Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
lighter:
Ok.... a huge renovation possibly in the works for Hops. Along with a new marriage. And moves, and setting up her little cottage for what comes next.
I'm with you, Hops, about being a bit shy over renovating houses.
It's not a bad dream for new construction is it?
Everything new, and working, and under warranty.
Whatever happens, enjoy it: )
Lighter
Hopalong:
Thanks, guys.
Light, I've actually always disliked new construction, which unless it's architecturally quirky and imaginative, to me feels soulless. Most fancy new developments, even high end ones, leave my heart cold. I crave character in a home a lot. You've got a major point, though, about what's easier. And it might be that at this point in life it's time to compromise on things I crave in favor of things that are practical. We'll see...no news on that front anyway.
As to marriage? We are not engaged. I don't feel ready to be. But it's good we can touch on the subject with that goal in mind as we go forward.
Just had a really difficult time with M that was noone's fault, but illustrated a difference in our personalities. His charming over-the-topness, hyperfocus, and man-in-charge stuff is at times wonderful, refreshing and even comforting. Until it's not. I'm very sensitive and slowly am realizing that although I know he is GOOD, that doesn't mean he is also sensitive. Sometimes he bulls ahead with a topic or behavior that's quite sensitive for me, and gets all absorbed in his own goal and it is alienating. I was very upset about it yesterday and now am worried whether under the stresses of life and aging, we'll be compatible in all the ways we ideally should be.
Then again, things take time, and his distress at recognizing that he's been hurtful is genuine.
I'll leave it at that for now and will probably be reporting soon that it's all better and the happy feelings are back in full.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
I don't know, Hops. It seems to me that everyone has 10 good things and 10 bad things. True relationship requires we love the bad things, as much as the good things, IME. We at least make peace with them, and recognize the ways they stretch us as human beings, who require the same grace in return, IME.
And that's what this will be, Hops. Bestowing grace on this man when he's doesn't necessarily deserve it, bc that's who you are to him now. The kind person who explains what's in your heart, so he understands, when things are difficult. You speak to him the way you want him to speak to you, and you make sure you're heard. It appears he wants to hear you.
And he'll be kind right back.
That said, things aren't always going to be smooth sailing. Relationships are work. I think we sometimes have unrealistic expectations about just how much work is required.
My mother used to say...
"Once you give up your freedom, it's gone."
I think that applies to all kinds of things. Once we accept not being heard, not being understood... it gets too hard to fight our way back. Better to pipe up, when the timing's right, and keep things clear.
I think you're doing a marvelous job of that, btw. You aren't living in fear. You're forging ahead in avery brave fashion, iMO.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Thanks, Lighter. I really appreciate that.
I think what happens when we have a disagreement or "off" phase is that M becomes overwhelmed with anxiety. And then, he begins bits of what seem to me like passive-aggression. I don't want to overreact, because 90% of the time he's not that way at all.
Example: If we've had a misunderstanding or difficult moment to work through, and I've retreated for a bit, he will absolutely flood me with messages about his overwhelming love for me, repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating it....until it doesn't feel like being loved so much as badgered.
I mean, when someone says "I love you" and your honest response in that moment is, "You've told me that..." something is amiss.
I've tried to explain it. Yesterday that came up (the frantic repetitions). I explained to him that sometimes hearing it too often wasn't helping. So as he began to email me early this morning, he began including at the end of his message: "Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...." It had that whiff of something I don't like reading in an email.
So I just wrote: What is Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo?
He said, it's what I want to say but am not allowed to say so I find another way to say it.
I wrote back that to me, it seemed as though if someone says they're feeling uncomfortable and you invent a code that just lets you do what you want anyway, that's not progress. Something like that.
I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill but I have pretty sensitive radar for when email is going toxic. I tried to explain it, then just asked that we talk later today and stop email for now. I hope he'll be able to understand.
(I got into horrible spaces in an email relationship years ago that made me forever cautious about relying on it for actual connection. I told him that we're okay, but since our connection had been tested recently, I think it's important to be clear and careful when we write each other.)
????? Does that make sense?
Hops
lighter:
It makes sense, Hops.
I'm wondering if a good T, specializing in codependence, wouldn't be helpful for you and M to see together, and apart.
It seems like you've hammered out how you feel, what your comfort levels are, and what you want more, and less of.
M needs help learning how to tolerate his discomfort with your boundaires, which spirals into distress, which spills into your in box. It's a process. he won't master it quickly, but I'm hoping he has support enough to move him through with economy of motion. For his sake, and particularly yours.
Maybe a shared T, weekly, for while? And he keeps his T, and you keep yours.
Lighter
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