Bingo. Substitute "M" for "she" and it's exactly the pattern:
She thinks so fast she's already responding to where she thinks I'm going to go often; and often she's WRONG.
I think my dear M is so accustomed to his mega-intellect being admired (hugely, in his profession) that he's developed a habit of believing his own press, in that he just thinks if his mouth is moving, he's speaking truth. I often call him on it but disagreeing (and it's funny, he'll seem both startled and delighted).
In our domestic world, he's ridiculously arrogant sometimes, boring sometimes, funny sometimes, maddening sometimes, stimulating and entertaining sometimes. If our Sikh can help us both have conversations rather than dueling monologues and dueling battles for attention/space/oxygen...we'll have a great future!
Last session, we talked about listening and something really good happened. I was explaining how I was feeling about the interrupting and being cut off, and described the whole exchange M and I had had over the advice column, including M's email reply: "
Yes of course, and I'm working on it,
but we all do it, and
it's because we're enthusiastic about a topic or excited about the person, and it should never
be misread as an intent to dominate."
Pondering that, I realized it was a complete encapsulation of M's pattern, imo. The T had pointed out previously that M tends in response to say something that sounds like affirmation (
Yes of course I understand what you're saying) followed rapidly by contradicting (
But/However). There are actual steps to it:
I explain my frustration over being talked over and interrupted so much. M:
1) Affirms: Yes of course I understand (and am working on it)
2) Contradicts: But/However
3) Reframes/New explanation: It's only because I'm such an enthusiastic person and excited about talking to you...(implied: who'd be so mean as to criticize that?)
4) Deflects: Changes the subject (to himself)
5) Summarizes Good Intent: refers back to My Always-Pure Intentions (you therefore are Wrong to suggest I'm trying to dominate, which I'd neeeeeever do).
We went through it again, and this time I just relaxed and listened. At Step 4, M went into an amazing Deflection that went on at least 5 full minutes (quite a stretch in therapy-time): He'd had such a terrible week because one son's job is shaky now, a son-in-law is getting divorced, and Covid-19 (all of which he'd told me about days before, but was presenting as news for the T). It was powerful because basically, he went on and on in tremendous detail about HIS distress. Then the T asked me what I'd heard, and I was able to say:
I hear a pattern. He first affirms, then contradicts my story and reframes it, and then deflects and changes the subject to HIS distress, and prevents challenge by summing up his pure intentions. I am certainly capable of attempts to dominate at times as most people are, but M's repeated references to his pure heart and good intentions muzzle me. And after all that, my initial issue never got dealt with.What was good about it is I am convinced that the Sikh sees and hears and spots every layer and nuance of all this (as he does with my stuff too) and that over time, if I'm patient, he has a real chance of helping M see himself. I know he's helped me see important things like problems trusting, issues with feeling unsafe with any male who's not as gentle as my Dad was, which was extreme).
Anyhow, I was very excited about that session. It made me hopeful. And also, the Sikh says to M: In your world and your work, you are the smartest person in the room. (M looks delighted to hear this.) But in this room, about human behavior, I am the smartest person in the room. (M squirms but also looks intrigued.) Funny!
The T told M that the missing piece is M noticing and checking back with me, ever. Such as: Did I respond to what you were asking me? Does this make sense to you? Or particularly (I'm noticing this more and so is the T) -- are you aware of Hops' face? Stop, look at her face right now. (M's eyes are darting everywhere else.) The T keeps encouraging M to actually tune in. He told M he has an over-developed frontal lobe and is missing info that will be helpful. M says, I need a lobotomy.
I'm probably making all this sound like piling-on-poor-M, but the truth is he is enjoying this, mostly. He is being taught, which isn't common for him, but he's very motivated to make our relationship work, he never acts resentful about it, and he and the Sikh do a lot of bonding and laughing also. I think this therapy is fantastic.
hugs
Hops
