way to break it.  Nice. 

There have been a couple interesting things said to me in the past week, that I'm pondering. He definitely means them at face value; it's not that. I'm looking at me - and habits/patterns of relationship. One thing he said, was that I don't have to prove myself to him, or impress him. The latest one, was a direct command to quit saying I'm sorry about not knowing things, I've never needed to know before. IME, that's the kind of "feeling' that leaves you happy to have live whatever days you have left.  To be so incredibly loved and accepted at a cellular level.  It's marvelous.   Soak it up.  Bathe in it's glow, Amber. I'm so happy to read this! : ) LOL... at the same time, he's apologizing for venting about his problems to me... and making sure I understand he's not frustrated or angry with me. I've had to reassure him I understand the difference.  I don't understand what his frustration and anger look and feel like... sound like to you, but I certainly understand it.

So, anyway... I'm feeling that I'm being invited to just "be" "me"... sans the usual window dressing, or do-si-do that couples do. And that THIS is the "me" he wants to be with. It feels authentic too; because it never wavers or expects something different. This is kinda eradicating the very last hold of the "not good enough" habits out of my reflexes. The level of openness & honesty of communication is new too. He's not afraid to be vulnerable or scared or otherwise not the big tough protective (but not possessive) guy - he's that most of the time anyway - without losing sight of the reason & meaning for the purpose of it, so it's time, place & context focused. Which is something I've not ever had in a relationship before. That's an adjustment to my "reality" that is a big shift. Yes, I'm watching out for depending on that too.  Don't question it now, Amber.  If it's ever time to question, or doubt, or wonder if you have things right, you'll know. 

He's promised we'll get together soon. Medical stuff is still giving him fits though. And something really needs to happen soon. Despite what he lives with - he insisted I take care of myself with whatever this bug is that I'm fighting off around here. So there is very clearly a two-way street here. I'm trying not to be anxious about that... scared... waiting for the Cinderella moment to turn back into pumpkins and rats. And I absolutely miss him. The feeling is mutual given how much we've blown up each other's phones. LOL.  When does he think you'll be able to see each other?

There is so clearly a huge (multi-level) letting go going on. And an unusual delight in all the new that's happening, that I'm noticing. I am less worried about repeating the Mike loss these days; but I haven't forgotten that it's a possibility.  There's no joy without loss, Amber.  It's magic to find someone special.  Focus on the magic.

Hol's friend John is here and it looks like he's settling in for a month right now to support her. He's helpful to me here, and he has free run of my studio space - so it's working out well. Hol's court date is in a couple weeks, for the DUI. And things have been kinda weird with her and Steve - just natural stuff; but John agrees that there is a lot of Hol taking care of Steve and not much vice versa going on.Maybe Hol could add a book on codependence to her list of books to read while pregnant?  (No, I don't think John has designs on her; but they are as close as friends can be. Have been since high school.)I'm glad Joyn's supportive of her. And now, Hol's pregnant again. And scared to death about miscarrying again - especially if she has to go jail. I kinda need that whole circus of flying monkeys to move out into HER house. I'm doing my best to keep it at arms length; but sometimes she just needs her mommy right now even when I don't have any answers or solutions... I can still hold her when she cries.   I'm sorry Hol is suffering.  I'm sure it helps to be held, and know you'll always be there for her.  Maybe helping her figure out ways she can be proactive, and improve her situation,  should she have to spend some time in jail?  It would help busy my monkey mind, for sure.   

What prenatal vitamins are available at the jail?  She might want to take them, and see if they make her sick.  ONE vitamin made me so sick, and I forgot and took it with the second pregnancy too.  BLECK.  Just so miserable. 

Maybe she can get her OBGYN on board with a specific prescribed prenatal vitamin she can have sent in?   

Also,Hol should see her dentist and get everything taken care of before her court date.  Sometimes it takes months to get an appointment, and putting herself on the waitlist might be necessary, so she should start now, particularly if this isn't her first DUI, her alcohol level was .15% or higher, and you're in Virginia, which has a maximum of 2 days to 12 months, as you likely know already. West Virginia seems to have a 6 month maximum.

Dental problems cause all kinds of health issues and what a misery to deal with that in jail.  It seems the dentists pull teeth and call it "treatment."  The toothbrushes have a 2 inch handle, and there's no toothpaste generally, or floss.  I think I'd put DENTIST  at the top of my list, along with purchasing interesting books ahead....  books on positive child discipline, everything about being pregnant, Tai Chi, breathing and meditation practices... even if she's not open to those things now, she might find herself in need. Lord, what if she needs a filling, and can't get in to deal with it before jail time begins?  Two weeks means she needs to get on this now, IMO.

If Hol needs a doctor to prescribe special dietary options, likely fresh oranges if that, she can think that through with her OBGYN now.   See what hoops she has to jump through to procure that privilege.  Orange peels have antibacterial properties, she can create sacred space using them for cleaning...  make nice tea, and it would remind her of home, bc there's precious little in jail that will be of comfort to her.
 

  That baby will feel everything she's feeling, so how can Hol move herself into feeling empowered, supported, and as healthy as she can possibly manage in jail, worst case scenario?  That would help me feel less at the mercy of.... to think everything through, and do what I could to improve my situation.

 Maybe learning whatever Tai Chi she can in two weeks would be helpful?  Maybe she already practices.  I hope they're already in her toolbox.     

She is managing OK with her fears about the pregnancy; she REALLY wants to have a child. But she's definitely not as giddy excited as she was the first time.  That's understandable. Just being pregnant, alone,  can be stressful.
 

Second floor walls of the hut will get poured next Wed. There have been some adjustments because of how much glass there will be in the west wall. Roof trusses are ordered; windows & doors won't arrive till after the 1st of the year. Those are huge windows & sliding doors.  That sounds like it'll help keep Hol busy.  Lots to plan, and implement.  Is she thinking about a nursery yet?  Does she like her OBGYN?  Has she found one she likes?

Sorry if I ramped up your anxiety, but I had my teeth cleaned yesterday.  I have two failing fillings they wanted to schedule appointments for in January!  I can feela little pain on the left side, so waiting over a month was not acceptable. I hope Hol saw the dentist very recently, and this isn't a problem for her... whew, wouldn't that be nice.
Lighter

 

--- End quote ---

Hopalong:
No pumpkins and rats.
Soon, the first snowflakes.
Deep sweet dark on the mountainside.
Air so clean and crisp it brings peace in the breath.
Animals, knowing what season means.
Love on the phone.
A baby growing. (!!!!)

You've got the makings of all that matters, Amber.
I so hope B gets to come visit soon. I can
understand the ache.

(Told M recently when he was talking about missing
me when we're not together that I miss him too, but mostly
I feel lucky having someone to miss.) Small comfort for you
and B in the moment, I know.

I hope you won't self-scrutinize too fiercely. It's okay
for things to become safe, even calm. A fire meant to keep
burning doesn't need moment-by-moment tending forever,
once the embers are strong. You're both still building it up
but keep your eyes on the prize of peace...that can come
after uncertainty. Even if change or loss comes, peace always
follows. Eventually, peace can stay in the midst of struggle.
Not always replacing it, but still present at the core.

I have faith that's coming for you.

Hugs
Hops

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