Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
lighter:
Just a gentle reminder that red flags can pop up after the initial hoop hopping has passed, IME. After you feel fully grounded, and set on a certain particular joyful path, IME.
These flags tend to creep in.... over small things.... once we've put expectations in place. I think I've heard it explained like this..... "They've been good enough, long enough, that they can do anything to us, and we'll take it." In other words, they did what they needed to do, to gain our complete trust, and belief in them. That complete trust is a powerful thing.
If we hear it, and fail to speak up that first time....
If we see it, and close our eyes that first time....
it's that very first excuse we make to explain away a red flag, to ourselves, we have to watch for, IME.
We can't make an excuse. We have to call them on it, state that boundary, and follow up with the consequences SHOULD THEY FAIL TO COMPLY WITH THE BOUNDARY, and be prepared to follow through, IME. That's the magic in avoiding unhealthy attachments, IME.
I think you'd see it, and remain fierce feminist Hops, but I had to put it on the board, just in case. I'm watchful that way.
Again, I'm so happy for you, Hops!
Lighter
Hopalong:
Yes, thanks Lighter.
I will never allow myself to overlook any serious red flag. I promise.
When I married my second husband who shortly became Mr. Hyde, I let the whole mess endure for seven years, believing in words more than behavior. What I boiled into my bone marrow after that (and being single since 1995 and saying plenty of Nos) ... was that if it meant leaving on my honeymoon, leaving after day one, week one, year one, for the rest of my life I would exercise my right to LEAVE.
If it became necessary, I'd do it again. In a heartbeat. I am not afraid.
xxoo (but thank you for your wariness anyway, I'm really grateful, and feel free to remind me ANY time you hear me rationalizing something here, please.)
Twoapenny:
Oh Hops, this is so lovely to read :) Wow. You two really do sound like a good match. I understand completely the sort of 'let's just get on with it' feeling - and in some I'd see that as a warning sign but, as you've said, you've walked these paths before and your eyes are very open. He does sound great and I love the fact that he isn't upset or offended by your refusals or requests for something different. I've found myself thinking about relationships a lot lately and I think the ones that work are the ones where the other person knows our blindspots and our dark areas and embraces them as part of who we are (and that we are able to do that for them).
Completely understand the pearls thing, I have the same issue with heels, which I used to wear a lot because it's what "women do". I am finding I'm rejecting a lot of femininity as I get older, particularly with regard to things like dying my hair (to cover the grey) and worrying about wrinkles. My son has concluded that the bath is some sort of anti aging device, as you wrinkle when you're in it but the wrinkles smooth away once you get out :)
I love the image of Coco Chanel sitting on a tack :) And yes, I get what you say about friends. I have friends, I have places I can go, I have things I can do but there isn't anyone to sit up late with and just talk about whatever we want to talk about. I miss that.
I'm delighted for you. He sounds a much better match than B, sweet hearted though he was. Can you just keep the two pianos? I like the idea of one for everyday and one for best :) Lol xx
lighter:
Tupp, now I have this image of Hops having crazy dueling piano dinner parties; )
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on April 03, 2019, 09:25:03 AM --- Tupp, now I have this image of Hops having crazy dueling piano dinner parties; )
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Lol, whilst having "who can wear the craziest socks" competitions and flinging strings of pearls from upstairs windows :) I can't wait to hear all about it :) xx xx
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