Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2019 Farm Life
sKePTiKal:
I'm way more aware that there are paths I can't guide someone on, than I used to be. And if someone only listens politely - then continues on the same path they asked for help with getting off - my frustration levels build.
And it's starting to hit Hol, as well... she has more patience than I do, for this kind of "woe is me, help me, but look at me, talk to me not what you want to talk about... because woe is me" treadmill. I don't suffer martyr-Nism, even in it's milder forms, too well. There is a huge difference between true long-lasting misery or grief, and the kind that is used for manipulative purposes. I'm not at all sure I'm qualified to tell them apart.
But I feel what I feel, TOO, dammit. And as it happens, I do hold the command/control authority here - I have hard copy of the orders my friend wrote out for me.
I am NOT running a home for wayward, benighted travellers on life's rougher roads and when I feel I have to take precautions to keep those staying here safe from their own darker tendencies - it's time for them to MOVE ON and try something else. I have my own stuff to deal with - as does Hol. And while I'm happy to offer temporary respite from "life" to the occasional visitor... it's become too damn inhibiting for me.* And perhaps that's a problem I should solve and deal with and change...
but something tells me, when it's MY SPACE... I shouldn't HAVE TO.
And I just had to write that all down, where I can see it... even though I said as much to Hol's boss yesterday (who was here for her birthday party); he's immensely perceptive and intelligent & interesting and even helpful. He & I escaped into talking about historical stuff a lot and that helped.
Writing makes a thought-process an artifact for me. Something concrete. But I'm not at all happy to have to have retreated to my bed & kitty safe-space, to be able to do this in my own home. I resent the hell out of it. And now, I'm going to develop as kind a way to deal with that, as I can.
*What I mean here, is that I have to walk on eggshells in my own home. I have been told to keep my plain-speaking thoughts (ascribed as "dark", because I mean what I say and much of that is based on experience) to myself... to restrain the "mommy-lecture" reflex... etc. To where I feel a prisoner to one person's inability to deal with his own crap. And I know for a fact, I'm not the only one who felt that over the weekend.
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---but something tells me, when it's MY SPACE... I shouldn't HAVE TO.
--- End quote ---
But you do have to because he is ignorant, so why bother resenting. (Easy for me to say as I'm positive I would go there.) Still, you can calmly SPEAK UP and not wait for anyone to guess or read your mind or approve of your choice. Especially not read your mind. If you're been up to your elbows trying to save/reprogram a youNgun and suddenly his lack of noticeable respect or change for all your efforts flips your I've-had-it switch, well, you don't need to explain anything. You owe nobody an intact eggshell in your own space.
Such as:
"Hey, it's been really interesting having you visit. But I need my space/mountain back now. You're welcome through XX [hour or day or date], but then it's checkout time. Hope things are going better soon." He packs, loads, you smile kindly like an older parental-age person does, and wave bye-bye. Noooooooooo drama, drawn out anything. It's a straightforward adult conversation and you are only in charge of one end of it.
All that can be calm and friendly but not, "I'm your new intimate pal so this is a draaaama." No it ain't. Just an adult comfortable with meeting her own needs. Boundareeeeeeeeeeeeeees....
(Damn, I am sounding so BOSSY lately. What's up w/me? Anyhow, dilute all this to the appropriate temp, plz.)
xxxoo
Hops
lighter:
Amber:
You'll explain your position to this house guest , perhaps plainly if necessary, and you'll feel OK about doing it.
I hope.
After all, you've shared your bread, wisdom, and patience. Now you're ready for him to make use of these gifts.
Or not.
It seems this young man's journey has stalled. Moving on might be helpful to him.
It was very kind of you to extend yourself, and your farm, in any case. He'll look back, and feel gratitude.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Recent example of the exquisite sanity of Carolyn Hax (Wash Post columnist who gets a B+++ on nearly everything, in my bood):
Q: Nope, you have to stay!
Is there any way to deal with someone who feels that you politely excusing yourself from a conversation or social gathering (because the subject matter makes you uncomfortable, because you're tired, because you need to introvert) is unspeakably rude? I'm guessing nope?
A: Carolyn Hax
Depends. The intimacy of the relationship makes a difference to how you manage.
But in general, my advice is to just do what you need to do and politely rebuff corrections that cross personal boundaries. Not just here, but everywhere.
— JAN 04, 2019 12:39 EST
sKePTiKal:
Good sense from both of you. Thanks.
That's just it, about not resenting him tho - "it all about him" and what he's dealing with and if we take care of ourselves, then he retrogrades to not taking care of himself. And the fuse on my anger over crap like that is already lit. I can head it off at the pass; find a third path... but I'm going to have to be quick because now Hol is feeling used up too. After JUST getting her back on her feet from her breakup.
I can't be worrying about his state of mind, whether all my tools are locked up, what else he's going to destroy in his misguided belief he can help - without asking or finding out how things work... etc.
I need MY LIFE back and as it stands, all the ways Hol wanted to "improve" my life and have fun with mom aren't possible because he's here. She has another friend here, who flew from Portland - and she's hardly spent any time with him. (HE doesn't need a mommy or caretaker or someone keeping an eye on him.)
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