Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
lighter:
I think we can have second act relationships with people we've dared. I've had all kinds of relationships with men I've dated or been married to. Sadly, the old stuff popped back up when romance was involved, but friendships remain syrong. There's lifelong connection with several of these men.
As Tupp said, maybe maintaining separate households changed relationship with M into something safe.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Lighter, I'm really happy for you that you've kept strong positive connections with previous loves. That's encouraging! Do you feel open to the possibility of a new romantic relationship or marriage at some point down the line? Or does life feel better with you and Ds and not focusing there? (Please don't poke if not up to it.)
Tupp, that's really the relationship we're already in now. Exactly what it is. It's just complicated for me, because I want more. Greedy.
The problem is that what I want (which doesn't mean M has to be the solution) is not to live alone. I've been alone over 20 years and it's too long. (Decade in Nmom's house was worse than alone.) I want a love AND life companion, including daily life.
I might not find one. If M and I are now experiencing all we can manage in that arena, it probably won't happen. All the things that broke our bond before might come right back if we tested it. And there's no guarantee that it ever will even with someone new. But my dream (dare I say it feels like a need, now that my health is more fragile than I'd faced) of a shared-life companion rather than just a break-the-tedium or occasional-comfort companion ... is still what it's been since the beginning. I want someone to comment over a daily headline with. Or offer a cuppa when I'm making one, or vice versa. That's it, really. But I yearn for the comfort of that level of presence and home-building. Told M on our first date that I would like to marry again. Off the top on the table, because ... well, that's what I would like. I'm clear about it.
I think chances are pretty high that despite our present relative intimacy because of the pandemic, M might just revert to his usual remarkable self-absorption levels once times are "normal" again so my desire/goal/need for a lived commitment with a compatible partner just would go on the back burner. I'm not expecting it with him, just trying to deal with our new shape without fantasizing, which is dangerous for me. He is still who he is and has a right to be himself. I think he's torn between the emotional security I offer and his freedom, partly because of it, to feel safe and secure again so he can screen out everything but scholarship (including me). He likes seeing me but on a rigid schedule. His (dinner) schedule. That mostly works for me in the ways you and Lighter describe, but days do get lonely. I suspect his wives felt the same way. One couldn't cope; one got sacrificially involved with church and charity. I would want a middle ground, if that were possible to craft.
I have the right to be myself too. Any time I'm sick or lonely or dealing with injury or health scare and it's cold and gray and friends don't phone or email since they're all using FB or getting together isn't possible or practical....it mounts up. A person in a building with you who cares makes a difference. Old age alone in a building or apartment is not what I want for myself. It may --likely-- happen to be what I get as so many older people do, and I'll keep re-making peace with it in the present and remind myself to be grateful. But it's not what I want, which is why I'm trying to stay pretty alert about what's happening (and not happening) with M.
I would like a mate. So. Right now I have a friend I love who is not really a mate. Whom I used to dream was becoming my mate. But now isn't (despite just inviting me to go to California with him when restrictions are gone--I couldn't answer). He likes a travel companion and he likes me in that role. It's weird. Like...we're almost everything we were before but without the security of commitment or a physically shared home or plan that includes us both (house-hunting was hell until I realized he wasn't all in). And of course that's how it is. For now, it's okay. If I stay in the now, and if I'm not sick/scared/lonely, it's okay. It's just weird.
Come spring I hope I will have the confidence to continue dating. I've emailed with a couple guys from that website. But basically, I don't do online real-time chat and prefer to wait until we can meet (summer?) before correspondence. I liked Dr. Sills' advice. Don't get all woozy over anybody you haven't physically met. Don't invest much time in correspondence until you have that coffee date and check chemistry.
I think all this posting in the R-thread today is because I'm feeling wobblier than last time I was checking in about M-friendship, because of the hospital visit. I feel quite vulnerable today. I've written my cousin to ask about her father, my mother's brother, who had multiple TIAs before he died. Given mom's big stroke and his history, I think genes are at play here. They're just acting up too damn EARLY!!
I'm just kind of scared. Feeling vulnerable. Alone is harder than usual right now.
Amber, I'm really glad you protect yourself from seeing Hol's Dad, since he's clearly very triggering for you. If that eases with age then maybe. But if not, that's the beauty of boundaries.
Something I wrote a friend the other day pops into my head thinking about you and your ex and I'm not sure why. But fwiw, see if anything resonates:
I actually think that along with individual strengths,
there is a degree of fragility in me. M used to call me that and I'd become furiously defensive. But in a sense, the way I'm made IS sensitive to the point
that I may need to create for myself protections that other kinds of bears may not.
And it's nobody's job but my own, really, to speak up, set
boundaries comfortably, and just putter on being myself.
(Couldn't stand M's observation which, if I'd agreed,
would've led to even more domineering paternalism. But
there's definitely truth in it.)
I think I'm ready to tell myself that this truth (part not all of me) is okay.
Maybe we don't all have to be STRONG all the time.
hugs,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Oh good lord no - we can't always be the strong one. And when we do touch our more fragile places, it's a strong want, maybe a need of mine, that my partner be aware enough of me; that he knows me well enough... to be that strong guy without just taking over. Someone who helps me regain my equilibrium & balance - not someone who says: I'll take care of that for you.
It's such a delicate ballet; it's so easy to hurt feelings or hit one of those triggers where one temporarily reverts to old stuff instead of dealing with "what is" in the moment.
It sounds like it would be wonderful thing if there were enough older, interesting folk right in your actual neighborhood that you all could group up for mutual assistance and relaxed social connections. Sort of an "over the hill gang" of singles where you could mingle and participate in activities at your leisure and convenience. Assuming life ever resembles all the available activites that once existed again.
Twoapenny:
Oh, Hopsie, okay, I understand better now, I had got the wrong end of the stick (I must read posts after I have coffee in the morning and not before!). So M is out of the picture regardless - a relationship with him doesn't work because of various aspects of his personality that are too much and a lesser relationship with him won't work because it doesn't meet the need for close daily contact (which I can understand completely). Okay, I think I see the situation more clearly now (and yes, can completely understand how the need not to be alone intensifies when unwell or something equally difficult to deal with comes along. Makes perfect sense).
It makes sense to me not to date until you can meet in person. I tried very hard with online dating years ago and made that mistake of building a 'relationship' via email and text only to meet in person and find there was just no chemistry at all. It is very disappointing and just a real waste of everyone's time so it makes sense to hang on until meeting up in person is possible. I do hope very much that someone lovely pops up and things just get easier. It's all such hard work! I do envy people who just find 'the one' and it all happens very organically. For whatever reason some of us have to work a lot harder at it and it's very draining. I hope you're feeling a bit better today xx
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---a relationship with him doesn't work because of various aspects of his personality that are too much
--- End quote ---
It's BOTH of us. I'm so scared of being controlled and he's a big controller....and my personality is no walk in the park either.
--- Quote ---a lesser relationship with him won't work because it doesn't meet the need for close daily contact
--- End quote ---
I don't need apron strings or to be smothered in attention. I would like to share a home. I would like to marry. The kind of intimacy I yearn for is more about morning sunlight and tea and a comment on a headline, and watching good programs together in the evenings, than anything grand. He'd like to jet around the world until he drops.
You're right though, I'm mostly just scared about the brain stuff.
It was helpful to read the black-and-white way you put it: "doesn't work" and "won't work." Hmmmmm. Must ponder.
I don't know that our current relationship, because we are in one now, "doesn't work." It is what it is and is a great comfort to me, and to him too. It's just that I haven't let go of the dream. Marriage, shared home, tea and TV. Simple stuff.
The "won't work" because of personality incompatibilities (his and mine) may be the bottom line. Except: he is mellower, I am more grateful, he's trying to listen, I'm trying to be less anxious. It's hard not to feel hope since we still love. Heart spark.
Who knows? I'm working on trying to accept that everything is unknowable to some extent, get my butt back in the present, which is:
--sunlight streaming in on apricot Pooch (her golden hour): I LOVE morning
--my SAD light doing its aquarium best to tell my brain all is well today
--a specific plan for today: ONE thing, maybe two, I'd like to accomplish
Thanks, Tupp. You're very patient.
hugs
Hops
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