Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
Hopalong:
Ola,
I'm realizing that about 8 months after dropping the hammer on M (no more lifetime dream, but friendship) I'm STILL processing what I let go of. The Dream.
I'm okay, first off. But it's a bunch of layers of stuff/crap. One is, he spent a week in CA with his wonderful, welcoming, adorable, lovely and loving family including grandbabies who had treated me like the Visiting Angel. I lost them (that part of The Dream) when I said No More to him. I accept that. Price of admission.
I still know I did the right thing. Biiiig difference between the fairytale sold to the family (and to me) versus the reality of being unheard and disregarded in the various ways he'd do that, with which I could not/would not cope long term. Okay. No demonizing. But a deeeeeep disappointment. Even though I was the one to (I believe) wake up and realize he wouldn't/couldn't ACTUALLY build a shared life with me (or perhaps any non-subservient woman), versus his wooing hyperbole about it/me....it's still a loss.
Other is, he's had a cardiac thing surface and has to have a procedure for it which will work, but brings all of it into fuller awareness all of a sudden. Virtually all our conversations are about Him, and how He is doing, and what He is concerned about, and keeping Him company when he wants diversion, and being available to Him when he wants to process it aloud.
Wow. That's pretty frontal.
Anyway, my current M-goal is to TRYYYYY (and what's embarrassing is how hard it is) to think about him less.
It's ridiculously difficult. My co-D programming was so deep, more than I knew. So that's a thing I'm working on at the moment. Fortunately my sweet T is really good at cheering on my moments of clarity and standing-on-own-emotional-feet. I just wish they were more frequent.
Thassall I can articulate just now.
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
I fail to see why you have give up the dream and pursuing it with someone else. It's YOUR DREAM and not dependent on M; who is obsessed with HIS DREAM - which isn't compatible with yours and y'all didn't get to the point of OUR DREAM.
Forgive me for being blunt. There are several things I'm being completely ruthless with myself about right now. Having a long quiet check-in on some things with me. (Not that's it's peaceful.)
Hopalong:
Nothing to forgive, Amber!
I haven't given up on my dream, am just discouraged (not tragically but truthfully) at the present moment. It may be a post-quarantine phenom, but I'm getting nearly zero messages on the same site I met M on. Yet, I'm not going to spend hours and hours looking online, either.
I've decided for now I'm going to relax, wait until some medical stuff (appts) is all behind me, and then maybe take up the crusade again in late summer or fall. Right now I don't have the energy or focus for it.
And you were exactly right. We never got to OUR dream. My fatal error (which I've done before) was believing that because somebody says something (or a lot of things) they actually mean it and will follow through ... AND ... believing that just because I can imagine it, that means it's doable.
Not everything is. And that's not all M's fault. I got very invested and was willing to even give up my beloved house since he didn't want to, but his attitude toward finding a new home for us both OR making real space in his for me...showed me it's not doable with him, really. I just wish it hadn't taken nearly 2 years to sink into my thick skull.
I have plenty that's positive to focus on right now. Just want to think about him less. Writing so often about M here probably makes it look as though I've made no progress at all in processing/releasing the whole thing, but I have.
Thanks for all the patient listening. (My garden helper was trying to explain something to me and I made her repeat it three times...) it might just be how I think. Aloud, repetitively and for an inordinate amount of time.
But I'm still trainable!
I'm sorry to hear you're under the (your own) microscope for something hard right now. Hope it's not bad news or a hard wakeup.
Hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
For whatever reason, I think I just woke up this morning - very GRUMPY.
LOLOL. I'm better now.
lighter:
Hops:
You aren't jus trainable.
You know more about yourself, what you want and what you don't want.
I'm sorry M wasn't what you needed him to be. You'll see the red flags earlier next time. You'll know them when you see them.
Lighter
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