Relationship/s

[sKePTiKal]

Eh... let all that go Hops and take care your cold. It'll still be there to deal with, if it's important. Did M come back with you or is he traveling separately because of his obligations?

[Hopalong]

Thanks, CB...I still sound gross and am coughing some but feel MUCH better. Not leaving the house, just lazing about. Tomorrow I do have to go out...bank, echocardiogram and cardiac monitor install. Then I'll come back and resume lazing.
One friend dropped by (the one who raced me to the ER and was there for it) but I've told everybody else I'm not up to going out or meeting up quite yet.

Lighter, you are right...Pooch was clearly delighted I returned but got over it much too fast. She was so mellowed out that I considered her underwhelmed. Tee hee. It's actually the best possible reaction, no clinging, no acting traumatized. I'd use that sitter again in a heartbeat. And you're right, that trip was intense! (But wonderful.) I did miss her though, and it was lovely to have her to think about.

Amber, M and I left Paris on the same day but from two different terminals. Me to Norway, him to Jerusalem for 3 days of guest lectures at the university, then he's heading to Istanbul as he's never been and wants to see certain antiquities and the Blue Dome, then for a few days with old friends in Madrid where he also once had a house. He returns in a week.

I'll be glad to see him but am enjoying the break, too. We've done some really good emailing, I think. And he left me the key to his fabulous cloistered neighborhood pool so I can take friends there. They can swim and I'll enjoy watching them from the shade or stick my legs in (doubt I can swim with a monitor on!).

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

The trip sounds amazing, Hops, the journey home sounds like hell, bless you!  I'm glad Pooch was so happy and well looked after and that friends organised home coming stuff for you.  Are you feeling a bit better now?  I'm glad you and M enjoyed yourselves on the trip; it sounded like it could have gone either way because of what had gone on before   So I'm glad it went the better way of the two   I hope you've been able to get your feet up and recover a bit now xx

[Hopalong]

Feeling much better, thanks Tupp!
Got out again yesterday, took a friend to M's pool, and except for one mother and child for the first half, we wound up with the entire place to ourselves. Ridiculous, on a hot day in July. It was gorgeous. I just kicked from the side and then simply walked back and forth in the water (could splash but couldn't submerge the monitor) but it was wonderful. Residual cough is on its way out.

M comes home the 18th and has written me lovely travelogue emails daily, and is so eager to see me again. Me too. I am also aware that after the stroke, I will be more at peace about setting and holding boundaries and not letting him power over, ooze through, cajole or frantic-ize his way across them. I think that will be essential to building a healthy relationship going forward, and despite his moments of discomfort or frustration, I think he should be able to grow and get calmer. If he isn't capable of that growth, then that's another decision for another day. But at least I feel clear on what my job is. It really is to take care of myself, and that includes within our relationship.

I'm going to be happy to see him too. And I feel more open and affectionate toward him because of the two intense things we've just shared: the hospitalization and the trip. I have a feeling we've each learned some important things and time will tell me whether that's true and continuing.

Appreciate you checking! It means SO much to have this place to offload it all and I get such wisdom back.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I was just reflecting that it's important to have a group of Amazon ladies, to run all the crazy relationship stuff past for a 2nd opinion. For me, anyway. I have such a strong and wayward imagination I kinda fear deceiving myself. Especially in that first flush of excitement about "this is really happening". And in my case, happening so fast, I swear my head is spinning in Linda Blair fashion. LOL.

And then, that first moment of peace settles in and the relationship seems more "cozy" than anything else, and one can't believe one deserves such good fortune. But of course, rationally, there is a long list of reasons WHY we do. It doesn't diminish the gratitude one bit.

[Meh]

How did the follow up with the doc go?

[Hopalong]

Thanks for asking, G!
Last thing was on Friday, getting a cardiac monitor (30 day) put on and also an echocardiogram. Haven't heard the results yet.

I don't have to go back to the Stroke Center for the bigger followup until October, so they must not be too worried about me. But maybe once I mail the monitor back in they'll get in touch if there's anything alarming.

I'm betting not, but that my task is to do what I know I need to do for general health (diet, exercise, etc). The specific thing I'm thinking about is not being so emotionally reactive to M's stuff. I realize there's nothing malicious, but when even a good man slips into entitlement or "I think I'm in charge" behavior, something inside me reacts like a trapped weasel. I think that goes all the way back to my brother, and is something I'm going to talk about with the T.

Surely my emotional state is something I can do something about too, not just my body.

I'll keep y'all posted. But I'm feeling much better and looking forward to the heat wave passing so I feel like walking again. Meanwhile, there's an indoor track nearby (no excuses) and even M's pool.

Been lazy all week getting over jet lag and cold, but I pick him up at the airport tomorrow night and think that'll give me some energy too. He thinks it'll take him a week too...in your 70s it's different, no more one-day turnaround.

Several months left for swimming and I'd be a fool not to take advantage of it.

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Splashing around in a nice pool sounds really great, Hops.

Maybe make spa water with watermelon, and cucumber, my favorites.

I'm glad you're feeling better: )

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Smart Hops...

Yes, I think too, that the internal emotional upsets are just as much stress - and even harder on us - than manual labor. I'll bet this dive into those issues is going to be very freeing for you.

Water forms of therapy are some of the easiest on old muscles and joints (impacts on joints causes so much wear & tear on the cushioning) and it's also relaxing and feels great in this heat.

Glad your partner in fun is returning soon!

[Hopalong]

Thanks, ((((Amber)))). I think you're right and think my surges of fear and self protection have probably been accompanied by BP spikes all along. The test results refer to "embolism" which I think is the fancy word for "clot". Hence, blood thinners. But I can't imagine that feeling THAT upset (as I was when he swanned into what he perceived as D rescue) didn't have an effect on my body, my blood vessels, my BP.

Hence, calm. Swimming. Mellow times with M and should he become too un-mellow, my feet must take me home or into retreat. I don't know how well this New Me (hopefully) will go, but I am going to try to explain it to him pre-emptively and kindly.

He has a looooooong way to go in terms of self-knowledge. The good thing is that he reacted to his first T session with interest and excitement and I think if it engages his intellect first (which it has) then his emotional habits underneath will eventually come up enough for him to see them.

It's a large bet, and I can't be sure. But all in all, I'm happy I'll be seeing him at the airport tonight. I'm hoping I'm not back on here in days or weeks all crushed about a new episode of the old behavior. Having just had a wee stroke, I would see that as a challenge for me to put survival above relationship.

(Then again, in fairness, I need to remember that I had a similar though much milder episode of this--not being able to retrieve words--a couple years before we met. So M is just one new among pre-existing factors that will either support my wellbeing or undermine it. And that'll involve taking in the whole picture, best I can. I will need to watch, remain calm, look at my life and our interactions and take it from there....)

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Maybe it's different past experiences, or different personalities or both... but when I say I have to pull back from Buck and sort out something that's my job to deal with, he lets me go do. And vice versa. That said, 24 hrs doesn't go by without a check-in.

I think I stumbled over something important in yesterday's farm post. About stop struggling. I'm not entirely sure what's important about that (the heat is really affecting me; as well as adjusting to his late night schedule) but I'll see what it is, eventually.

[Hopalong]

That's so wonderful. I can't imagine you being with a whiner or a clutcher.

I have breathed through some of that with M and as I mentioned, it was nearly an end to us. But he also breathed through some of my trapped-weasel fury (over entitlement and stuff he does without thinking).

After all this breathing, we seem (so far) to be coming to the surface and looking at each other with less fear and more trust. Both the hospital and the trip brought us closer.

I hope B's ordeal will knit you two even closer in ways that help you both endure. He is a very lucky man. And it shows that even on a mountain, a woman who wants love can find it.

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Oh... I think he's been stalking me for some time. Like years. I just paid no attention because I had Mike, moving, starting over on my plate... and he had 2 years of 5 surgeries and all the complications. But in hindsight, I can see now what I didn't notice then - and what I find interesting, is that over the years, we have reached out to one another at various times for different things. He never pressed; just bided his time. And I frankly, wasn't available for different reasons over that time - but I instinctively knew he was a very nice man and he demonstrated that without presuming. I HAD had some fleeting "thoughts" but I didn't seriously entertain them.

When all the guys were scaring the crap out of me, about what could go wrong with the bobcat - it was Buck that convinced me I could master this. When I needed advice about this or that... he was able to explain it to me in a way that made me confident I could manage it. And when I got stuck or confused, he bailed me out and even SHOWED me what he was doing and why it needed to be done.

The sense I have, is that he's been lonely a long time and had about given up finding a partner that understands what kind of man he is and doesn't want to change that. My just being there and caring - is the most important thing for him. I think I can do that, without smothering him. He and I are the same species of human being, I think.

[sKePTiKal]

Having fun this week Hops? Feeling better?

[Hopalong]

Thanks, hon!
I'm better, though heartily sick of the chest monitor, which itches like fury and means I can only walk back and forth in the pool (just beneath-boob high). Maddening. And the heat's getting to me.

But...all is well with M. He seems to have calmed down a lot, I think maybe because he's feeling more secure with me. We're having dinner tonight.

The heat has been a brutal reminder of humans not governing themselves and I'm pretty depressed about politics.

Other than well, doing fine.

Went to visit my dying friend yesterday in a nearby city. M drove me and went to the museum while she and I had our visit. Sad and poignant but I'm glad I got to see her. On our own, M and I had fun...lunching at a great Greek place, walking in our favorite district, buying flowers for her from a lovely young man.

Will report more later...and check in about B. on your farm life thread.

Hugs
Hops