Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
sKePTiKal:
OH MY Hops. I'm glad you were able to be with your new friend during what is surely a time complicated by being away from home. I'd think that helped more than you will ever know.
Leads me to suggest perhaps it would be a good idea to carry those documents in digital format with you, when traveling out of the country. A thumb drive is small enough to get added to a jewelry pouch.
(((((Hops)))))
Hopalong:
Great suggestion, Amber! Thanks.
I decided to skip the week-in-California with a houseful of kids and grandkids and am glad I am. He'll be out there first for a week for a lecture, then back for a week, then back out for their traditional boys' birthday week (the sons were born on the same day years apart). And M LOVES traditions. So I'll get to miss him for a week (while hopefully focusing on my own stuff), enjoy him being back for a week (we do happy reunions well), and enjoy another break after! I think it'll be a good thing for perspective. We still have a trip to Spain planned for April but agreed I could wait to commit until a month before departure, so he could get tickets refunded. I may ask him to just change it so we're not driving so much; simplify it to a week in one place and a week in another, instead of driving for hours every day to cover so much ground. Or I may just decide this isn't the year for so much travel for me.
Things are generally going a lot better, largely due to the T. M is listening, or trying strenuously to, and the T's observations really help. He told M yesterday that his 50-year habit of commenting is what he's been most rewarded for in his life, and because T has worked with many brilliant people in this university community, he's observed that M's issues with not dominating and struggling to listen are common among academics. He said, "You have rewarded all your life for what you say, but not for what you hear."
I thought that was brilliant. The other thing is I go in there and just unload in great detail about what I worry or have difficulty about with M, and how various behaviors of his (nonstop talk, not allowing silences, racing mind) affect me. And M really listens then, though one can see him struggle not to be composing his reply. The other thing I value a lot about what we're doing together is that he has never once given me any resentment or blowback about anything I bring up in T, no matter how bluntly. Sometimes he worries that I don't understand how much he loves me, and that his deep intention toward me is 100% and all that. But he also told me he knows that what I'm doing is trying to resolve anxieties I have about relationships and that he supports the process completely. I find that remarkable and reassuring.
The T also said to him, "When you listen to Hops, I notice that your eyes are busy moving all around." I mentioned that I'd brought up lack of eye contact early in our relationship. I think this T is picking up on some ADHD stuff and also the real impact for M of having an overactive mind. In scholarship and his career, it's been incredible. In relationship, it can present obstacles to intimacy.
Despite all that, I am feeling better about him. And closer to a sense that we really might make it long term.
One step at a time. One day at a time. We had a lovely dinner to celebrate the first anniversary of the day we met. He came with roses. Not hard to enjoy roses!
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Big smilie faces and hugs Hops.
Sounds like you're both finding a way forward.
lighter:
Hops:
It sounds like things are going along pretty well. I'm still loving your T. Rewarded for what M says, not what he hears.... that makes sense. I hope it helps M SEE.
You chose to skip the Cali trip... I think that was wise, particularly while you guys sort communication styles and habits.
I'm going back a bit, but wonder what M criticized you about in the jungle, if not things like what you bring up in T sessions. Were they logical things, or were they illogical? You don't have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable. I noticed you seem to be guarding the relationship a bit more.... which I see as positive for the relationship.
Just an observation and not necessarily reality.
Happy anniversary, Hops! I love sticking my nose into roses..... smelling them.. feeling their cool soft petals on my face.
Lighter
Hopalong:
I'd say illogical, Lighter. He was reacting to emotional pressures he was feeling too.
I've come to understand a lot more about him since being with his family, seeing the intense load of expectations he's been under his whole life (and rebelled from), seeing the deep devotion and sense of duty he has to so many relatives, and seeing his inner conflict because he's more at home here (and in Europe) now, than there.
I think CR was destabilizing for him, and he was trying to defend an identity that's actually been shaken loose. But he couldn't articulate that at the time, and I was just struggling.
It sure as heck was destabilizing for me. A hard trip but a very valuable one. He seems so relieved that the condo in San Jose is gone, like one more tentacle has let him go. I look forward, if all goes well, to returning with him sometime. For a week, not three. And in a comfortable hotel instead of in two homes that were about his past and a whole different dream, now ended. He's now mentioned maybe selling the jungle house too. He told me today after his exercise class that he just wants to focus more on taking care of himself, enjoying simpler things, and taking care of me.
I can't even recall the exact things he picked at me about at the jungle house. And at this point, I'm not really worried about it any more. We've made such huge progress since. And, since one of your posts, I remember I always have a choice.
He's a good man. And he's working hard at learning some very very new material about the self. I'm more relaxed around him than I've been yet, because we're communicating better. And I do sense he's really looking inside in a way he never has before. We'll see how it goes....
Hops
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