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Relationship/s

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Twoapenny:
I think being able to self soothe just isn't matched to the current situation, Hopsie.  Under normal circs you'd probably not have been affected by that, she'd probably not have said it it (and it may be that she wasn't meaning it in a sarcastic way, her tone might be off because she's more anxious than usual?  I know I'm more heightened when we're at doctors appointments and I do get sarcastic during those quite often, I think it's nerves?  So maybe that's a factor). I do wonder - and I'm not sure if I'm going to express myself well with this - if people who are more intelligent, creative, eager to discuss (which are the kind of things you like and are drawn to) are also more likely to have certain personality traits - a tendency to lecture, not hear the other person, keep talking when they're asked not to and so on - that are just kind of part of the package?  A bit like that article Dr G posted about depression and intelligence.  Maybe some things that aren't great to be on the receiving end of are linked to people who are very bright/well qualified/creative etc.  I remember many years ago crying at my therapy appointment because I felt so depressed and I felt I was letting my baby down by not being able to be cheerful all the time and feeling so wretched and the therapist, God love her, said to me that maybe he'd prefer a mum who was intelligent, passionate, creative, hard working and devoted to him, who sometimes got down, than one who never got depressed but also never did much else either.  It's always stayed with me.  I know people who are perfectly inoffensive, they never trigger me or make me feel uncomfortable - but they also never delight me or enthrall me with the things they say or make me feel gloriously excited to spend time with them.  I'm not sure entirely what I'm wittering on about now, lol, I'm kind of talking to myself.  But maybe along the lines of the overall package - more good bits than bad and the bad being that distinction between ' a bit annoying or thoughtless' and 'abusive and makes me feel terrible'.  I know I was talking to a friend the other day who goes out with crazy women - violent, possessive, huge mood swings, sleep with his friends, say terrible things about him to people, steal his money and so on.  Every one is the same.  He's just split up with the last one and is in a really bad way, has lost friends over her but said to me that he finds normal women boring.  That's extreme, of course, but it did make me wonder about what we look for in people and whether we have to constantly balance what we need or desire (intelligence, passion, creativity, travel, excitement etc) with what we can get (some of those things along with being over bearing, farting a lot, not being able to watch a film they didn't choose and so on) and just keep balancing in our minds whether the good outweighs the bad and whether the bad is an occasional annoyance or a constant problem.  I am waffling and I'm not entirely sure why lol, I think I need coffee!  Anyway, regardless of all of that, I'm glad a bit of equilibrium has returned to your day, Hopsie, and hope that continues xx

sKePTiKal:
I can understand and appreciate how the anxiety spiral affects everything else, Hops. I'd worry about you more if it didn't. LOL... you're still feeling; that's GOOD. You're still thinking and trying to put things into perspective about interpersonal exchanges; that's GOOD. Right along with the anxiety.

Sun came up again today - that's also GOOD.

;)

Hopalong:
Hey again.
Amber, the comment you made about needing conversation on Farm Life brought this up.

I miss presence and conversation a LOT. That's why, despite a lot of initial fear of it,  I'm grateful M and I have formed a friendship from the ashes. It's real. Affection is more visible just in our attitudes toward each other. Stakes are low, we just check in, and when we see each other (about once a week, occasionally twice) it's just about talking and company. Now that there's no future-planning or shared-life-building, there's a feeling of ease.

Same time, it's a sorrow we couldn't make it work for the Big Dream I had. I still pretend I could go out once life starts up again and find a mate I could love AND live with.

But the truth is, I do still love M. It's not romantic passion (and that's fine by me) but it is companionable and reliable and real. He's still his compulsive self but his dominating behavior seems to have disappeared. That's likely only because we're NOT merging homes and lives (which triggered his hyper-executive, paternalistic and driven way of wanting to design, decide and be in charge of nearly everything, which drove me mad). And also because the pandemic's restrictions have caused him to appreciate me in a new way, I think. He's also now reduced in size and in power-behavior. By a lot around me, anyway. He still has his scholarly arena where he gets to do all his ego stuff, but where he is also doing good and having a positive impact on thousands. So that's the right arena for his ... bigness.

I can feel his gratitude about me. And it's surprising. I hurt him hard when I left him last summer. I had no choice. But he's found his way to forgiving me, and seems to truly value our time together in a new way. He's not QUITE as one-way with the talking as he used to be. I see him fight with himself to listen more often. (Never for long stretches, mind you!).

He's still egotistical, but what's new is that I can see and feel his vulnerability. Having the universe slam the door shut on his jumping-on-airplanes escape has been a huge blow to him. I think he's reevaluating his life and what matters, as everybody is. The plague got his attention, for sure.

Anyway, I'm trying to avoid fantasy that this year might have changed him in big enough ways that we could wind up living together. But that's maybe risky so I'm trying to turn that off.

I do know that we both kind of light up when we see each other. In me, it's pure gratitude for having one human whom I know pretty well be in my life and safe to see and hug and talk to in person. How huge that is, and how easy before the plague it was to figure that I could replace one stronger connection with a dozen shallow ones.

Regardless of how life turns out or how long it is, I know my time with M hasn't been wasted. I've learned a great deal about myself in the struggle. It's sad that because of our personalities' layers of INcompatibility, it actually felt dangerous to me, stress wise. I feel that a lot less after this period, but I also don't know whether  that dynamic would revert right back to what it was once all this is over.

Wish I did know.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
That's an interesting question Hops - about whether things would revert; or if there would be continued moderation and lowering of intensity. And it will probably take some time/experience to answer that for certain for yourself.

I haven't ever tried to be friends with an ex; just no point given the massive hurt involved in those breakups. I did try to get back with Hol's dad briefly; it was based on dire economic circumstances - and at the time, I'd convinced myself that since I already knew him, I knew what I was in for - and since I was older now, and presumably wiser - I could manage it. LOLOLOLOLOLOL... big mistake! He irritated me and drove me insane worse than before. I was 19 when he & married; he was 10 years older. It just didn't work. (And I'm still trying to pry out from my memories some of the things about him, that cause me to hear all the warning sirens at any suggestion of being in the same room with him.)

Twoapenny:
Well Hopsie, having read this and your post on your health thread about perhaps a quieter life being a more realistic option to pursue, I'm wondering if there's any possibility that you and M could have your own unique relationship.  Do you have to live together?  Could you be one of those couples who love each other, care for each other, enjoy one another's company - but maintain your own homes, your own lives and simply meet up (insert number here) times a week?  Does it have to be all or nothing?  Perhaps it's a completely ridiculous notion but it just got me wondering if a relationship that has all the good bits but maintains enough distance to minimise the more difficult bits might be an option for you both?

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