A couple times, Tupp. He sent me two informational things on Covid and a photo essay about dogs (added that "he'd agonized for a week" over sending that), and I sent him a pic and video of a very large bear crossing the intersection close to his house where he often walks, captioning it "your new neighbor." We each were in a way trying to take care of the other. His dog-pix was different, an attempt to rekindle memories/feelings, but I didn't reply so there was no further back and forth. Slippery slope. Generally, he's respected my boundary.
Amber, couldn't agree with you more. Years ago when I absolutely hit bottom with failed relationships, the #1 cause was that I'd fantasized my brains out about someone I'd only been with a short while, or about what I wanted to happen in future with someone ditto, and became nearly deluded with hopes and fantasy. It was out of great loneliness (living with Nmom) and also an imagination on steroids. And my capacity to rely on not-in-person communications like emails (being a writer) to build the dream. NOT good for me. I was not maturely reckoning with different factors I should have, from the get go.
Since that time I became pretty fierce about forcing myself to embrace, value and respect reality. Reality is my friend became a personal mantra. Likewise, emotional availability and reciprocity.
Your outcome with Buck is one to dream of, but not in my situation something to "expect" or "make happen." As you say, I need to meet and build in the real, observe and enjoy. But first of all, always, observe.
Had a first chat on the phone with the fellow who lives 45 minutes away (in a gorgeous old house, not that I Googled him and even his ex, of course). He's friendly and we enjoyed it. We have a lot in common so he's going to be fun to meet as friends regardless, which we'll do at a winery or brewery halfway in a few weeks (I'm limping and in pain and want to feel better before we do).
He's a "B" too--a storyteller and musician. (Did things professionally similar to my early Poet in the Schools stuff, ran a contra dance program and a traditional music radio show that was well known. Think, fiddle. Still does music gigs.) Was married twice before and is separated from his third wife--I hadn't spotted that. I said I'm not judging but may I ask, were you involved with Wife #2 before the divorce from Wife #1? He said yes, that's what happened, and then Wife #2 years later left him for someone else. I told him his karma was repaired. Red flag down for his honesty, but back up for passive voice (it "happened" rather than "I chose to...").
I lied about not judging because part of me does, but busting myself for blatant hypocrisy corrects me most of the time. During my first marriage when I was so lonely and unhappy I thought I'd break, I had a one night (well, one hour) stupid empty fling with a married man I'd become fixated on at work, who was moving out of state the next day. I felt terribly guilty and confessed. My husband forgave me pretty quickly; on some level he knew he was neglecting me and our child, but I didn't forgive myself for a long time. Much later during the years I lived with my mother, I was working in California half of each month and fell in love with my married boss (who told me his marriage was dead, affectionless, "staying just for the kids" etc.). Again, physically, it was a brief and unsatisfying fling on that level. But I remained in love with him for many wasted years because we were soulmates in ways. Very painful and pointless in the long run. It took place largely in extraordinary correspondence.
I think infidelity happens because we aren't ready either to face facts about our own existing marriage and act responsibly to resolve it one way or another, or if single, we aren't ready to be with a person who is completely free to choose us. Now, I normally do not meet or date anyone who is only separated, not divorced, so I'm a little surprised I am looking forward to meeting this B person. I think it's because of Covid, as I'm so sick of isolation. And he does sound like friend material. He's a good talker. I had come from a depressing two-hour discussion group that got very dark and apocalyptic about politics and he told me a story to cheer me up. It was a long involved ridiculous tale about a man who adopted a centipede. I could see how he did this for schools, other groups and radio and it made me laugh. We also knew a musician in common and had some overlap that way.
Not a whole lot to laugh about these days, so that was nice. BUT...it's against my "rules" so it will be important to me when we meet-at-eight-feet, to be sure that I say to him: "I don't normally meet anyone new on purpose who isn't fully legally free." And I made sure to say on the phone "find new friends" etc. I didn't have trouble understanding his reasoning, I just don't think it's wise. He said the way he looks at it is he won't get the divorce unless "something happens" and there's a reason to. That's his call, maybe he doesn't want to spend the money on it. Then again, how does his ex view it? Since he sees his ex often as they still co-own another property (she lives there and he fixes it up)...I think that's an "emotionally unsafe" position for a new woman in his life, should love happen.
She gets to wait around to see if he reciprocates, but also risks investing a lot of time and feeling in someone who's in limbo and hasn't made a clear decision or isn't inclined to. She could thus if she's not careful invest a lot of time and feeling and remain uncertain and unsure a lot longer than necessary. In that sense I agreed with M, who was always talking about life being too short especially at our age.
So for now, I'm just looking forward to a fun afternoon meet with a fun fellow. But no fantasies. If there's an obvious or potential connection between us that's obvious right away, I'll make sure to say out loud right away: "This has been fun but for my own sake, I won't make plans to see you again until you are legally free. I hope we might connect again once you're free to move on." (My guess is there are financial reasons it hasn't happened so far, his 1920 house would be a money pit.)
Even when you defy them or fail, being raised with rigid morals never quite leaves, I think. Maybe the "B" one-date plan is an experiment with seeing if there's a middle ground I could live with. But I'm too vulnerable to mess about. He's fairly recently separated and probably online because he's lonely like me. At least he didn't lie about it.
Thots?
hugs
Hops
