Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Embracing The Dark Side
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on February 21, 2019, 06:46:51 PM ---Tupps, do you have time yet to daydream a bit about how you would rebuild your life? What you want it to be?
I'm just asking, because I need to do a bit of that myself. Sure, I can stay busy on the farm... but as Hol continues to remind me: life can be so much more than that. I just don't know how much I WANT to juggle. Ya know?
--- End quote ---
Skep, I am going to sound very grumpy, but I have given up on dreams :) I do feel quite disheartened and disappointed with the way my life has turned out. I've worked very hard, I've always aimed high and really strived and gosh, I've been disappointed with the outcome over and over again. So for the time being I've put dreams to one side and I'm trying to focus on action I can take without having an aim in mind. My health, for example - I can take steps to improve it but I'm not aiming for a particular goal or end point, just trying to live better. I want to start having some time to try different hobbies and activities out to see if I can find things I enjoy doing so that's something I hope to try to start doing this year. Other than that I'm not letting my mind go any further at the minute. Have you got any possibilities up your sleeve at the moment? xx
sKePTiKal:
Not grumpy, Tupps. I can understand that approach. I asked to see where you were with this... 'coz I'm in a never-ending holding pattern about it.
I had contacted my tai chi school, over the mountain, about Hol & I starting classes with everyone else doing section I. That was in January. Well, we had "house guest" here... and I couldn't very well go anywhere and leave him unsupervised. Then, Holly sprained her ankle badly and I bunged up my knee... and well - I think they're close to starting section II, if they haven't already!!
I feel like such a flake; I haven't emailed my teacher yet to explain what happened. It's NOT all that formal at the school; people do just "drop in" as they have time... but I feel what I feel about it, and well, it's like I promised something I couldn't follow through on. I disappointed someone. Maybe. Maybe I'm reading minds, too.
There are lots of "reasons", or "limitations", or as Hol calls them - excuses - for why I don't just go participate in social or group activities, where I could meet some new friends. But I think the main one, is that they come to me -- enough people, that I don't feel isolated at all or have to make the effort to go to them. Yeah, that's too easy isn't it?
Well, I'm about to get ready for my monthly run into the city for my haircut and a little grocery shopping. That's about the extent of my "social life", except next week, when I run back into the city to do my banking and chat with the head teller. LOL.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on February 22, 2019, 08:44:24 AM ---Not grumpy, Tupps. I can understand that approach. I asked to see where you were with this... 'coz I'm in a never-ending holding pattern about it.
I had contacted my tai chi school, over the mountain, about Hol & I starting classes with everyone else doing section I. That was in January. Well, we had "house guest" here... and I couldn't very well go anywhere and leave him unsupervised. Then, Holly sprained her ankle badly and I bunged up my knee... and well - I think they're close to starting section II, if they haven't already!!
I feel like such a flake; I haven't emailed my teacher yet to explain what happened. It's NOT all that formal at the school; people do just "drop in" as they have time... but I feel what I feel about it, and well, it's like I promised something I couldn't follow through on. I disappointed someone. Maybe. Maybe I'm reading minds, too.
There are lots of "reasons", or "limitations", or as Hol calls them - excuses - for why I don't just go participate in social or group activities, where I could meet some new friends. But I think the main one, is that they come to me -- enough people, that I don't feel isolated at all or have to make the effort to go to them. Yeah, that's too easy isn't it?
Well, I'm about to get ready for my monthly run into the city for my haircut and a little grocery shopping. That's about the extent of my "social life", except next week, when I run back into the city to do my banking and chat with the head teller. LOL.
--- End quote ---
Yes, I can identify with all of that! I find socialising tiring, although that depends more on who it's with. What I don't like about groups is that for some reason I often seem to get stuck next to the person who wants to talk about themselves endlessly and I just find that exhausting. I think now if I try to focus on doing some activities that involve other people but focus on doing something and perhaps a bit of chat during a coffee break - that might suit me better. The other thing I thought of is that there is a good live music venue near us. Son loves live music as well and it's a smallish venue (hundreds of people rather than thousands) so it's not too pricey. That might be a good way of being out with people without actually having to talk to them :) There is apparently a forest group that runs for unpaid carers and people with mental health problems - I think I come under both categories! It's on when son is at college so that might be a good one for me to get involved in. Voluntary work is another option - there's a homeless shelter nearby and lots of animal shelters (I saw an ad for a sheep sanctuary the other day! I do love sheep :) ). But yes, if I were in your situation and people came to me I probably wouldn't venture out to much - if it ain't broke don't fix it and all that :)
I have met people that I like but I don't feel confident enough to just ask people if they want to meet up. I was thinking that perhaps I ought to try to get them chatting about their social lives and where they go and see if some sort of event comes up where it would be quite natural to go along together rather than trying to arrange it - perhaps car share or something like that. I don't know, it's something I'll have to think about some more. I would like more people in my real life but I do find the number of people I like spending time with is quite low so I feel like I have to sift through a lot. I do still find it hard to cope with rejection as well so of course someone I like not wanting to spend time with me is still something I need to do more work on to feel comfortable with. But there are some options out there.
We did find a really quirky cafe today. It's in a boat on the river (permanently moored which is good as I get very sea sick). Big log burner inside, loads of old 1950's records and posters all over the walls and ceilings, mannequins in weird outfits, lots of plants, pinball machines and so on. I much prefer that sort of thing to the Starbucks type places so maybe that's what I need to look at as well; finding places that fit my personality and then I guess there's more chance of meeting like minded people. Let me know if you do get along to Tai Chi! Is your knee better now? xx
sKePTiKal:
Thanks for asking; yes, it's better. Navigating in the snow doesn't help it - since everything is up or downhill here. So I keep applying heat to it, during the sit-downs and at night. And then, deliberately stretching, without needing to balance on it much.
Twoapenny:
Glad the knee is a bit better, Skep, and yes, I can see that navigating snow would be tricky! It's often hard to get the balance between doing enough to keep things moving and avoiding seizing up but not overdoing it to the point that you make it worse. I paid the price for going walking when my back was bad a little while ago. I thought the exercise and fresh air would help but I ended up having to turn back, it was so painful I could hardly move by the time I got back to the car and was laid up for several days afterwards. We live and learn!
I had attempted to be more positive earlier in the week but I have realised that dealing with 'paperwork' is enormously triggering for me. I've had a response back to a complaint I made and, to be fair, it's not a bad response. They have agreed that they failed to follow procedure and that son missed out on support as a result of that, which means we can probably get some compensation now - not a huge amount, but enough to pay for some additional support over the summer holidays. I also realised that I had missed the deadline for responding. It had taken my a month to get to a point where I felt I could deal with the letter, so it had sat there unopened all that time. I opened it the day after I needed to respond back but I emailed them to ask for more time, which they've agreed to - very reasonable of them and again, should be seen as a positive for me.
But - there's always a but - I think my body responds regardless of the logic or reality of the situation. I felt relieved, and quite positive, about the situation. Taking it forward from here is relatively straight forward as it isn't a legal situation, it's more about goodwill gestures. So I can ask them for compensation and if they say no, I can write to the Ombudsman and ask them to intervene. They almost always find in favour of the child in cases like this (particularly as Local Authority have already admitted they failed him and that failure means he lost out) so really it shouldn't be a big deal. But I was awake the next morning before 3am and couldn't get back to sleep. I felt more and more unwell as the day went on. Headache, stomach ache, steadily escalating anxiety, chest pains, irritability, brain fog and a crushing exhaustion that made everything feel like too much work. I slept better last night but feel like I've climbed a mountain or something. I'm very tired, everything aches, my head hurts and I'm struggling to get anything done. I felt fine before I opened the letter - I'd even go so far as to say I felt good - and now I feel dreadful again. So I think my new research project will have to be on finding ways to stop the body reacting to everything in such a negative way. It doesn't feel like it's my mind that's the problem now.
In other news, the friends thing is bugging me and I'm finding I feel too tired to deal with it. I do feel that I'm becoming more and more reclusive. I don't want to be, but I'm finding people exhausting. I haven't seen the friend who I've been struggling with - she seems to have been keeping her distance as well. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. Another friend cancelled our plans at the last minute again - I think that's the fourth time now. As soon as she cancels she starts arranging another get together. I find it exhausting and had another friend where we lived before who was like this. We are no longer friends :( Son's birthday outing is on Sunday - have invited people but not had definite responses from most yet so feel a bit deflated about having to chase people up. Just grumbling really - I think I do need to focus on getting out more doing things I enjoy and just hoping that some of the other people doing them are nice and I get on with them. Anyway, that's my negative update for today lol xx
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