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Embracing The Dark Side

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Hopalong:
That's probably true, Lighter.

Tupp, I especially like the utter honesty of what you wrote. Type away.... I'd rather read it all than be missing you. Your full humanity is welcome on this side of the screen. Who said humanity is always perky and pleasant and martyred? Half of humanity is in a righteous rage half the time. Periods without anger and grief (look at the U.S. for a macro example) are fortunate. But it takes a lot of guts to look at the dark side. How could it ever change if it's never faced truthfully, especially when external conditions are beyond control? You awe me still.

I like the clarity you've made key here--a thread for facing darkness, not whipping out cleaning rags to polish it away before it's even greeted, acknowledged, accepted as one of our bones.

love
Hops

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: Hopalong on January 10, 2019, 01:31:20 PM ---That's probably true, Lighter.

Tupp, I especially like the utter honesty of what you wrote. Type away.... I'd rather read it all than be missing you. Your full humanity is welcome on this side of the screen. Who said humanity is always perky and pleasant and martyred? Half of humanity is in a righteous rage half the time. Periods without anger and grief (look at the U.S. for a macro example) are fortunate. But it takes a lot of guts to look at the dark side. How could it ever change if it's never faced truthfully, especially when external conditions are beyond control? You awe me still.

I like the clarity you've made key here--a thread for facing darkness, not whipping out cleaning rags to polish it away before it's even greeted, acknowledged, accepted as one of our bones.

love
Hops

--- End quote ---

Thanks, Hops, I have missed you too :)

I understand what you say about being frightened of the dark side; I always have been as well.  I think possibly it's partly societal - as children we aren't generally allowed to express ourselves fully when feeling unhappy or angry (possibly more so for women).  Partly it's always been the fear of what happens once you take the lid off that particular box.  I always remember a therapist saying to me that once you get the lid off you can't always get it back on and that can be hard.  So there's that issue, because dealing with pent up, unpleasant emotions - the angry kind that make you want to lash out and swear and be unreasonable and punch people - is really hard when you've also got to be around people and not be unpleasant and angry at them because it isn't their fault that x happened to you and you feel bad because of it.  Plus there's just coping with the day to day work, kids, money and so on and so we do push it aside.  And of course there is the family element; we were supposed to be happy and make everyone else think we were happy - no negative emotions allowed.  So there have just been years of swallowing things up.

But I think where I've reached my tipping point just lately is that I feel I have spent my whole life clearing up other people's mess.  An actual event is a good analogy here.  When I was four, my mum and dad had a row and she threw his dinner at him.  It hit the wall, the plate smashed and everything fell on the floor.  He went to the pub and my mum went to her room and cried.  I, apparently ( I don't remember this; my mum told me the story) cleared up the food and the broken plate and then went to comfort my mum.

I kind of feel like that is a loop that has been played throughout my life.  Both parents focused on themselves and not me.  They should have been looking out for me and thinking about me, but they weren't.  My best interests were not at the forefront of their minds.  They both, literally, created a mess and then left me to cope with both the practical and emotional fall out from that.  And I feel that that has happened to me in many different forms and many different ways ever since.  All the therapy, self help books, endless amounts of soul searching and self improvement over the last twenty years has helped to deal with my co-dependency and my boundaries are better, but it hasn't stopped these 'someone else made the mess, you clean it up' situations.  Sometimes it's practical - every house I move in to is filthy and has an overgrown garden.  Every house I leave is spotless and in good working order.  Whoever moves in to my last home gets a lovely clean house to unpack in and a garden that they don't need to think about for a least a couple of weeks.  And every place I move in to takes days of cleaning, bleaching and tidying, not to mention endless trips to the dump to get rid of other people's rubbish (because of course, I took my own rubbish to the dump because I wouldn't dream of leaving it for someone else to deal with).

And it's made me wonder if the only thing I haven't tried yet - accepting the dark thoughts and the feelings of hate, resentment, anger and so on - is the one thing I need to do?  It does feel scary.  I feel guilty for moaning about things because I do appreciate that there are always other people in a far worse situation.  And I do still appreciate the day to day things I do have - a home, a car, enough money to pay my bills and so on.  But I feel like I need to give the other stuff free rein for a while.  My genuine mind set is that I hate social workers and doctors.  I have resisted allowing myself to feel that for many years, because the logical part of me knows it isn't sensible to hate thousands of people because of the job they do.  The sensible part of me knows that individual people have behaved very badly within those professions.  But I'm also aware that they can do it because those sorts of professions allow that sort of abusive behaviour to take place.  The professional is always believed over the parent.  Professionals are aware that a parent whose child is seriously ill or disabled will not have the time or energy for endless complaints and battles so they know that piling on the pressure can make a parent back down or give up.  They also know that, a lot of the time, parents don't see what's being written about them (you have to make a specific request for copies of your own notes) so they can write up all sorts of bullshit and pass it on to others and make them see you in a different light.  Usually I make myself focus on the 'well they're not all bad' approach but at the minute I'm allowing 'they are all arseholes and I hate them all' to take precedence.  What's interesting to me is that my thoughts won't change the way I behave around them - I'm still polite, provide information, turn up on time and so on.  And that made me wonder why I've resisted those thoughts for so long, because I do feel better for thinking "F**k you" to just about everyone, even though I don't say it and they have no idea I think it :)

Lol, I'm rambling, I'm not even sure that made sense.  But essentially what I'm trying to say is that I was always very scared of letting any dark thoughts out but now that I have it actually feels quite nice?

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: lighter on January 08, 2019, 03:07:17 PM ---The negative belongs too, Tupp.  It's part of us, and should have a place.... not be banished, IME.

Noticing it, without judgement as you say, and attending to it... just listening, and letting it know it's a part that belongs, has helped me when facing debilitating anxiety.

I don't notice it helping so much, in daily life, though I'm sure it's got to be helpful at some level.  I'm just not there yet.

I have Dr. G's book, and have read the first pages only.  I'm looking forward to sitting down with it, giving myself time, and really seeing it.  I've been pretty overwhelmed lately, and am grateful you started this thread, ((Tupp)).

Welcome back,
Lighter

--- End quote ---

That's what I'm trying to do, Lighter, is just notice it and accept it without labeling it good or bad.  I do know - from many years of past experience - that I can control myself, however I feel.  So I don't feel scared of losing control and hurting myself or someone else, even thought I feel that some people deserve a slap :)  But I think that's what I'm finding interesting at the minute; how I can be in a dark place mentally but still be able to be a normal human being.  I wonder how much of my positive thinking has been an act to try to distract me from myself.  Probably a rabbit hole too far there :)  But yes, it doesn't feel bad to be doing it and just thinking yep - that was crap.  He's an arsehole.  And not trying to pick in to it too much xx

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on January 08, 2019, 03:53:44 PM ---Tupp, I'm also in favor of this plan. Despite what people will say, what we've been taught - those uncomfortable feelings are still a part of us. And trying to avoid or deny them, usually makes me more miserable.

--- End quote ---

Thanks, Skep, I think that's it - we are taught to keep those sorts of unpleasant things in.  And it isn't pleasant to listen to people who moan all the time; we all know what that's like!  But I think there's a difference, isn't there, between the general moaners and complainers and genuinely having horrible feelings that have been cause by horrible people or events and needing some way of letting them out and dispersing them so that they don't keep bothering us.

Twoapenny:
Well bizarrely Embracing The Dark Side seems to be going well for me!  Perhaps I should really go for it and start dressing as Darth Vadar or something?

I had an appointment with social services yesterday.  You all know my previous interactions with them have been horrendous and it brings up so much stuff for me.  I realised that my anxiety tends to present more as an all over feeling of paralysis and I get a lot of joint and nerve pain when I'm anxious.  I was sick several times the day before because I was dreading it and I made no attempt to make myself feel better or to deal with it in a healthy way or to change the way I thought or felt.  I just got on with my day, feeling dreadful, and feeling resentful that other people's past actions were still having such a negative and debilitating effect on me.

I got to the office yesterday and memories of taking my son into a social care centre when he was four and we were homeless started flooding back, and I let them.  The rude, obnoxious social worker who told me I should go back to where I came from if I didn't like it there and who, after I explained tearfully that my mother and I had fallen out because when I told her my step-father abused me she took his side, told me that if I asked for help from them they would take my son and place him WITH MY MOTHER AND HER CHILD ABUSING HUSBAND.   And then when I walked out, two other social workers chased us down the street and persuaded me to go back inside, saying they would help us.  And then they handed us back over to that vile woman who fabricated an entire case against me (all thrown out; I proved every word she said was a lie).  I took my lovely, sweet, brain damaged boy back in to that revolting lair because I was still so concerned with being 'nice' and doing what I was supposed to that I ignored every bit of me that was screaming 'Run!' and I let that woman destroy my career, my confidence, my sense of self and my relationship with every member of my family.  She set the stage for every single problem that we've had since.  Eleven years on and her actions still cause problems for us now.  So I let it all wash over me as I sat waiting to be seen and when the (new) social worker came in to fetch me I didn't smile at her or shake her hand and say nice to meet you.  I made no effort to be polite, friendly or 'nice' and I didn't try to hide my anxiety either.  I explained my son's disabilities to her, told her I was not prepared to care for him once he turns 18 and generally kept everything business like - and it was fine.

I think in my mind I have this thing that I need to have a Pollyanna type approach to everything in life, making life easier for other people, more agreeable for them, and that somehow I have to keep my mind clean and shiny, too.  But this week has showed me that, actually, just being polite and punctual is enough; I don't need to worry about other people and what they think or need and I don't need to put myself under pressure to be or feel a certain way.  As long as I'm polite then really that's all anyone else has a right to expect of me.

Bizarrely I've also had several emails from people from my past; I only saw them today because I don't use Facebook much anymore.  A couple of them have been there for a few weeks.  One's okay to reply to; he's an ex boyfriend and we catch up every now and again so he's 'safe'.  But I looked at the other two and thought - do I want to get into any sort of contact with them again?  And the answer is no, not really, so I've just ignored them.  And it doesn't feel bad xx

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