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Embracing The Dark Side

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lighter:
Hi Tupp!

Your post is timely.... I'm working on not feeling responsible for other people's feelings too.... how I appear... helpful.... earnest, bleck.... pleasing.  Bleck. 

I can see how we present ourselves for inspection.... give people the idea we're interviewing for approval.... judgement, and that's why we get so much of it.  Particularly, for me, when I'm not in control... when I need help,  which I've never been comfortable asking for or accepting in my life.

.

I don't think most people are thinking about it, most of the time.  I think our behavior, manner, and words PUT that in their heads.  Example, that doesn't hold a lot of trauma or emotion for me, is the woman responsible for setting up delivery on the kitchen I purchased from the Re Store when I was purchasing this house.  THE RE STORE! 

My sister was all... "Why is she being SO MEAN to you... you're so nice to her!"  I was too nice, too helpful, too willing to let her treat me poorly.  WTH?  This situation helps me understand why I've experienced bullying in school, the workplace, from attorneys and the contractor....  and I'm not always in that mode, and it's important for me to notice that 

It's typically when I NEED someone's help... mostly.  When I'm not in control, and many times at the mercy of.  BTW, this woman charged me for delivery of the kitchen, made the date, then cancelled it, without warning, bc I didn't pay another 15.00 or so dollars for adding small items to the already scheduled $300.00 delivery. 

She claimed I didn't pay ANY fee, then went about charging me hundreds of dollars for "storage" after we'd made the first available delivery date, and the delay had nothing to do with me.  She brought in the manager and set him on me... this very nice, hippy man, who I'd always got along with was threatening me with more storage fees, and being very mean, while charging me $300.00 above what I'd paid!  And I paid it!  Under threat of flaking out, failing to make another delivery date, and being charged more!  The hippy man was MEAN TO ME!  And the bitch smirked, while looking on.  Her handywork.  SMIRKING. 

Turned out this woman had put my delivery fee at the bottom of my 4K invoice.... and we all 3 missed it, so sure was she that I'd just refused to pay the $300.00 bc I'm, what?  A very bad person... someone who refused to take care of business, when in fact I'd gone out of my way to set up delivery ahead of schedule, unlike most people who purchase, then go back and set up delivery days later.   Being accused of actions that are opposite what I actually DID, being punished, and humiliated for the opposite of what I DID..... while many people I worked with at the Re Store looked on with wide eyes... some with pity..... while allowing that bitch to treat me that way.  I ALLOWED her to treat me that way.

My sister finally went in FOR ME, and on my behalf,(learned helplessness much?) pointed out the invoice payment on delivery fee, and cleverly, without emotion, worked a deal where the bitch didn't have to admit to her boss what SHE DID, and I ended up getting delivery for free PLUS came out another $300,00 ahead, which I was conflicted about,  frankly.  It didn't come out of the bitche's pocket, and the hippy manager still thought I was a flakey person trying to take advantage of The Habitat For Humanity people.... him.  Them.  I was there all the time, and didn't feel better till the owners son, who I got along with very well, said the bitch was always a bitch, and it was like a pat on the soul to receive. 

And why did I allow this.... invite this treatment?  Whatever in the world would create that frame of mind IN ME, to allow it... I asked myself this.  I was purchasing a house, we had a tiny new puppy in our rental, I had a 12yo child traveling to MAIN for a summer camp, on a plane all by herself... so far away!  And I was dealing with a crazy making contractor, and another contractor dealing with cancer AND trying to pack up, and move, while DOING a lot of work on the house myself... my head was spinning.  I was overwhelmed, and unable to stop, and re center myself. 

I'm not always scattered.  I KNOW when I'm feeling confident, and carrying myself with authority.  I know when I'm not, but it's recent, and your thread helps me cement it in place. What it IS, and what it's not... what I fear.... what the shame whispers it IS. 

Realizing we're not centered is important.
::nodding::
 Stopping.
 Learning to re center ourselves....
then proceeding is a thing. 

::nodding::.

You did this when you decided how you'd deal with that lady, and recent appointment.  For yourself.  You showed up on time.  You were polite.  You were centered, and focused.  That's a skill we need to cultivate... getting ourselves calm.

 It's happening at a mid brain level.  Our access to logical problem solving frontal lobes isn't available. Our amygdalas kick in, hijack, and we're not even aware most of the time.  We have to be aware.  We have to calm down our brains, gain access to the logical frontal lobe, THEN proceed knowing stress, and old crisis can knock us off center again, and we CAN deal with it. 

Judging ourselves, is not helpful, IME.

I'm glad you changed up how you felt about that appointment. 

You rock, ((Tupp))

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Lighter, that a great example and explanation of what/why we do such things. To go a bit further:

Because of our childhood situations, I think we learned to do this to keep ourselves SAFE. To "manage" those adults who were dangerous to us, as best we could. It's dysfunctional for US.

I have a variety of that reflex, too. But in business, wearing that "hat", I have skills that deal way more effectively with that kind of thing, without working at it too hard. It's when it's interpersonal relationships, that I allow myself to be treated that way.

Twoapenny:
Lighter, I think that need to be nice and please everyone is hard wired in to some of us from an early stage.  I don't remember a time in my life when I didn't feel responsible for everyone else's feelings.  And Skep, you're right, it's about trying to keep safe and in a way, manipulate other people, so that they behave in a way that we can manage.

I bit the bullet this week and dumped caffeine and sugar.  Not completely, but I've cut right down.  I dropped son off at college each day, came home and went straight back to bed.  For three days straight I slept four hours straight through before getting up to go back and collect him.  I feel very devoid of energy but am sticking to it.  I do feel clearer headed and calmer.  I think I will feel better as time goes on.

I am focusing on doing what I want to and trying not to let myself think about what other people think, or concern myself with how I'm thinking or feeling.  I think I've always had this thing that if I'm cheerful and friendly and always look on the bright side it will effect the way people are to me or around me.  But it doesn't; it just drains me and it means I attract people who want to pour out their tales of sorrow and I'm just not interested.  So I've paid no attention to trying to change the way I feel; I've just got on with it.  I stuck my fingers up at the rude man who honked his horn at me because I wasn't barging my way through the traffic quickly enough for him and when my son's college teacher asked if the social worker could sit in on our meeting next month I said no.  I'm not prepared to keep working through the horrifying emotions these people elicit in me, nor am I prepared to keep explaining the reasons to people.  So I just said no and it was fine.

I'm realising how much ridiculous pressure I've put myself under trying to keep everyone happy and not be rude or unpleasant to people.  And to be fair, I'm still not being rude or unpleasant to people, I'm just not jumping through hoops or tying myself in knots to make life easier for everyone else at my own expense.  It does make life easier.

And I have a friend at the moment who I'm struggling with and Hops, it kind of ties in with your realising the writer guy didn't need to be wrong, he just wasn't right for you.  She's a good friend and I don't want to lose her or fall out with her but the hour long sessions where I don't get to speak as she relays the latest drama that she's unnecessarily involved herself in are just too much.  Not right or wrong, just not for me.  So I'm just laying low for a few weeks and it may be that I need to say something at some point if it continues - and if I do need to, it will be fine.  I just realised that I don't have to support people through their peaks and troughs - I can pick and chose who I help and when.  Doesn't make me bad, or them - it just is that.

I will catch up on the board soon, I've been busy napping and generally getting myself together into something resembling a functioning human again xx

lighter:
I'm glad you're sleeping when you feel like sleeping, and feeling OK about it, Tupp.

It's OK to feel tired.  It's OK to BE tired, esp after all you've been through.  Sometimes the lulls are more difficult, in a way, than the days of siege, IME.  The sudden relief, from all that pressure, leads to unexpected reactions in the body, nervous system, and brain, IME.

You're still decompressing.  The trauma is still inside you, in your skin, in your cells.  Just bc you're experiencing different kinds of stress, less maybe, doesn't mean all that's been recorded in your body suddenly and magically disappeared, for surely it did not.  It's still there, impacting your life, and you're learning how to deal with it, manage it, and finally make peace with it.   THat's a process that's going to take time.  Noticing WHAT, WHY and HOW in our histories is important, and we can't do that when we're running around, DOING doing DOING.  It requires stillness, observing, releasing expectations, and emotional detachment.... not good or bad, just different than what we've always done.  Lived by adrenal dumps, action, and the opinions of those we care about, but who haven't cared for us.  Acceptance that they didn't deserve that care.  Acceptance that it's OK to shift our alliances, at a cellular level, and find comfort in something else. Whatever it is we decide to build, if we can unhook the wiring, and build new connections.  It's not easy.  I think I understand, but I might be wrong. 

I think we attract more of what we've had, and can no longer desire, or abide.

I think it new kinds of relationship feel odd, and confusion,  but if we can just sit still, and pay attention, we can tease out what's worthwhile, and what's not.  So confusing, IME.   

So rest when your body and mind say rest.  Don't assume it means anything, good or bad.  Just assume it's rest, and you're going to honor yourself by taking what is asked for. 

Assume you're intentions, and intestinal fortitude will lead you through the process, and into the light.  Assume all will be well. 

Even if it's not OK... it's OK.

Like Hops says... radical acceptance. 
Lighter

Hopalong:
Tupp, it's amazing and hopeful to read this account of you treating yourself like a person who is present and who has priority.

About that friend...I relate to that a lot. A few months back, I took that same risk. I have a friend of 30+ years who habitually free-associates about her woes for very long stretches, into my ears. I have always known that deep down she truly does love me. This is just her only way of feeling connected. But she has always interrupted me, switched the topic back to herself, and just luxuriated in my sincere, empathic listening. She is very isolated and doesn't have many friends, because most locals are interested in her because she's connected to a famous Hollywood family.

MOST of the time it's been okay with me, because I have other places to vent. But recently when I had some heavy stress and anxiety attacks, I couldn't feel good about hearing from her. She just could not listen. I came to realize that I used to do the same thing and drained some friends. I really did and one friendship didn't survive it. I was in the grip of overwhelming anxiety and talked like a fountain. I was desperate to talk and did the same thing she does with me. For that reason I can't judge her about it, but it was becoming a new source of anxiety whenever she'd call.

Anyway, I did finally tell her. I started with genuine underlying positives. How precious our friendship is to me, how much her continued presence and loyalty has meant to me for so long. But that I had one thing I needed to say that was difficult. I just told her what I was experiencing in brief--emotionally and behaviorally. That when I really need support myself and try to talk about it I feel rushed and frantic, because I know she is going to suddenly interrupt me and switch the subject back to herself, so I shut down. And that it makes me sad, that we don't "take turns."

I tried to make it mostly "I statements" rather than "you statements." She grew pretty quiet but she heard me. I reassured her--I am not abandoning you or our friendship but just needed to say that reciprocity, and the ability to take turns listening, is really important to me, so we can stay connected and keep enjoying our friendship for many years.

She took about a week to think about, and sent me a non-snarky email in the interim saying she was reflecting (I responded with more reassurance that we are solid--and we are, at a heart level).

And to my surprise, she's been waaaaaaay better about doing that. We just had a terrific evening and she took turns! She sometimes slips into the old "And then I..." right in the middle of my turn. But she's way better. And for me, she's worth it.

Hope it will go that way with those of your one-way-sharing friends whom you know are worth keeping in your life. Those that can't respond to a loving confrontation, I think, might slip away. But hopefully, someone who wants to stay connected will be able to hear you describe how you feel on the other end of the phone. It's not abusive or mean, it's just honest, and it can be said gently.

love
Hops

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